i want to wear my glasses but i cant wear my glasses....
im sick of living....i need to make an update for myself and if you dont want to read about my bullshit just stop...but here it goes for the sake that my head is driving me loco....
i close my eyes and can only picture the front end of mcdonalds...im standing in my usual spot staring at nothing..thinking..like i usually do...all the fry baskets are lined up and start to blur as i unfocus my vision and sink deeper into thoughts...i think about dad, more than people would think, when he was free of my dirty thoughts, when he was dad and not some fucker strangling me of the life i have wanted for as long as i can think. before he became my shakles and chains, before he could keep me from a dream and slowly desinigrates as i dwindle away....the fryer beeps and startles me for a moment for me to only realize that i need to press a botton for it all to be ok. i mindlessly wander around lost within thought, many times people ask me. what possesses you? is there something wrong? i wish they wouldnt ,i wish i could just have the chance to forget, i know they are just blank questions anyway, as if they really gave a shit....so back to my head, after feeling that i have to relive dad in my thoughts i move on to people i give a shit about, what are lauren and t doing, whats mal doing, where is travis right now?andy? are they ok...im sure they are, but then i always get that what if in my head and start to feel that awful feeling in my stomach like im going to die, but then i just think about how great they are and the laughs we have together and i feel ok..if nothing more than that, the people i am close to make me feel safe, like im home...i used to feel like i had no home to go back to after work but...ive learned to realize its not your bed or your stuff its the people you really just blindly care about no matter what....even if they dont really care about you....i feel like i dont have any friends besides really travis. i feel abused and hurt like some kinda of animal that no one gave a shit about and left to die...i feel that way alot especially at work bc i work so hard for nothing...i get one day off a week and no one even cares to see my face....i guess i dont care anymore. i wish i could be alone somewhere to die....so i work my ass off at mcdonalds until i can barely breathe and they push me to do more, could you just, maybe...and i always say yes even if its 2 in the morning...i dont know how many times i day i feel like a miserable tired old shit, one night i came home and i was so exhausted i couldnt even lay down to sleep i was in such pain, i feel like my job is my way of punishing myself, for no reason at all i have this thought in my head that i am the scum of the earth and deserve it i wish i could explain it....sometimes i just get so stressed out that i cry forever...its like im scared for no reason and unless im with other people i cry myself to sleep almost every night, maybe i will always be insecure but ill never have anyone to hold me and say its ok , because ill never admit it...ive been scared my whole life and have never been confortable with who i am and i could never tell anyone, because they wouldnt give a shit, and i cant expect them to....i used to find safety with ellen, i always felt like she was my best friend no matter what even if she does critisize me i used to feel kinda like she was a peice of me...but i think we both changed and i just dont know what to tell her, she just always seemed to know and just manage to ignore it and show me a fun time....but we dont talk so much anymore...and i dont blame her we have both been a little pre occupied, then i turned to andy, which was ok until i realized he just doesnt give a shit about me and probably never will...and that hurt, i guess you cant depend on other people for sanity, i cant just hide behind other people to make myself feel stronger...but i dont know what to do because i feel more alone now more than ever and im just scared...i go to talk to an attorney tommorrow about emancipation. i dont know how to feel about it but i guess its my last chance to go to boston so i better grind my teeth and fight for it as hard as i can until i implode from all the stress i store up, i really just need weed, or some drug people try to say it doesnt solve anything, but alchohol managed to make my dad forget his whole life and family so i guess it must work for some...the weak but i guess thats who i am now....i was in the shower and i cut myself with my razor, accidentaly, but it felt kinda good, like i was letting the blood run out of me until it went cold, like letting some of him out of me, because thats all that i am, my parents....and i hate it..
sometimes when i think i think about grandma...she lives alone and is ok, but i feel so bad for her, she seems not right anymore like her life is over and she is only living to die sometimes, i guess i dont get this vibe unless im with her alone and she really gets talking to me about the days" i wish i had stories like that to tell but my young adulthood has sucked and i think ill always remember it in black and white...i dont know what i wish for people anymore, i used to have such high hopes but i feel like shit again....i hope i dont go back to where i was, or worse, because somedays i just feel myself slipping down with no one to catch me...i never feel like i have closure and i guess im j ust always going to have to bite my lip until i bleed myself dry.....
