The past 18 days
Whats been going on
So what has been going on in my life lately? Well as everyone has noticed I have refused to answer the question how are you? My answers have been not good, bad, or I would prefer not to talk about it.
Not really sure if even now is the good time. But I figure it’s worth posting to at least clear some things up.
This is going back before father’s day even though that’s where this nightmare kind of started.
Business had slowed down at my store since the snow birds went back home, no new furniture coming in and the accessories we got well are shit because the owners rich friend with no taste did the buying for us. My manager warned me that they might start cutting everyones hours a bit like 5 hours. I was ok this sucks but nothing I could do about it.
Day before fathers day I signed up for RIFT being kind of excited after trying the trial for a few days, I took my father out for dinner…actually my mother did but she handed me the money and said to tell him it was my treat.
Ok jump to father’s day. It was my “Rez day” in second life. In the real world you have a birthday well the day you make your avatar and come to second life if your rez day. Usually it’s a big deal. I had finally taken the initiative and decided to try and further my art. Above my cabin I made my own art gallery, not a rented space but my own gallery. Sure it was one room but it was to my design, scheme and showed only my art. I was proud this was a big deal to me. Almost like a dream coming true.
Well before I left for work I sent out the invites to everyone and the groups I was in. Sure I had to leave for work but I figured I would come back to offline messages of people saying how they stopped by and loved it, maybe even bought some stuff.
So I get in to work on a high thinking life was pretty good. My boss told me she had some bad news. I figured this was it the message came down my hours were getting cut.
Well they did…all of them. I was laid off, in fact all employees save managers in any store but the precious flag ship store was laid off.
So I was left alone to collect myself. I called my family whom I had just called 30min earlier. My mother joked that I must really love my father to call a second time. I told her.
There was a loud bang as she dropped the phone and ran to the bathroom to be sick. So I had to repeat the news to a bewildered father. He just kept saying it just means something else will come along.
I went up to my manager who was in tears. She then spent the day crying and looking up job listings or places I could try; I was...numb. A part of me wondered when I would get to have my breakdown. Yet there was only a numb feeling in me. I had gone 2 years moving here with no one even giving me the chance of an interview (so many things I passes on to try and conserve my funds as long as possible), by some dumb miracle I had gotten this job and with the money got my own apartment to begin my new life. I was able to start dental work I had been putting off and overall even though I had to be careful with my funds my life was on a road going up.
Now I had nothing except my old bills, bills associated with my apartment and a new bill coming for the $3000 out of the $5000 dental work I had had done so far that needed to be paid off in a year. On top of that my last tooth is twinging and I knew at some point the final $2000 would have to be approached for me to get that last tooth worked on.
I kept looking at my apartment and wondered how long before I would have to break the lease and beg my folks to let me move back in. The answer at best was 2 months. I kept telling myself I might be able to work something if I can find a part time job coupled with unemployment, could provide me with a little bit of funds to last longer.
Then I got a letter form unemployment that roughly said fuck off. It did not matter I worked at my job for 9 months, all they cared about was the 3 months I worked there in 2011 and as far as they were concerned that wasn’t enough.
I sent out lots of resumes, went to stores in person and came home sick from walking in the Arizona sun at summer with no shade. The only place I could get an interview was at the bath and body works. It’s a lotion store btw, and in a group interview they told us how they were giving a generous 4 hours a week..
I never got a call back, I guess I wasn’t perky enough compared to some 16 yr old girl wanting the job.
At this point I started cancelling online web site subscriptions, and even contacted TRION the people that produce RIFT, since I didn’t really like it. OK it’s a warcraft knockoff without the stuff that makes me like warcraft. I didn’t expect a full refund but maybe a partial on the months I did not play. They said no.
I figured maybe now I could go to a few friends and tell them what was going on. At least I tried. The first friend I tried to talk to was in their own crisis because their pet was dying. So of course I had to put my own troubles aside and talk to him because he needed it. I tried again and once again another friend in crisis and I had to be there.
