Sep 04, 2007 01:41
I can't sleep and can't focus enough to do work.... so what else to do? Write on livejournal of course.
I haven't been on in a while, been to insane with the shit down here to do it. I need to now.
In a nutshell, I'm miserable. I'm trying my best not to be, but I'm constantly reminded of just how much this sucks.
There are specific things I can pinpoint about why this sucks... such as a large dysfunctional university system that went from a commuter campus to a major university and doesnt have an efficient infrastructure to keep up, or the new faculty and new head of the dept and the new focus of the theatre school that creates chaos in its transition (I.e. we are offering you a scholarship of which we don't have the money to offer you), or the fact that houston as a city blows hard and it rains on top of it every day. Those are hard facts that make this school blow. hard.
Then there are the intangible chunks of blowing hard. The I know something is wrong but I can't quite seem to figure out what that is wrong. I know in my gut something is wrong. I know from experience that something isn't right. I know from talking to other people in MFA programs that something is missing. What is it?
I was recruited by one guy... and I trust him and what he has to say. He believes in me. He is worthwhile. I had an intensive 4 day training 8am-10:30pm every day with him that showed me why I chose to come study with him. Then school started. I don't trust a single person in the department. Yes they all have accolades and resumes that on paper are impressive, but I have yet to see structure or focus, specifics to learn and work on on my own, or a goal to reach for from these esteemed faculty. I had better classes in highschool. I've been told things will get better, or that Im just not working hard enough, or that grad school is all about finding your independence and learning on your own. OK..... fine, thats all nice and dandy..... but I didn't move half way across the country to learn on my own. THat is a correspondance course. That is enroll at the University of Phoenix online and get your degree in marketing!! THat is just throw yourself into the real world and see where you land and how you pick yourself up.
Things will get better, youve only been there for 2 weeks? I don't see why they need to be unneccisarily shitty in the first place. I had students for 4 weeks in italy in the summers. We only had 4 weeks to accomplish stuff. THey were highschoolers, but we still managed to DO something. Ok.... I'm not working hard enough? Fine... GIVE ME SOMETHING WORTH WORKING ON. For an MFA with only 10 actors and 2 directors.... we don't get very intense individualized attention. THe 2 directing students get even less. Poor fucks. My new friend Eva said "you just need to fully give yourself over to the department." OK I did that and got nothing... and that to me seems like the reasoning people use and why most people stay in abusive relationships longer than they should.
Here is a breakdown of what my coursework is like....
-My acting class..... we spend 1.5 hours of the 2 hour class talking about the business of acting and then 20 minutes for 12 people of abstract exercises. We TALK About being specific and DOING but then sit there and continue to talk about very general things.
-MY acting directing theory class.... in theory should be interesting.... but in practice... we have no text book... we just have an old glass eyed bitter ex head of the dept who just makes the class "STORY TIME" where he tells us all about the famous people he has worked with in his illustrious career. I could teach a better acting and directing theory course. Seriously.
-My movement class... is not actually movement but fight choreography....alright I guess.... but then it is by a very lazy fight director who doesn't seem to be interested to be there. He hosted a workshop with a fee this weekend that he wanted us to pay for to attend. Is it weird that I Have to pay for an outside workshop to actually feel like IM learning rather than get that in the actual school class that I'm paying for?
-MY voice class.... has the most structure and the most promise. I need the most work on this part of my training. THis is also the teacher who doesn't seem to like me the most out of all my professors.
-MY ensemble training class.... GREAT STUFF... Suzuki, viewpoints... but wait.... its not an actual class... I'm not enrolled in it.... but its required as part of my degree... what? This is intense physical work for 2 hours where THANK YOU I'm finally DOING something, but because of the structure of the dept and the university it has to be structured as a university "club" and not a class.
Ok.... at least I'm getting the training... but its stuff I Should be getting every morning not 1-2 times a week
-THe INtro to theatre class I'm a TA for.... biggest bunch of bullshit Ive seen in a while. YEs it is a basic course for non majors... that doesn't mean they have the brain capacity of a preschooler. I understand that I have had a backrgound in theatre, and concepts more commonplace to me might be entirely new for them, but this class is a joke. THis is what they are teaching people here? THe limited slow basic knowledge they are getting isnt even accurate!!
