Satirical on 34th Street
Isn't this how it goes? If you like it, pass it on.
A long time ago, in a Palestine far, far away, Mary and her co-signer Joseph were preparing for summer. Or, nay, winter, winter. Joseph was at his Job when lo, did the angel Gabriel appear unto Mary, bringing most bountiful news.
"Mary," the angel Gabriel said, "thou has been chosen to be the mother of my father's son, if thou canst understand that." Mary was amazed; she was to give birth to the Messiah? "But Gabriel," Mary mumbled, "Joseph and I have not yet-"knocked sandals," if you get me." And Gabriel said this would not matter; our Lord works in mysterious ways. And this was a cop-out.
"The child will be born soon, and thy morning sickness will be most treacherous: lakes will boil, and locusts will bring famine to Nazareth, and thou shalt have the runs." Mary accepted such terms, for it would bring peace to earth. Finally, Gabriel said unto Mary that the child would be named Jesus, and if it were accidentally a girl, not to let it become a priest, whatever should happen. And it was good.
And lo, Gabriel ascended into the heavens, when Joseph returned home to his faithful wife. Mary told him the wonderful news, that they were to raise the son of God, the king of the Jews. But Joseph did not believe, and had commitment issues. He claimed that Gabriel was the name of a sugar daddy, and there was much arguing in Nazareth that night.
Time did pass, and all the citizens were called to Bethlehem, whereby they would do their taxes. It had come to pass that Palestine had fallen into great debt, and taxes had been raised by King Herod to bail out the banks. Mary and Joseph were amongst these tax-payers, and taking their donkey, left for Bethlehem.
And thus spake Joseph unto the donkey: "I know this to not be my child. If thou knowest who this Gabriel fellow be, speak now." And the donkey did not speak, for it was a donkey, and Joseph was a schmuck. And lo, they travelled across the desert, traversing a most arduous path, where grit and salt had been much rationed. Finally, they arrived unto Bethlehem, and looked to the inns, in that they might find a place to rest. The first innkeeper thought them wrong for not booking early, and the second this too; however, the third innkeeper did possessth a kind of sadistic streak, and took them to the stable. In the comfort of that manger, after much pushing (where the name of the Lord was taken very much in vain), the baby Jesus was born. And it was good.
And there did in the same country be three shepherds, watching their flock by night. And the angel Gabriel did come unto them with this message of yore: "Our Saviour has been born in Bethlehem this night. Go to him, or I shalt bring judgment on thy baaaad sheep." And there was much cursing and gnashing of teeth at this pun. Yet the shepherds did go to Bethlehem, to see the new-born king. They thought him much smaller than expected though celebrated this joyful occasion. It had come to pass that little time had been had to buy gifts, and so they gave unto Mary scented candles and bath lotions. And it was disappointing.
Suddenly a call came to them, and thus spake the receiver: "Wilt not be able to make it to Bethlehem until 6th of January. Or, non-Gregorian calendar equivalent." The three wise kings had been stuck in traffic, and their horses were tired. Yet Mary and Joseph took comfort in knowing that people were coming to celebrate the birth of Jesus, and waited in the same positions for two weeks.
And lo, the kings looked unto the sky, whereby there was a star (Were thou expecting another angel? Ho, I got thee good) Said the first of the kings: "Shalt we follow this star which shines over Bethlehem? It will light our way, though it will be much of a detour." And said the second of the kings: "Aye, bless thy good head-as with thy mother!" Whereupon much fury took place in the desert.
And so the three wise men arrived unto Bethlehem, and fell to their knees. Indeed, they fell to pick up the baby Jesus, for like a lamb was he, small and fragile. The kings gave gifts of gold, myrrh and Frankenstein, who did run off at first given opportunity. And pulled out Joseph a camera and told everyone in the manger to gather around for a picture. The shepherds stood to the right, and the wise kings to the left, and Mary did complain that she looked a state, and had no time to put on make-up, and was officially morto. Yet it came to pass that a picture was taken, and it was used for many a Christmas card thereafter.
And so ends the tale of the birth of Jesus Christ, our new-born king. The wise kings did return home, as did the shepherds, who were hence laid off, for having left their post. And they beheld the public sector and knew it to be safe. Mary and Joseph returned to Nazareth, where they raised Jesus as a boy and young man.
And thus spoke the angel Gabriel unto his friends on LiveJournal, have a wonderful day, and much love was delivered. And it was festive.
Note: I imagine people from Ireland will get more out of this, specifically Cork, perhaps. The "morto" word refers to common Irish slang; moritifed, or its shortened form, "morto" is rolled out everytime someone is embarrassed.