So this is what my final English project looked like...
The topic was "How I Want to Be Remembered". After such a crazy year, the self reflecting really did get me to think and come to terms with a lot of things. So the following was read this morning. From my third word, tears rolled down my face. But I wasn't sad or upset. The tears represented me moving on and leaving this behind.
Raquel: It’s a strange feeling when you realize you have pretty much remained the same person from elementary school through high school. Not that you haven’t grown or matured or learned new facts and encountered new situations and emotions. All of those things add to yourself. I always saw myself as eager, determined, amusing, intellectual, caring, and willing. I always thought I was ready for the next thing being thrown my way. Always putting the needs and concerns of others before my own. Always helping wherever a hand was needed. Always giving my opinions and watching those around me give form to my own sense of leadership. Never taking second glances, I always just saw the ways in which I was succeeding in my own mind. Never giving heed to the insults, or the teasing, or the jokes, or the friendly cruelty. These just gave me more ambition to succeed and set myself apart from the crowd.
Success: Success is a pretty two-faced word if you ask me. Up until this year, I closed all books behind me, and was able to deem myself a success. It didn’t matter what anyone else said or thought, because I knew I was able to succeed at everything I did. And why would I think otherwise, for it was always so. Just in my four short years of high school I worked at Radio Disney, volunteered and then interned for the Herald, held numerous offices both in local and statewide organizations, worked with March of Dimes and Hands on Miami, was recognized by the Governor for my service project, raised money for books and school supplies for kids in Miami, mentored a 3rd grader, tutored countless numbers of elementary school kids, listened, cared, gave, and hopefully made an impact. At the times that all of these activities were accomplished, I solely thought I was doing these things because I wanted to, because I needed to feed my giving spirit. And a big part of my motives was exactly that. But it wasn’t until this year that I saw and admitted to myself that part of the reason I did all these things, was just that, to do things. Not to do things for the recognition or glitz, because over and over again I am proven that my efforts go unnoticed, and I am ok with that. But I enjoyed doing these things to keep me busy, to keep my away from having to face any “real” problems, to keep me from having time to sit and think about what I am really doing and what life is really all about. I kept doing more and more and more things and I pushed myself further and further away from everyone around me. I was always busy, always needing to do something. But I could never say “no” to anything, and I tried my best to stick with all these things in hopes that they would continue to keep my thoughts away, keep my feelings away. I did everything I could for everyone I could because I didn’t know how to do anything for myself. And when the hours in my days would run out, and my exhaustion was a constant staple in them, and when I began to feel that the distance between me and the world was at its peak, I crashed, and I crashed hard. But for a long time I just braced it. I tried my best to get through each day with a smile on my face, but that was pretty much disastrous considering I had isolated myself so much from everything, I couldn’t find causes to smile for. All of these so-called “success” I had loved myself for for so long gave way to my greatest failures.
Failure: Its difficult to face an emotion and a circumstance that just a few months ago was so foreign, scary, and dirty to you. Until this year, I had never failed. I’m not talking about failing a test, or losing an election, or not getting what I wanted. Those things are failed opportunities to me, not failures. All of my accomplishments, those success I had worked so hard for, hit me like a ton of bricks and because I always fled and ran from dealing with things, I crumbled like a straw house after a wind storm. I had skillfully managed to not only isolate myself, but I was also able to strip all motivation and drive that I had to do anything. Its hard for me to explain this, but I felt so alone and over-worked, meaningless, and overwhelmed with everything I had brought upon myself, that I couldn’t deal with it, I didn’t know how to. Raquel? Not being able to do something? I never even had to think that way. And because I can never say “No” or ask for help, I pushed myself further down my own hole, with no one left around to pull me out. Not because no one cared, but because g-d forbid I actually admitted to putting too much on my own plate, too many things for me to handle. So, because I was so emotionally immature and unprepared and scared, I gave in to failure and just further fed its flame. I just stopped. Stopped working, stopped helping, stopped caring, stopped feeling. And I think that no matter how much I try to tell myself that I didn’t let this show, I know it did. For the first time, I was a failure. And for the first time, I wasn’t that over-achieving, over-eager Raquel that I and everyone else was so used to. How do I know my failure was visible? The glances, the looks, the thoughts of “what happened”, and confusion. But, I didn’t reach out to anyone. I felt that to everyone else, my complete failure was more cause for celebration than concern. And why wouldn’t I? As I looked back I wondered how many people genuinely cared. It was as if the queen bee had been dethroned. I used to work so hard and put so much effort into all of my schoolwork, I used to be the one people called for questions, I used to feel powerful and smart. And now with that part of me gone, it was less competition for those around me. This was difficult to deal with because I never thought people had ill will in this world, but you learn slowly. In my eyes and mind, I was a failure. A failure at life, a failure at school, a failure at maintaining that optimistic spirit that I was prided on. Looking into the mirrors each day, I became more and more disgusted at this failure looking back at me.
