The Company of Myself. (abridged)
If you have a minute, I'd like to tell you a bit about myself.
The first thing you need to understand is that I'm alone.
I've been alone for a pretty long time now. I'm used to it. I'm content.
Before i became more or less a hermit i found that i had two passions in life.
One was performing, even today when i find that i can't relate to others I can still stand in front of them and make them laugh or surprise them. The irony is strong enough to taste. It doesn't taste good. In case you're wondering my second passion was a girl named Kathryn.
But ill get to that later. I generally face the same day to day problems as every other person except that when other people get stuck, they have their friends and associates to back them up. I don't. I know that you don't want to hear me describe my admittedly less than interesting lifestyle, so instead ill describe my day with a much more interesting allegory.
I used to find joy in the company of others. Now I only have the company of myself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My attention is stolen by a green square on the other end of the room. I want to be its friend more than anything that I've ever wanted.
The square does not react to my approach. Does it not notice me? Or is it only pretending not to notice?
Which would be worse?
Up close, I can see that the green square is actually a door I think that we can be friends anyways. I decide to move to the next room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spotting a couple of platforms up ahead I decide to jump over them.
Take that, platforms!
I decide that Mr.Door is a better friend than the platforms.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now that risk is involved jumping on platforms doesn't seem as easy to me.
I start thinking about how awful it would be to fall.
I find myself proud (and possibly surprised) by my ability to leap over harrowing gaps.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Even from back here i can tell that the ledge ahead is too high for me to jump.
I begin to wonder what would happen....
I feel confused. And a bit tingly. But mostly just confused.
I briefly attempt to think of something to think. Nothing worthwhile emerges.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I haven't talked to anyone lately, but at least I can solve my own problems.
Geronimo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I see a wall blocking the path to the exit. I am dissatisfied.
The area down here is irritatingly spacious.
I think to myself the best course of action is to pull this lever.
I am grateful of my above-average ability to work alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I notice a strange forcefield in this room, i become gradually more and more curious.
I find myself unable to comprehend the purpose of this forcefield. It doesn't seem to block me at all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Understanding the forcefield i notice that this room's field is greenish instead of pinkish.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Staring at this worthlessly large staircase I begin to reflect on my past struggles.
Luckily for me no one was watching as I hopped around like a crazy person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I search for reasons why I don't desire companionship.
I settle on avoidance of the issue, I can clearly get by without others anyways.
I find myself unable to leave the question alone. Why can I not be with people?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I instantly notice how similar this room is to the previous one, and almost feel cheated until i realize that my previous tactic will not work again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It doesn't take long for me to understand that I'm going to need timing to get through here.
Almost there...
I've gotten used to the idea of solving mental problems, but I still enjoy a test of my physical ability here and there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think back to that first day that Kathryn and I met. Our paths converged, and suddenly we were a team.
That was before I was as reclusive as I have become today so I hadn't truly learned to multi-task yet. That talent grew out of simple necessity.
Her approach was quite, as was my response. The connection was instant and unmistakable. A team.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mutual.
Perfect.
I wasn't ready to let it go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we faced a problem we would solve it together. Today I find myself solving the same problems alone.
I was under appreciative, plain and simple. I didn't understand how much I needed her. How much she needed me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was perfect. Everything. It was all perfect.
I helped her, and she helped me. Mutual.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I never suspected the end to come so quickly.
I found myself crushed by guilt. I didn't leave the house for days.
But she was gone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now I find myself alone, I can't handle talking to people anymore.
I grudgingly consider how the ability to start over from a different perspective would have been helpful earlier in life.
Maybe I could have let Kathryn not meet me in the first place.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And Like this, I continue.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What? Don't leave yet. I have more to say. I really do.
Are you really leaving?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first thing you need to understand is that I'm alone.
I've been alone for a pretty long time now. I'm used to it. I'm content.
Before i became more or less a hermit i found that i had two passions in life.
One was performing, even today when i find that i can't relate to others I can still stand in front of them and make them laugh or surprise them. The irony is strong enough to taste. It doesn't taste good. In case you're wondering my second passion was a girl named Kathryn.
But ill get to that later. I generally face the same day to day problems as every other person except that when other people get stuck, they have their friends and associates to back them up. I don't. I know that you don't want to hear me describe my admittedly less than interesting lifestyle, so instead ill describe my day with a much more interesting allegory.
I used to find joy in the company of others. Now I only have the company of myself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My attention is stolen by a green square on the other end of the room. I want to be its friend more than anything that I've ever wanted.
The square does not react to my approach. Does it not notice me? Or is it only pretending not to notice?
Which would be worse?
Up close, I can see that the green square is actually a door I think that we can be friends anyways. I decide to move to the next room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spotting a couple of platforms up ahead I decide to jump over them.
Take that, platforms!
I decide that Mr.Door is a better friend than the platforms.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now that risk is involved jumping on platforms doesn't seem as easy to me.
I start thinking about how awful it would be to fall.
I find myself proud (and possibly surprised) by my ability to leap over harrowing gaps.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Even from back here i can tell that the ledge ahead is too high for me to jump.
I begin to wonder what would happen....
I feel confused. And a bit tingly. But mostly just confused.
I briefly attempt to think of something to think. Nothing worthwhile emerges.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I haven't talked to anyone lately, but at least I can solve my own problems.
Geronimo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I see a wall blocking the path to the exit. I am dissatisfied.
The area down here is irritatingly spacious.
I think to myself the best course of action is to pull this lever.
I am grateful of my above-average ability to work alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I notice a strange forcefield in this room, i become gradually more and more curious.
I find myself unable to comprehend the purpose of this forcefield. It doesn't seem to block me at all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Understanding the forcefield i notice that this room's field is greenish instead of pinkish.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Staring at this worthlessly large staircase I begin to reflect on my past struggles.
Luckily for me no one was watching as I hopped around like a crazy person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I search for reasons why I don't desire companionship.
I settle on avoidance of the issue, I can clearly get by without others anyways.
I find myself unable to leave the question alone. Why can I not be with people?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I instantly notice how similar this room is to the previous one, and almost feel cheated until i realize that my previous tactic will not work again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It doesn't take long for me to understand that I'm going to need timing to get through here.
Almost there...
I've gotten used to the idea of solving mental problems, but I still enjoy a test of my physical ability here and there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think back to that first day that Kathryn and I met. Our paths converged, and suddenly we were a team.
That was before I was as reclusive as I have become today so I hadn't truly learned to multi-task yet. That talent grew out of simple necessity.
Her approach was quite, as was my response. The connection was instant and unmistakable. A team.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mutual.
Perfect.
I wasn't ready to let it go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we faced a problem we would solve it together. Today I find myself solving the same problems alone.
I was under appreciative, plain and simple. I didn't understand how much I needed her. How much she needed me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was perfect. Everything. It was all perfect.
I helped her, and she helped me. Mutual.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I never suspected the end to come so quickly.
I found myself crushed by guilt. I didn't leave the house for days.
But she was gone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now I find myself alone, I can't handle talking to people anymore.
I grudgingly consider how the ability to start over from a different perspective would have been helpful earlier in life.
Maybe I could have let Kathryn not meet me in the first place.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And Like this, I continue.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What? Don't leave yet. I have more to say. I really do.
Are you really leaving?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~