Angsty family matters..

[darksakura0522]

I feel like shit right now... my mom and dad hate each other so much that they cant even be within the same proximity without all hell breaking loose. And here I am, in the middle...again. I wanted them to discuss their plans for my college finances, but they cant even do that. But I'm sure it's mostly my dad's fault, it almost always is. He always has time, energy, and money for everyone else except for his own children. My thoughts of suicide are as high as they were during the one year i had to live with him. What else can I do? Mom, she's the best mom anyone can ask for (thank god i live with her), and she won't tolerate shit from my dad anymore, being as though they are divorced now, but sometimes she takes it a bit too far and says unnecessary things {But at least they are true}. But after they went their separate ways, my dad calls me and tells me "I will do my best to pay for your college, do your part and I'll do mine", what BULLSHIT. I'll bet once I turn 18 he'll just disown me like he did to my brother! I think my mom should just take him to court and get child support. But it's just SAD that I would have to resort to that, I mean force my dad to support me somehow, not because he wants to, but FORCE HIM! He treats strangers better than he treats his own children. It's not about the money, it's the heart/effort he puts into it. And whenever he does something, I always have to owe him something. My mom really wants me to have a father, because she grew up without one, but my biological one ain't the father for me. I remember once he told me, "I'll re-marry a godly wife and have godly children!", *sigh*, yes he actually said that on more than one occasion. That is how worthless I am to him. My father, the master exaggerator. He would say anything for me to hate my mom, but i don't believe anything he says. He disrespects himself, therefore he will disrespect others, he's in a big ass hole of self-pity, he will always blame me for his hurt and pain. And I have to stop allowing that to happen, I will not be his enabler anymore, I can't just sit here and take it, he ain't worth it. I have had to live with this for 15 years of my life, I can't live anymore like this. Next thing, I'll be in a relationship where the guy will walk all over me like a door mat and I'll think it's ok! I cannot allow that.

I really want to die right now, but I know that will not solve anything. I have to survive this agony somehow. Please if anyone willing to give me advice on this, don't be afraid to comment