Disgust: I was disgusted at myself. But it wasn’t really myself, it was some mutant form of me that I had indeed created. And this failure looked back at me with empty and lonely glances. With hopelessness and despair. My reflection had lost that sparkle that I always carried with me. And I hated this, I hated what I had become, what I turned myself into. So many times during the day I would just look at this failure in the mirror and cry and fill with range and be angry and disgusted at this…this thing. What had happened to me? Where did I let Raquel go. I felt as if that’s it, this is me now, there is nothing I can do about it. Apathy! The one thing I always argue against! And here I was ready to give in to it. The failure in me took over, I lived each day without trying to hard, just trying to get by. And bad things happened, things that were NEVER even a concern or issue for me. I couldn’t even fathom the fact that I was in danger of graduating. I mean, someone who 3 years ago refused to settle for B’s might not be graduating! I don’t think anyone here, l really understands how preposterous this whole idea was! And I knew everyone knew. And I began to understand less and less of what I was doing to myself. And I was scared but I felt so helpless, so small, so weak. I had drained myself from all desire to do anything anymore, and I couldn’t even begin to understand how I was going to fix this. So I would just cry and cry and sit at home and do well..nothing. And I hated myself more and more because not only was I a failure, but I was wasting days away. Days that some people never even had to live. And as my mom and my counselors, and my teachers looked at me blankly, puzzled, it hurt me even more to think that these people think I have given up on myself, and that I no longer cared. But it was so the opposite, I just couldn’t explain it because it seemed they had already given up on me too.
As failure and hatred for myself and apathy and confusion continued to settle into myself, at a point that I just had no energy in me to care, someone whom I hadn’t had the best year with, made maybe what was in her mind two insignificant gestures, but I can honestly say its what has me walking with everyone on Wednesday and smiling once again. I believe that being selfless without recognition is the biggest thing anyone can do in this world. One phone call from on dear friend to another, of genuine concern for my well-being was it for me. It was the first time anyone had gone out of their way to express their concerns for me, to question and try to figure out what was going on. And, because I never openly admitted to being a failure to this friend who relayed the message of the call, she was not aware of my state and the academic danger I was in. But it was this phone call and the next week’s voice of concern to a trusted adult that cleared away some of the hopelessness that was clouding my waters, and shined the light on not only the true character of this person, but on the fact that this failure in me, needed to come out because I could not move on like this. If I didn’t figure things out, I would never come out of this year-long slump, and I would amount to nothing in life.
Confusion: This phone call sparked the confusion in me. I was confused because I had to deal with a situation that was of such importance to my welfare and life that I could not even comprehend it. I always ran away from situations, or shrugged them off, not having the emotional maturity to deal with them and confront them. Sorry. I’m sorry for all the broken promises, unaccomplished goals, sudden irresponsibility, and unfulfilled ideas and dreams. Sorry for the lack of maturity and ability to cope with criticism. I’m sorry for the extreme disappointment and failure that I have been this year. But the concern expressed quickly made me remember who I used to be. I used to be Raquel, I shouldn’t let myself accept this failure as me. And so I am on this slow but advancing process of reconnecting with the old me, being the Raquel I loved and was proud of. But I needed to accept the fact that I had been a failure, and I needed to cope with that, but understand that I didn’t have to continue as a failure, I would use my year-long failure as a reality check and a wake up call and a hard lesson learned, reminding me that trying to do too much and not accepting that you cannot do everything, will keep you true to who you are.