At this point I gave up trying to get some kind of support. I reminded myself everyone has their problems so what makes mine special. Even if someone did care all they could do would be to write me and say something like “am here” or “hugz”
I know this is almost standard reaction and there is meaning behind it sometimes but…
Its not the same as having the physical person here to hold them, to tell them in person, there is no bear night for me to go to and try to forget my problems for a little while. No matter how nice the words are…its still me alone in my apartment reading words on a monitor…and nothing else.
Ok jump to a few days ago. My mother left me a voice mail because at this point I didn’t want to talk to the world. I had turned my phone off, kept it off and just lay in bed thinking of how long I had left.
Her message was I found you a job. The job was my brothers well keeper I guess you would say. Back in NY there was an agency that took my brother out in the mornings and evenings. The state pays people to become day care providers for disabled people. The hours are decided in some way and then the case worker tells the family that how many they get and the state will pay them.
Since we moved to Arizona no agency has contacted us about this, no real problem since I was always there to watch my brother for my folks when need be. My parents decided they were entitled to this money, and I had no job so the job was now mine. This past Saturday I went and got CPR certified (am afraid if I ever am put to the test) and today I handed in all the paperwork.
Overall this is something I have done my whole life, only now I am being paid for it. Actually I am being paid $2 more an hr to do it then my old job for the same amount of hours. When I told my old boss she handed me a $25 gift card and told me to go celebrate, my mother called this evening and told me roughly what I would be making a week after taxes and told me to celebrate.
The problem is..am still numb. Not numb with shock or relief…just numb. I don’t know how to be happy, I spent 2 years telling myself that happy is a luxury I cannot afford. I told my mother all this just means is now I can go on paying my bills, that I wont lose my apartment (notice I say apartment not my home. Nothing feels like home to me that is also numb) my mother said she understood but I don’t think so.
As for the $25 gift card that my old manager expected me to use and buy myself something nice…I’ll just tuck it away and put towards buying x-mas gifts for my family to help and conserve my money.
So there you have it, what has been going on in my life for the past 18 days. Sorry if i took up your time reading this.
So what has been going on in my life lately? Well as everyone has noticed I have refused to answer the question how are you? My answers have been not good, bad, or I would prefer not to talk about it.
Not really sure if even now is the good time. But I figure it’s worth posting to at least clear some things up.
This is going back before father’s day even though that’s where this nightmare kind of started.
Business had slowed down at my store since the snow birds went back home, no new furniture coming in and the accessories we got well are shit because the owners rich friend with no taste did the buying for us. My manager warned me that they might start cutting everyones hours a bit like 5 hours. I was ok this sucks but nothing I could do about it.
Day before fathers day I signed up for RIFT being kind of excited after trying the trial for a few days, I took my father out for dinner…actually my mother did but she handed me the money and said to tell him it was my treat.
Ok jump to father’s day. It was my “Rez day” in second life. In the real world you have a birthday well the day you make your avatar and come to second life if your rez day. Usually it’s a big deal. I had finally taken the initiative and decided to try and further my art. Above my cabin I made my own art gallery, not a rented space but my own gallery. Sure it was one room but it was to my design, scheme and showed only my art. I was proud this was a big deal to me. Almost like a dream coming true.
Well before I left for work I sent out the invites to everyone and the groups I was in. Sure I had to leave for work but I figured I would come back to offline messages of people saying how they stopped by and loved it, maybe even bought some stuff.
So I get in to work on a high thinking life was pretty good. My boss told me she had some bad news. I figured this was it the message came down my hours were getting cut.
Well they did…all of them. I was laid off, in fact all employees save managers in any store but the precious flag ship store was laid off.
So I was left alone to collect myself. I called my family whom I had just called 30min earlier. My mother joked that I must really love my father to call a second time. I told her.
There was a loud bang as she dropped the phone and ran to the bathroom to be sick. So I had to repeat the news to a bewildered father. He just kept saying it just means something else will come along.
