So...
Every now and then, there comes a point where you really sit down and think about where you're going and what you want. You evaluate the hobbies, practices and people present within your macro world. You consider whether what you're doing and whether or not your goals are healthy, practical and acheivable.
It goes without saying that tonight is one of those nights for me personally. I'm sitting here, tuning out my music to a dull roar, allowing the peppermint oil to sharpen my thinking and really just... mulling over things. Am I doing the right thing? Am I going to be able to continue on the path I'm on now? Is this really sensible? I'm not sure of the answer. I do know, however, that I need to work on things.
I need to stop letting other people make me feel guilty when I've done nothing wrong. Just for your information: You started ignoring me first. You got pissy with me not being around when you wanted me to be, trying to get out and experience things and cut me out of your life. I admit that you continue to hold a power over me, that I think of you and that I appreciate what you have done for me. But until you can admit that maybe you were wrong too, I don't know what I even have to say to you. I apologise for being less than attentive, but I in no way absolve you of your own hand in this situation.
Secondly: I cannot live for someone else. I cannot let my mother's fears, my father's neglect or my friend's wants and needs influence the decisions I make for me. I refuse to let what is 'normal' dictate the way I act and behave. I am worthy of people's love, respect and admiration for what I have come through, what I have done, and what I plan to acheieve, not for how I dress, whether or not I like the same things, or if my sense of humour is the same.
I know that I am less than motivated. I'm lazy. Part of that is depression, and part being uncomfortable with society and what's expected of me. I think that sounds somewhat contradictory to the previous statement of mine, but it's not, really. It's just that I find it hard to apply myself unless I have something or someone else giving me structure. I know that that is, in a large way, influenced by my submissive personality. I turn to other people to be strict with me, to keep me on the path I need to be on. I falter when left on my own, but I'm trying. I'm doing something new and asking friends and loved ones to just motivate me by holding similar goals, rather than dictating a chore list to me.
I need to work hard this year. I need to study, to my homework, tighten my finances and expand my horizons. I can't keep being afraid, or lazy. Apathy has no place in my life, it leads only to complacence and failure. (Heh, I knocked someone before for being too much like a motivational speaker, and now I sound like one.)
I want to deepen my friendships with Lauren and Emma, and stop letting that niggling fear that they don't really like me keep me from doing more things with them.
I want to put effort into my current relationships with people. The two mentioned above, my sister, my mother. I've also come to realise that I'm not a huge fan of romance. I don't do it, and I see it as impractical. I do wish that there was someone here to be with me for who I am, not what I could become, but I also understand that that is made impossible partially because of my own nature, and partially because of what I'm looking for. I confess that I am difficult to be with, I demand a lot, but I also try to return what I ask. I may not always succeed, but we are none of us perfect. Perhaps the current, tentative relationship I'm exploring now will work out, despite distance and other small issues. One may always remain hopeful yet realistic, and work at these things, no? And I fully accept that anything I involve myself in from here on out will require work.
Anyway, I believe that is my random spurt of thought. Perhaps I cn go back to being fluffy for another few months.
It goes without saying that tonight is one of those nights for me personally. I'm sitting here, tuning out my music to a dull roar, allowing the peppermint oil to sharpen my thinking and really just... mulling over things. Am I doing the right thing? Am I going to be able to continue on the path I'm on now? Is this really sensible? I'm not sure of the answer. I do know, however, that I need to work on things.
I need to stop letting other people make me feel guilty when I've done nothing wrong. Just for your information: You started ignoring me first. You got pissy with me not being around when you wanted me to be, trying to get out and experience things and cut me out of your life. I admit that you continue to hold a power over me, that I think of you and that I appreciate what you have done for me. But until you can admit that maybe you were wrong too, I don't know what I even have to say to you. I apologise for being less than attentive, but I in no way absolve you of your own hand in this situation.
Secondly: I cannot live for someone else. I cannot let my mother's fears, my father's neglect or my friend's wants and needs influence the decisions I make for me. I refuse to let what is 'normal' dictate the way I act and behave. I am worthy of people's love, respect and admiration for what I have come through, what I have done, and what I plan to acheieve, not for how I dress, whether or not I like the same things, or if my sense of humour is the same.
I know that I am less than motivated. I'm lazy. Part of that is depression, and part being uncomfortable with society and what's expected of me. I think that sounds somewhat contradictory to the previous statement of mine, but it's not, really. It's just that I find it hard to apply myself unless I have something or someone else giving me structure. I know that that is, in a large way, influenced by my submissive personality. I turn to other people to be strict with me, to keep me on the path I need to be on. I falter when left on my own, but I'm trying. I'm doing something new and asking friends and loved ones to just motivate me by holding similar goals, rather than dictating a chore list to me.
I need to work hard this year. I need to study, to my homework, tighten my finances and expand my horizons. I can't keep being afraid, or lazy. Apathy has no place in my life, it leads only to complacence and failure. (Heh, I knocked someone before for being too much like a motivational speaker, and now I sound like one.)
I want to deepen my friendships with Lauren and Emma, and stop letting that niggling fear that they don't really like me keep me from doing more things with them.
I want to put effort into my current relationships with people. The two mentioned above, my sister, my mother. I've also come to realise that I'm not a huge fan of romance. I don't do it, and I see it as impractical. I do wish that there was someone here to be with me for who I am, not what I could become, but I also understand that that is made impossible partially because of my own nature, and partially because of what I'm looking for. I confess that I am difficult to be with, I demand a lot, but I also try to return what I ask. I may not always succeed, but we are none of us perfect. Perhaps the current, tentative relationship I'm exploring now will work out, despite distance and other small issues. One may always remain hopeful yet realistic, and work at these things, no? And I fully accept that anything I involve myself in from here on out will require work.
Anyway, I believe that is my random spurt of thought. Perhaps I cn go back to being fluffy for another few months.