Acceptance: I’ve always been a pretty vocal person and things always stick better in my mind when said aloud. No matter how hard this is for me to admit to and accept, it’s the reality of my senior year. I, Raquel Maya have accepted the fact that I was a failure to myself this past year, however I will not let that taint my future. This is the first time that I have really ever let anything go, but I could not imagine it being something better. Being able to have jumped out of my slump took a whole school year. And honestly, that makes me angry but having to face one of my worst fears now, I can only hope to be better prepared to face any other challenges to myself that come along. Although things didn’t go the way I wanted them this year, and I didn’t work the way I wanted to, the most important thing to me is that I am leaving this public school system the same way I went into it 13 years ago. Ready, willing, and eager to face and experience whatever is in store for me, and with that same passion and desire to succeed. However, my search for success will be modified. The words “No, I cannot take on another responsibility”, “I need help”, and “Thank You”, will be added to remind me that failure was a hard thing to understand and deal with, and I want to try my best to deviate from it.
Remembrance: So as I stand here in front of a group of people who I have become so accustomed to seeing every weekday, I ask and plead that you recall, not remember (remember hints at something left behind or lost) me for Raquel, not Raquel the failure. For those of you that have known me for more than this year, I hope that I have successfully at one point or another instilled in you guys motivation and encouragement for the betterment of yourself. And I’m sorry if to some of you that sounds like crap, but it is really heartfelt. I genuinely try to live my life letting people know that they are worth it, they can be successful, and that I will be there if needed, always willing to listen and cheer up. I dwelled on being angry for a while at the fact that it was a rarity for people to do those things for me without me seeming miserable, but I rethought things and you know what, there are always people around you that care constantly. Whether they show it and whether you realize it, is up to you.
Raquel: It’s a strange feeling when you realize you have pretty much remained the same person from elementary school through high school. Not that you haven’t grown or matured or learned new facts and encountered new situations and emotions. All of those things add to yourself. I always saw myself as eager, determined, amusing, intellectual, caring, and willing. I always thought I was ready for the next thing being thrown my way. Always putting the needs and concerns of others before my own. Always helping wherever a hand was needed. Always giving my opinions and watching those around me give form to my own sense of leadership. Never taking second glances, I always just saw the ways in which I was succeeding in my own mind. Never giving heed to the insults, or the teasing, or the jokes, or the friendly cruelty. These just gave me more ambition to succeed and set myself apart from the crowd.
Success: Success is a pretty two-faced word if you ask me. Up until this year, I closed all books behind me, and was able to deem myself a success. It didn’t matter what anyone else said or thought, because I knew I was able to succeed at everything I did. And why would I think otherwise, for it was always so. Just in my four short years of high school I worked at Radio Disney, volunteered and then interned for the Herald, held numerous offices both in local and statewide organizations, worked with March of Dimes and Hands on Miami, was recognized by the Governor for my service project, raised money for books and school supplies for kids in Miami, mentored a 3rd grader, tutored countless numbers of elementary school kids, listened, cared, gave, and hopefully made an impact. At the times that all of these activities were accomplished, I solely thought I was doing these things because I wanted to, because I needed to feed my giving spirit. And a big part of my motives was exactly that. But it wasn’t until this year that I saw and admitted to myself that part of the reason I did all these things, was just that, to do things. Not to do things for the recognition or glitz, because over and over again I am proven that my efforts go unnoticed, and I am ok with that. But I enjoyed doing these things to keep me busy, to keep my away from having to face any “real” problems, to keep me from having time to sit and think about what I am really doing and what life is really all about. I kept doing more and more and more things and I pushed myself further and further away from everyone around me. I was always busy, always needing to do something. But I could never say “no” to anything, and I tried my best to stick with all these things in hopes that they would continue to keep my thoughts away, keep my feelings away. I did everything I could for everyone I could because I didn’t know how to do anything for myself. And when the hours in my days would run out, and my exhaustion was a constant staple in them, and when I began to feel that the distance between me and the world was at its peak, I crashed, and I crashed hard. But for a long time I just braced it. I tried my best to get through each day with a smile on my face, but that was pretty much disastrous considering I had isolated myself so much from everything, I couldn’t find causes to smile for. All of these so-called “success” I had loved myself for for so long gave way to my greatest failures.