i close my eyes and can only picture the front end of mcdonalds...im standing in my usual spot staring at nothing..thinking..like i usually do...all the fry baskets are lined up and start to blur as i unfocus my vision and sink deeper into thoughts...i think about dad, more than people would think, when he was free of my dirty thoughts, when he was dad and not some fucker strangling me of the life i have wanted for as long as i can think. before he became my shakles and chains, before he could keep me from a dream and slowly desinigrates as i dwindle away....the fryer beeps and startles me for a moment for me to only realize that i need to press a botton for it all to be ok. i mindlessly wander around lost within thought, many times people ask me. what possesses you? is there something wrong? i wish they wouldnt ,i wish i could just have the chance to forget, i know they are just blank questions anyway, as if they really gave a shit....so back to my head, after feeling that i have to relive dad in my thoughts i move on to people i give a shit about, what are lauren and t doing, whats mal doing, where is travis right now?andy? are they ok...im sure they are, but then i always get that what if in my head and start to feel that awful feeling in my stomach like im going to die, but then i just think about how great they are and the laughs we have together and i feel ok..if nothing more than that, the people i am close to make me feel safe, like im home...i used to feel like i had no home to go back to after work but...ive learned to realize its not your bed or your stuff its the people you really just blindly care about no matter what....even if they dont really care about you....i feel like i dont have any friends besides really travis. i feel abused and hurt like some kinda of animal that no one gave a shit about and left to die...i feel that way alot especially at work bc i work so hard for nothing...i get one day off a week and no one even cares to see my face....i guess i dont care anymore. i wish i could be alone somewhere to die....so i work my ass off at mcdonalds until i can barely breathe and they push me to do more, could you just, maybe...and i always say yes even if its 2 in the morning...i dont know how many times i day i feel like a miserable tired old shit, one night i came home and i was so exhausted i couldnt even lay down to sleep i was in such pain, i feel like my job is my way of punishing myself, for no reason at all i have this thought in my head that i am the scum of the earth and deserve it i wish i could explain it....sometimes i just get so stressed out that i cry forever...its like im scared for no reason and unless im with other people i cry myself to sleep almost every night, maybe i will always be insecure but ill never have anyone to hold me and say its ok , because ill never admit it...ive been scared my whole life and have never been confortable with who i am and i could never tell anyone, because they wouldnt give a shit, and i cant expect them to....i used to find safety with ellen, i always felt like she was my best friend no matter what even if she does critisize me i used to feel kinda like she was a peice of me...but i think we both changed and i just dont know what to tell her, she just always seemed to know and just manage to ignore it and show me a fun time....but we dont talk so much anymore...and i dont blame her we have both been a little pre occupied, then i turned to andy, which was ok until i realized he just doesnt give a shit about me and probably never will...and that hurt, i guess you cant depend on other people for sanity, i cant just hide behind other people to make myself feel stronger...but i dont know what to do because i feel more alone now more than ever and im just scared...i go to talk to an attorney tommorrow about emancipation. i dont know how to feel about it but i guess its my last chance to go to boston so i better grind my teeth and fight for it as hard as i can until i implode from all the stress i store up, i really just need weed, or some drug people try to say it doesnt solve anything, but alchohol managed to make my dad forget his whole life and family so i guess it must work for some...the weak but i guess thats who i am now....i was in the shower and i cut myself with my razor, accidentaly, but it felt kinda good, like i was letting the blood run out of me until it went cold, like letting some of him out of me, because thats all that i am, my parents....and i hate it..
sometimes when i think i think about grandma...she lives alone and is ok, but i feel so bad for her, she seems not right anymore like her life is over and she is only living to die sometimes, i guess i dont get this vibe unless im with her alone and she really gets talking to me about the days" i wish i had stories like that to tell but my young adulthood has sucked and i think ill always remember it in black and white...i dont know what i wish for people anymore, i used to have such high hopes but i feel like shit again....i hope i dont go back to where i was, or worse, because somedays i just feel myself slipping down with no one to catch me...i never feel like i have closure and i guess im j ust always going to have to bite my lip until i bleed myself dry.....