thoughts
So,
life is kinda crazy right now. I am stuck in super struggle mode. I am trying to survive and it, going moderately alright. I think overall that I am super ready for school to be done. I have roughly 6 weeks left. I am tired, I am struggling to keep things together, and I am...surviving. I am incredibly homesick. I really want to just travel back home and not think about anything for a bit. I've got a pile of books on my desk that make me want to give up before I start. I have a roughly 30 page paper that I need to reformat, which really pisses me off. Why does it matter whether you wrote it in MLA or Chicago? I really really just want to go home. Thats all I want. I want to sit on my ass and not feel guilty because I should be doing something. Yes, I realize that most people feel like that...It just gets really tedious. You can only spend so much time in an old practice room with no natural light before you get a little wacky. As of now I know I don't know enough french to make me successful in France. I spent a lot of money to study abroad, and I am afraid I'm gonna fuck it up. It's snowing outside again, which is getting a little old. If this process has taught me anything, after my MA, I am done for a while. I need a chance to go out and just have to worry about work and bills. I don't really want to have to worry about tests, papers, and never possibly being good enough. At the same time though I also know I don't want to stop at an MA, I want the MFA, I want to teach at a liberal arts school, which requires the MFA or the PhD. Either way, I need to keep going. I want so many things out of life, and I realize that I'm only 22 years old. I keep having to remind myself that I have time, it's so funny, I know I have plenty of it, I'm not planning on dying anytime soon, so why am I constantly so worried about running out of time? It's silly really, but there is just so much out there, and yes, I want it all. I want to travel around the world, I want a good job, I want the experience of acting outside of an educational system, I want a house, I want a kid, I'd like a spouse, and I want a cat and dog as well. I want to be a scholar, I want to be that woman...at the same time, I want to be able to breath. I want to not feel guilty, I want to not feel powerless, and I want not to feel meek. I don't think all of these things are possible, and honestly, a lot of things on this list are not even things that I can control. I would like to get to a point where I am comfortable in my own body, maybe that's a good starting place. Funny thing, is that might be the one thing that I truly don't even know how to start. Well, I am off to attempt to finish my paper so I can start reading about Roman women.
life is kinda crazy right now. I am stuck in super struggle mode. I am trying to survive and it, going moderately alright. I think overall that I am super ready for school to be done. I have roughly 6 weeks left. I am tired, I am struggling to keep things together, and I am...surviving. I am incredibly homesick. I really want to just travel back home and not think about anything for a bit. I've got a pile of books on my desk that make me want to give up before I start. I have a roughly 30 page paper that I need to reformat, which really pisses me off. Why does it matter whether you wrote it in MLA or Chicago? I really really just want to go home. Thats all I want. I want to sit on my ass and not feel guilty because I should be doing something. Yes, I realize that most people feel like that...It just gets really tedious. You can only spend so much time in an old practice room with no natural light before you get a little wacky. As of now I know I don't know enough french to make me successful in France. I spent a lot of money to study abroad, and I am afraid I'm gonna fuck it up. It's snowing outside again, which is getting a little old. If this process has taught me anything, after my MA, I am done for a while. I need a chance to go out and just have to worry about work and bills. I don't really want to have to worry about tests, papers, and never possibly being good enough. At the same time though I also know I don't want to stop at an MA, I want the MFA, I want to teach at a liberal arts school, which requires the MFA or the PhD. Either way, I need to keep going. I want so many things out of life, and I realize that I'm only 22 years old. I keep having to remind myself that I have time, it's so funny, I know I have plenty of it, I'm not planning on dying anytime soon, so why am I constantly so worried about running out of time? It's silly really, but there is just so much out there, and yes, I want it all. I want to travel around the world, I want a good job, I want the experience of acting outside of an educational system, I want a house, I want a kid, I'd like a spouse, and I want a cat and dog as well. I want to be a scholar, I want to be that woman...at the same time, I want to be able to breath. I want to not feel guilty, I want to not feel powerless, and I want not to feel meek. I don't think all of these things are possible, and honestly, a lot of things on this list are not even things that I can control. I would like to get to a point where I am comfortable in my own body, maybe that's a good starting place. Funny thing, is that might be the one thing that I truly don't even know how to start. Well, I am off to attempt to finish my paper so I can start reading about Roman women.