(no subject)
When I get really depressed or upset about something, I tend to write my feelings down. I try to be honest with myself and not hide anything...completely vulnerable. I just wrote a paragraph and for some reason I'm going to post it here...even though I know that no one really reads this anymore b/c I said I wouldn't update anymore. I'll just say I am strange and leave it at that.
"I feel so lonely during the week. I wish Grant felt like I do sometimes; then he would understand the misery of it. I know I could just not think about it, and according to what I know Grant would say, I shouldn't think about it. But I do. I miss him during the week. All I really get is the weekend. I thought that while mom was gone to FL I would be able to stay at Grant's and see him more often, but I guess he wants to focus more on his career now. They say that after a person has a stable relationship eventually that person wants to focus more on other things. I know that is natural, but it is also very depressing. I wonder how happy I would really be if I moved in with him one day. Thus, how happy would he be? I can't figure out if I'm afraid or not, or if I am selfish or not. Is it wrong of me to want to spend more time with him? I don’t know, so I haven’t asked for anything. He knows I am sad when he leaves sometimes; I can’t hide it. But he doesn’t know exactly how depressed I get right after he walks out the door. Why should he? Even if he did, he does have to go to work; he can’t change that. But then it is Wednesday - billiards night for him at the pool hall. He won’t be back today…tonight…tomorrow morning… until 3am…and he left this morn at 11am. All I get to do with him during the week is sleep. His career seems to be the most central thing in his life right now, but he is the most central thing in my life. I guess that is all it really boils down to."
"I feel so lonely during the week. I wish Grant felt like I do sometimes; then he would understand the misery of it. I know I could just not think about it, and according to what I know Grant would say, I shouldn't think about it. But I do. I miss him during the week. All I really get is the weekend. I thought that while mom was gone to FL I would be able to stay at Grant's and see him more often, but I guess he wants to focus more on his career now. They say that after a person has a stable relationship eventually that person wants to focus more on other things. I know that is natural, but it is also very depressing. I wonder how happy I would really be if I moved in with him one day. Thus, how happy would he be? I can't figure out if I'm afraid or not, or if I am selfish or not. Is it wrong of me to want to spend more time with him? I don’t know, so I haven’t asked for anything. He knows I am sad when he leaves sometimes; I can’t hide it. But he doesn’t know exactly how depressed I get right after he walks out the door. Why should he? Even if he did, he does have to go to work; he can’t change that. But then it is Wednesday - billiards night for him at the pool hall. He won’t be back today…tonight…tomorrow morning… until 3am…and he left this morn at 11am. All I get to do with him during the week is sleep. His career seems to be the most central thing in his life right now, but he is the most central thing in my life. I guess that is all it really boils down to."