Failure: Its difficult to face an emotion and a circumstance that just a few months ago was so foreign, scary, and dirty to you. Until this year, I had never failed. I’m not talking about failing a test, or losing an election, or not getting what I wanted. Those things are failed opportunities to me, not failures. All of my accomplishments, those success I had worked so hard for, hit me like a ton of bricks and because I always fled and ran from dealing with things, I crumbled like a straw house after a wind storm. I had skillfully managed to not only isolate myself, but I was also able to strip all motivation and drive that I had to do anything. Its hard for me to explain this, but I felt so alone and over-worked, meaningless, and overwhelmed with everything I had brought upon myself, that I couldn’t deal with it, I didn’t know how to. Raquel? Not being able to do something? I never even had to think that way. And because I can never say “No” or ask for help, I pushed myself further down my own hole, with no one left around to pull me out. Not because no one cared, but because g-d forbid I actually admitted to putting too much on my own plate, too many things for me to handle. So, because I was so emotionally immature and unprepared and scared, I gave in to failure and just further fed its flame. I just stopped. Stopped working, stopped helping, stopped caring, stopped feeling. And I think that no matter how much I try to tell myself that I didn’t let this show, I know it did. For the first time, I was a failure. And for the first time, I wasn’t that over-achieving, over-eager Raquel that I and everyone else was so used to. How do I know my failure was visible? The glances, the looks, the thoughts of “what happened”, and confusion. But, I didn’t reach out to anyone. I felt that to everyone else, my complete failure was more cause for celebration than concern. And why wouldn’t I? As I looked back I wondered how many people genuinely cared. It was as if the queen bee had been dethroned. I used to work so hard and put so much effort into all of my schoolwork, I used to be the one people called for questions, I used to feel powerful and smart. And now with that part of me gone, it was less competition for those around me. This was difficult to deal with because I never thought people had ill will in this world, but you learn slowly. In my eyes and mind, I was a failure. A failure at life, a failure at school, a failure at maintaining that optimistic spirit that I was prided on. Looking into the mirrors each day, I became more and more disgusted at this failure looking back at me.
Disgust: I was disgusted at myself. But it wasn’t really myself, it was some mutant form of me that I had indeed created. And this failure looked back at me with empty and lonely glances. With hopelessness and despair. My reflection had lost that sparkle that I always carried with me. And I hated this, I hated what I had become, what I turned myself into. So many times during the day I would just look at this failure in the mirror and cry and fill with range and be angry and disgusted at this…this thing. What had happened to me? Where did I let Raquel go. I felt as if that’s it, this is me now, there is nothing I can do about it. Apathy! The one thing I always argue against! And here I was ready to give in to it. The failure in me took over, I lived each day without trying to hard, just trying to get by. And bad things happened, things that were NEVER even a concern or issue for me. I couldn’t even fathom the fact that I was in danger of graduating. I mean, someone who 3 years ago refused to settle for B’s might not be graduating! I don’t think anyone here, l really understands how preposterous this whole idea was! And I knew everyone knew. And I began to understand less and less of what I was doing to myself. And I was scared but I felt so helpless, so small, so weak. I had drained myself from all desire to do anything anymore, and I couldn’t even begin to understand how I was going to fix this. So I would just cry and cry and sit at home and do well..nothing. And I hated myself more and more because not only was I a failure, but I was wasting days away. Days that some people never even had to live. And as my mom and my counselors, and my teachers looked at me blankly, puzzled, it hurt me even more to think that these people think I have given up on myself, and that I no longer cared. But it was so the opposite, I just couldn’t explain it because it seemed they had already given up on me too.