-THE ONLY CLASS IN WHICH I'VE ACCOMPLISHED STUFF FROM SPECIFIC AND FOCUSED TEACHING AND WORK ON MY PART is the class I am voluntarily taking outside of the department. I Have signed up for voice lessons with the school of music. THe teacher was great.. provided constructive feedback and tools to help me work on my own. IT was the best half hour of training I've had in the two weeks Ive been here.
On top of all that the structure of my "coursework" is bizarre. I don't really have syllabi... and the assignments seem haphazard. I either get the assignments in passing as in a random email the day before it is due(which I cannot regularly check because of internet problems and my computer is dead) or in passing as we are running out the door......OR I get a blanket assignment as in read these 70 books and we will discuss one of them on a date yet to be determined and never told to you. OK. As a former 4.25 GPA high school student and a Magna Sum Laude with a part time job and rehearsals and an internship..... don't tell me I have a problem with time management. GIve me something specific and I'll do it and do it well. This vague I'm going to keep your training/education a secret bullshit doesn't help me learn efficiently or do my best work. Look up pedagogy in the dictionary. 50% of one of my coursework in a class is "class participation", I'm sorry...... what? OK there are 10 of us... IN GRAD SCHOOL if you don't participate WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE??
One of my upcoming assignments (date to be determined) is as an ensemble we have to teach ourselves the choreography and perform the number with signing... to the finale of Disney's TV movie HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL. I'm sorry, what??? Is this a joke?
OK I understand what lessons "could be learned" yes.. ensemble building, yes learning something on your own, yes seeing what the current state of entertainment is doing and how we can do it, yes fully committing to the bullshit of the current state of entertainment.... but you know what? NO. That's just more bullshit. That's not art. That's not training. WIll I learn it and rock it out? Yes.... but for what purpose... so I can be proud that I did it? oy.
And don't get me started on the ever impressive "mainstage season". two plays this term.. First off....Below the Belt, a play that no one has ever heard of.... directed by a nutjob who the students call Carolyn "Crazy" Boone...... whose directed Houston Shakespeare Festival's R&J which might have been one of the top 10 worst shows Ive ever seen... yeah. She looks like she has had 5 face lifts too many. THis is the first rehearsal (a report from one of my fellow classmates in the show).... she didn't show up to the first rehearsal because she felt a headache coming on..... but she had the stage manager run the rehearsal where they just did a read through. This was wednesday.... she then instructed her cast to be off book by the following tuesday ready for a full run through...... but wait.... there were NO rehearsals from Wed to Tuesday..... what?
OK moving on...... Arcadia by Tom Stoppard....a decent play by a great playwright, but......directed by senile glass eye quackjob who teaches my Act/Dir Theory course... he also directed Loves Labors Lost for the Houston Shakespeare Festival.... not quite as bad as R&J but probably in close running for one of the top 10 worst shows Ive seen in my entire life. He also wants to cast all the undergrads.
SO joy.... these are my WONDERFUL opportunities for acting this term..OH wait... there is the callback I sort of got for a grad student's directing piece... So the callback list went up, and I Was the ONLY grad student not on it.. but then I was passed along a message how the director forgot to put me on the list but really wanted to call me back. It was the graduate form of "passing me a note" at least it wasnt written in purple pen with hearts dotting the i's. I emailed the director asking for confirmation but didn't get a response until a week later THE DAY OF the callback with the sides I was reading for. WHat??
I have two promising projects... one of my own accord... I am meeting wednesday with this Contemporary ARt gallery on campus to do a collaborative art project using their space as a performance space. NOt happy with what youre given? MAke your own. That's what I'm doing.
Then a mainstage show in Feb... Good WOMan of SEtzuan... by a stellar playwright BRECHT.....with an out of town guest director from NYC who specializes in VIewpoints because she trained with BOgart AND Tina Landau...AAAAND Who is specifically on board to work with the grad actors. SO I Just have to wait patiently until then to do something worthwhile.
Although at this rate by then I Will be in chicago RE-auditioning for other grad schools... many of which told me last year to come back next year when I would be older.
I knew this would be difficult. I knew adapting to a new city and leaving my old city and people. What I didn't know was that I would be signing up to feel like I was in highschool again.
*I apologize about the funky capitalization... I am on my roomate's mac since my computer is deceased, and the keyboard is proving difficult.