(no subject)

[darksidegirl]

so, once again, I have picked a great time in my life to shake everything up for no other reason except that I just do... so here's the deal, I made a series of mistakes, and now I have to live with them. I said things that can't be unsaid, and after saying them I understand...so now I feel lost, alone, isolated, stupid, and in pain. I was fine until I realized I cared a lot more than I thought I did, I'd taken for granted too much, and that needed to change...granted I learned all these things after the fact, then in a futile attempt to make things right I actually made then a great deal worse, and now I am looking like the crazy person. I have a routine that's for sure... now all I want back is the way things were, but it's too late for all that. Things are way different, I know it sounds foolish, but there is just this huge amount of pain that I wasn't expecting. It hurts, it hurts a lot. And there is nothing I can say to make it right, and I know I need to give time and space, and stop acting like a crazy person, but it's a lot easier to tell other people that when it is not you with this weird gaping whole...I know I need to give it up, I know I need to focus on moving on, but I don't want to lose it, even though I know it's already lost. I never meant to screw things up. I really wanted to do what was best for everyone involved, but now all I feel is mass, dense, dark pain. I feel alone, I feel like crying, and I feel like I turned into a typical woe is me stereotypical crazy bitch female... I never wanted to hurt anything, but now I've managed to construct this thick wall. It's cold and lonely here. I want him back. I know it's not going to happen, and I know I have to keep going, and I will...but does there have to be this dense void of anything except cold and pain? Why do I always ultimately push people away? Why do I always make things worse and not better, and why can't I just feel numb as opposed to this pain?

I know I am being melodramatic, and I know life will go on, but in one stroke I cut out someone I cared about a great deal, along with a majority of my friends from back home, because lets face it - when you share friends and then you are no more...well good bye friends... I sure know how to fuck things up. The upside to this being, I suppose, that now that I'm not sleeping I can read more, and if I retain what I read I can get more research done sooner...well, thank goodness for small blessings...

Good bye Adrian. I miss the way things used to be, I really do. But, good thing life will go on.