As failure and hatred for myself and apathy and confusion continued to settle into myself, at a point that I just had no energy in me to care, someone whom I hadn’t had the best year with, made maybe what was in her mind two insignificant gestures, but I can honestly say its what has me walking with everyone on Wednesday and smiling once again. I believe that being selfless without recognition is the biggest thing anyone can do in this world. One phone call from on dear friend to another, of genuine concern for my well-being was it for me. It was the first time anyone had gone out of their way to express their concerns for me, to question and try to figure out what was going on. And, because I never openly admitted to being a failure to this friend who relayed the message of the call, she was not aware of my state and the academic danger I was in. But it was this phone call and the next week’s voice of concern to a trusted adult that cleared away some of the hopelessness that was clouding my waters, and shined the light on not only the true character of this person, but on the fact that this failure in me, needed to come out because I could not move on like this. If I didn’t figure things out, I would never come out of this year-long slump, and I would amount to nothing in life.
Confusion: This phone call sparked the confusion in me. I was confused because I had to deal with a situation that was of such importance to my welfare and life that I could not even comprehend it. I always ran away from situations, or shrugged them off, not having the emotional maturity to deal with them and confront them. Sorry. I’m sorry for all the broken promises, unaccomplished goals, sudden irresponsibility, and unfulfilled ideas and dreams. Sorry for the lack of maturity and ability to cope with criticism. I’m sorry for the extreme disappointment and failure that I have been this year. But the concern expressed quickly made me remember who I used to be. I used to be Raquel, I shouldn’t let myself accept this failure as me. And so I am on this slow but advancing process of reconnecting with the old me, being the Raquel I loved and was proud of. But I needed to accept the fact that I had been a failure, and I needed to cope with that, but understand that I didn’t have to continue as a failure, I would use my year-long failure as a reality check and a wake up call and a hard lesson learned, reminding me that trying to do too much and not accepting that you cannot do everything, will keep you true to who you are.
Acceptance: I’ve always been a pretty vocal person and things always stick better in my mind when said aloud. No matter how hard this is for me to admit to and accept, it’s the reality of my senior year. I, Raquel Maya have accepted the fact that I was a failure to myself this past year, however I will not let that taint my future. This is the first time that I have really ever let anything go, but I could not imagine it being something better. Being able to have jumped out of my slump took a whole school year. And honestly, that makes me angry but having to face one of my worst fears now, I can only hope to be better prepared to face any other challenges to myself that come along. Although things didn’t go the way I wanted them this year, and I didn’t work the way I wanted to, the most important thing to me is that I am leaving this public school system the same way I went into it 13 years ago. Ready, willing, and eager to face and experience whatever is in store for me, and with that same passion and desire to succeed. However, my search for success will be modified. The words “No, I cannot take on another responsibility”, “I need help”, and “Thank You”, will be added to remind me that failure was a hard thing to understand and deal with, and I want to try my best to deviate from it.
Remembrance: So as I stand here in front of a group of people who I have become so accustomed to seeing every weekday, I ask and plead that you recall, not remember (remember hints at something left behind or lost) me for Raquel, not Raquel the failure. For those of you that have known me for more than this year, I hope that I have successfully at one point or another instilled in you guys motivation and encouragement for the betterment of yourself. And I’m sorry if to some of you that sounds like crap, but it is really heartfelt. I genuinely try to live my life letting people know that they are worth it, they can be successful, and that I will be there if needed, always willing to listen and cheer up. I dwelled on being angry for a while at the fact that it was a rarity for people to do those things for me without me seeming miserable, but I rethought things and you know what, there are always people around you that care constantly. Whether they show it and whether you realize it, is up to you.