I went up to my manager who was in tears. She then spent the day crying and looking up job listings or places I could try; I was...numb. A part of me wondered when I would get to have my breakdown. Yet there was only a numb feeling in me. I had gone 2 years moving here with no one even giving me the chance of an interview (so many things I passes on to try and conserve my funds as long as possible), by some dumb miracle I had gotten this job and with the money got my own apartment to begin my new life. I was able to start dental work I had been putting off and overall even though I had to be careful with my funds my life was on a road going up.
Now I had nothing except my old bills, bills associated with my apartment and a new bill coming for the $3000 out of the $5000 dental work I had had done so far that needed to be paid off in a year. On top of that my last tooth is twinging and I knew at some point the final $2000 would have to be approached for me to get that last tooth worked on.
I kept looking at my apartment and wondered how long before I would have to break the lease and beg my folks to let me move back in. The answer at best was 2 months. I kept telling myself I might be able to work something if I can find a part time job coupled with unemployment, could provide me with a little bit of funds to last longer.
Then I got a letter form unemployment that roughly said fuck off. It did not matter I worked at my job for 9 months, all they cared about was the 3 months I worked there in 2011 and as far as they were concerned that wasn’t enough.
I sent out lots of resumes, went to stores in person and came home sick from walking in the Arizona sun at summer with no shade. The only place I could get an interview was at the bath and body works. It’s a lotion store btw, and in a group interview they told us how they were giving a generous 4 hours a week..
I never got a call back, I guess I wasn’t perky enough compared to some 16 yr old girl wanting the job.
At this point I started cancelling online web site subscriptions, and even contacted TRION the people that produce RIFT, since I didn’t really like it. OK it’s a warcraft knockoff without the stuff that makes me like warcraft. I didn’t expect a full refund but maybe a partial on the months I did not play. They said no.
I figured maybe now I could go to a few friends and tell them what was going on. At least I tried. The first friend I tried to talk to was in their own crisis because their pet was dying. So of course I had to put my own troubles aside and talk to him because he needed it. I tried again and once again another friend in crisis and I had to be there.
At this point I gave up trying to get some kind of support. I reminded myself everyone has their problems so what makes mine special. Even if someone did care all they could do would be to write me and say something like “am here” or “hugz”
I know this is almost standard reaction and there is meaning behind it sometimes but…
Its not the same as having the physical person here to hold them, to tell them in person, there is no bear night for me to go to and try to forget my problems for a little while. No matter how nice the words are…its still me alone in my apartment reading words on a monitor…and nothing else.
Ok jump to a few days ago. My mother left me a voice mail because at this point I didn’t want to talk to the world. I had turned my phone off, kept it off and just lay in bed thinking of how long I had left.
Her message was I found you a job. The job was my brothers well keeper I guess you would say. Back in NY there was an agency that took my brother out in the mornings and evenings. The state pays people to become day care providers for disabled people. The hours are decided in some way and then the case worker tells the family that how many they get and the state will pay them.
Since we moved to Arizona no agency has contacted us about this, no real problem since I was always there to watch my brother for my folks when need be. My parents decided they were entitled to this money, and I had no job so the job was now mine. This past Saturday I went and got CPR certified (am afraid if I ever am put to the test) and today I handed in all the paperwork.
Overall this is something I have done my whole life, only now I am being paid for it. Actually I am being paid $2 more an hr to do it then my old job for the same amount of hours. When I told my old boss she handed me a $25 gift card and told me to go celebrate, my mother called this evening and told me roughly what I would be making a week after taxes and told me to celebrate.
The problem is..am still numb. Not numb with shock or relief…just numb. I don’t know how to be happy, I spent 2 years telling myself that happy is a luxury I cannot afford. I told my mother all this just means is now I can go on paying my bills, that I wont lose my apartment (notice I say apartment not my home. Nothing feels like home to me that is also numb) my mother said she understood but I don’t think so.
As for the $25 gift card that my old manager expected me to use and buy myself something nice…I’ll just tuck it away and put towards buying x-mas gifts for my family to help and conserve my money.
So there you have it, what has been going on in my life for the past 18 days. Sorry if i took up your time reading this.