Nov 11, 2006 02:54
New Iraqi President Iron Sheik to put Camel Clutch on civil war
"Iraq, number one! Foreign insurgents, hack ptooey!"
With those words, spoken at a joint press conference with President Bush, new Iraqi president Iron Sheik announced to the press corps and the world at large that everything they knew about Iraqi politics was about to change.
With public approval of America's handling of the Iraqi war dwindling and the threat of a civil war in the country looming, Bush this week asked democratically elected Iraqi president Jalal Talabani to step down.
"President Talabani was a great man and a great leader," Bush said at the press conference, "but he didn't posess the character to face down Sgt. Slaughter in the squared circle, much less Hulk Hogan."
The Sheik, wearing his trademark curly-toed boots, appeared to embrace his new role in geopolitical affairs.
"I become President is pleasure for me," President Sheik said.
Bush highlighted the Sheik's history of international diplomacy. "Russia is a very important member of our coalition, and Iron Sheik's long history with Russian Premier Nikolai Volkoff makes him uniquely positioned to strengthen that bond."
President Sheik assured the assembled crowd that, despite his past as one of the most duplicitous and evil heels the WWF has ever seen, he'll be tougher on terrorists than any previous Iraqi leader. "Believe me, Bush President, if I see terrorist, I suplex him, put him in camel clutch," Iron Sheik said. "Do it to him old country way. Break his back, make him humble."
The decision has been met with criticism from both sides of the political spectrum. Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) said, "The Bush White House cannot simply remove a democratically elected leader from office, even if President Talabani was having difficulty curbing the Iraqi insurgency. I would urge President Bush to consider that winning the WWE World Heavyweight Championship Belt from Bob Backlund doesn't necessarily qualify one to run a war-torn country. Besides...isn't the Iron Sheik from Iran?"
According to sources within the White House, even President Bush's closest advisors are doubtful about the new choice. "Once the President gets an idea in his head, it's very hard to get him to listen to anyone else's opinion," one closely placed source told us. "What Iraq needs right now is a true diplomat who can show subtlety in dealing with a conflict. The Iron Sheik threatened to sodomize Brian Blair in a televised interview. Do you see what I'm getting at here?" Our source added that he suspected Karl Rove had a hand in the decision, as Rove owns an autographed copy of 1985's "The Wrestling Album."
Despite all the negative attention the appointment has drawn, President Bush exuded his trademark confidence at the press conference. "This is a new era for international politics," Bush said. "I've got big ideas for the future. I'm already in talks with the Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase to take over as Chairman of the World Bank. He's holding out for more money, but everybody has a price."
*Credit: ToyFare Magazine