Britain to become 51st State
REUTERS- The United Kingdom is set to become the 51st State of the United States of America, it was revealed yesterday in a gruelling 17-hour press conference.
"We have to be realistic about the challenges that this Coalition government were facing," said outgoing Prime Minister David Cameron, who is set to take on a secretarial role, "namely, that we were doing a bloody useless job and nobody liked us.
"President Obama is a recognisable and popular figure who will streamline our Government from the unnecessarily vague and meaningless parliamentary monarchy system to one identifiable leader to blame if everything goes wrong."
"I've always been a Euro-sceptic," Cameron admitted, raising his voice above loud jeering, "and the idea of assimilation with Europe was something that the Conservative Party were strongly opposed to. Assimilating with America makes much more sense: we speak the same language, and we do everything they tell us to anyway."
Obama himself, meanwhile, was asked to identify the USA's reasons for absorbing the United Kingdom into its jurisdiction.
"Well, I was getting a lot of pressure from history teachers who kept saying 'Hey, Barack, where's all this history you said you'd be making?'", he joked. "Seriously though, it gives us a solid European base just in case that pesky Putin or Sarkozy try anything we don't like. Plus, I knew I'd never get my healthcare reforms through Congress. Now I can just take the notion of free healthcare offered in our newest state, and expand that to the rest of our country!"
"Naturally there'll be some changes for everyone to adjust to," said Cameron, "although happily our acquisition by the USA means that the content of television channels such as Channel 5 and MTV and the content of the UK Top 40 will be exactly the same. Britain will be acquiring the dollar, although we've ensured that the ten-dollar note will now feature King Henry VIII, and the five-dollar note will feature the likeness of William the Conqueror. 'Hey bro, can you lend us a Conqueror?' will be the word from the hoodies in the street."
"Sports fans on both sides ought to be pleased," said Obama. "I mean, let's face it, London 2012 was going to be a bust before we came over here and added some American-style razzmatazz to proceedings. And in terms of soccer- sorry, football, we'll have an improved USA football team, with Gareth Bale, Wayne Rooney and, er, some American guys in the same team. Hey, did I say football? That's right. We're gonna call football 'American rugby'. I mean, you hardly use your feet, so what's that all about?"
The move is hardly likely to appease everyone. The merger is set to outrage nationalists on both sides of the Atlantic, such as the British National Party (who immediately rebranded as the British Nationalisation Party with the slogan 'send us back where we came from') and the Tea Party (who collapsed in infighting yesterday over how to retitled themselves, given their name is a reference to the War of Independence).
Nick Clegg, the deputy prime minster, said "Look, I'm as opposed to these moves as everybody else, but you know, when you're in a Coalition certain sacrifices- like the sovereignity of the United Kingdom- have to be made. You have to pick your battles. Right now the Liberal Democrats in this coalition are involved in an exciting challenge to paint all our park benches white, so we can't be expected to oppose this move."
The Royal Family, who will remain in a ceremonial role, are yet to comment on the decision to take one of Europe's oldest countries and turn it into another state. However, the Republicans have been quicker to move. Having been shown where the United Kingdom was on a map, Republican firebrand Sarah Palin said "This sort of move is typical of the Democrats. If Inglesland really wanted a new government, the Republicans would back our regular foreign policy: invading the country under some pretext, installing a puppet government, then escaping as soon as it backfired."
Like it or not, though, the plans seem to be here to stay. Just don't expect America to be the land of opportunity for you; there's no jobs or money over there, either.
"We have to be realistic about the challenges that this Coalition government were facing," said outgoing Prime Minister David Cameron, who is set to take on a secretarial role, "namely, that we were doing a bloody useless job and nobody liked us.
"President Obama is a recognisable and popular figure who will streamline our Government from the unnecessarily vague and meaningless parliamentary monarchy system to one identifiable leader to blame if everything goes wrong."
"I've always been a Euro-sceptic," Cameron admitted, raising his voice above loud jeering, "and the idea of assimilation with Europe was something that the Conservative Party were strongly opposed to. Assimilating with America makes much more sense: we speak the same language, and we do everything they tell us to anyway."
Obama himself, meanwhile, was asked to identify the USA's reasons for absorbing the United Kingdom into its jurisdiction.
"Well, I was getting a lot of pressure from history teachers who kept saying 'Hey, Barack, where's all this history you said you'd be making?'", he joked. "Seriously though, it gives us a solid European base just in case that pesky Putin or Sarkozy try anything we don't like. Plus, I knew I'd never get my healthcare reforms through Congress. Now I can just take the notion of free healthcare offered in our newest state, and expand that to the rest of our country!"
"Naturally there'll be some changes for everyone to adjust to," said Cameron, "although happily our acquisition by the USA means that the content of television channels such as Channel 5 and MTV and the content of the UK Top 40 will be exactly the same. Britain will be acquiring the dollar, although we've ensured that the ten-dollar note will now feature King Henry VIII, and the five-dollar note will feature the likeness of William the Conqueror. 'Hey bro, can you lend us a Conqueror?' will be the word from the hoodies in the street."
"Sports fans on both sides ought to be pleased," said Obama. "I mean, let's face it, London 2012 was going to be a bust before we came over here and added some American-style razzmatazz to proceedings. And in terms of soccer- sorry, football, we'll have an improved USA football team, with Gareth Bale, Wayne Rooney and, er, some American guys in the same team. Hey, did I say football? That's right. We're gonna call football 'American rugby'. I mean, you hardly use your feet, so what's that all about?"
The move is hardly likely to appease everyone. The merger is set to outrage nationalists on both sides of the Atlantic, such as the British National Party (who immediately rebranded as the British Nationalisation Party with the slogan 'send us back where we came from') and the Tea Party (who collapsed in infighting yesterday over how to retitled themselves, given their name is a reference to the War of Independence).
Nick Clegg, the deputy prime minster, said "Look, I'm as opposed to these moves as everybody else, but you know, when you're in a Coalition certain sacrifices- like the sovereignity of the United Kingdom- have to be made. You have to pick your battles. Right now the Liberal Democrats in this coalition are involved in an exciting challenge to paint all our park benches white, so we can't be expected to oppose this move."
The Royal Family, who will remain in a ceremonial role, are yet to comment on the decision to take one of Europe's oldest countries and turn it into another state. However, the Republicans have been quicker to move. Having been shown where the United Kingdom was on a map, Republican firebrand Sarah Palin said "This sort of move is typical of the Democrats. If Inglesland really wanted a new government, the Republicans would back our regular foreign policy: invading the country under some pretext, installing a puppet government, then escaping as soon as it backfired."
Like it or not, though, the plans seem to be here to stay. Just don't expect America to be the land of opportunity for you; there's no jobs or money over there, either.