(no subject)
Hello Sweetie, My darling David,
I don't know where to start. there has been so much said on my end. I just wish I knew how you stand on your end. I know that you have issues with emotions, but I want you to know that I still love you. So much so that I would still choose you every time..... if you only you would choose me. I know that is asking a lot, so I wasn't ever asking for that. That isn't fair.
I know that the odds of us working out is next to zero at this point. You deserve someone that doesn't continue to breakdown. I want to be that girl, but I know you will never be able to see me that way. I want to be with you, but I'm scared at the same time. Every time that things between us start going well, we fall back into a pattern. Couch, pizza or Chinese food, and Netflix. And don't get me wrong, I love that, but every time we start down that path, I end up heartbroken. I'm scared of what would happen if I had to relive any of that again. I don't want to do that. So I have my small freak outs because I'm trying to protect myself at least a little bit.
I want you in my life so much that it bothers me when we don't talk. I got sad earlier today because of a Hello Kitty Bandaid I found in my bag. I didn't breakdown or cry, but it took me a minute to move on. You are in my thoughts more often that not. I wonder if you are getting sleep. If you are handling work alright. If you are actually doing well. I worry that you aren't finding time to enjoy life a little. If you found someone to see Guardians with. Finding reasons to smile. I worry that you aren't. I worry that I made this all worse. I worry that you drink too much. Mostly I worry about you.
The problem is that when things get tough, and I start to freak out, you shut down and ignore that it happened. I asked to you make me a promise. One that I really need to hear, but I never got a response. I need some hope that even if we are not going to work out, that you would end it before putting me through that again. It's all I want. Just to hear you say you would end it when you meet someone else. I just want a promise that you will do the right thing when the next option comes along.
I have no desire to be with someone that is even entertaining the idea of another woman. If there were ever another woman, she could have you. I won't do that again. I will fight for you, but never over you. The thought of a man wanting more that one women is a huge turn off for me. I'm not saying you can't enjoy the view, but anything more, is just something I can't and will not do. A little jealousy and teasing can be fun, but it's me and me alone or not me at all.
I would rather spend the rest of my life single and die alone, then let someone make me feel that way again. It's why I freak out. Because you shut down. I don't want you to be all emotional and someone that you are not, but I want you to understand where I'm coming from.
I don't want some fuck buddy to waste my time. I don't want to be some side chick or Netflix and chill girl. I want the real thing. I want to build and learn and enjoy life with someone. I don't want it tomorrow, but I want it to be something I could work toward. I've never asked for promises that it would work out, just a little hope. Something to give us a reason to go forward.
Maybe I'm screwed being an old fashioned romantic in a world of Netflix and chill. I just don't know. Maybe I'm going to be alone forever. There's always that chance. I would rather try to spend time with you to see what could happen, but I guess that depends more on you than me. I miss you everyday. I wish I got to see you more. That we could talk more. I don't want to spend every moment with you. You and I both need some space to ourselves, but we hardly talk sometimes. I miss the days when we would sometimes flirt for hours. I know that you are stressed, and that you work too much, but I feel like we wouldn't talk at all if it weren't for me being annoying. I don't mind not talking sometimes, but communication is needed. Five minutes or so maybe. I would always love more, but I understand when you explain it to me. I don't know that you work over, or that you have plans with Zach, or that you want to catch up on sleep. Just tell me.
I don't know if any of this makes sense. All I know is that I need that promise. That I need to feel safe. I feel safe when I am with you. I have never felt more safe that I do laying in your arms, but I need to hear it. If you give me your word, I can trust you. I just don't want it to ever be said that it wasn't clear what I wanted. What I was willing to do.
I want you. I want us. I want to spend more time with you. I want to see if this is worth it. I believe that you are worth it. So I would like to continue on, but we would have to sometimes talk. I don't bring it up, because I am one of those people that would do anything for those I care about. Even sacrifice myself and my happiness for them. So I put what I want and need on the back burner for them. I just can't always do that. It breaks me after awhile. It's why I don't usually ask for much, and I don't always fight for myself. I always fight for others, but not for me. But I have to fight for this. I have to fight for you and what I want. Just on my terms.
I love you. I miss you. I wish I wasn't so screwed up because of all of this.
I hope you are doing well. I hope you found something fun to do on your off days. I hope you are getting rest. I want what is best for you. Always. MUSH! HUGS!
Shlee
I don't know where to start. there has been so much said on my end. I just wish I knew how you stand on your end. I know that you have issues with emotions, but I want you to know that I still love you. So much so that I would still choose you every time..... if you only you would choose me. I know that is asking a lot, so I wasn't ever asking for that. That isn't fair.
I know that the odds of us working out is next to zero at this point. You deserve someone that doesn't continue to breakdown. I want to be that girl, but I know you will never be able to see me that way. I want to be with you, but I'm scared at the same time. Every time that things between us start going well, we fall back into a pattern. Couch, pizza or Chinese food, and Netflix. And don't get me wrong, I love that, but every time we start down that path, I end up heartbroken. I'm scared of what would happen if I had to relive any of that again. I don't want to do that. So I have my small freak outs because I'm trying to protect myself at least a little bit.
I want you in my life so much that it bothers me when we don't talk. I got sad earlier today because of a Hello Kitty Bandaid I found in my bag. I didn't breakdown or cry, but it took me a minute to move on. You are in my thoughts more often that not. I wonder if you are getting sleep. If you are handling work alright. If you are actually doing well. I worry that you aren't finding time to enjoy life a little. If you found someone to see Guardians with. Finding reasons to smile. I worry that you aren't. I worry that I made this all worse. I worry that you drink too much. Mostly I worry about you.
The problem is that when things get tough, and I start to freak out, you shut down and ignore that it happened. I asked to you make me a promise. One that I really need to hear, but I never got a response. I need some hope that even if we are not going to work out, that you would end it before putting me through that again. It's all I want. Just to hear you say you would end it when you meet someone else. I just want a promise that you will do the right thing when the next option comes along.
I have no desire to be with someone that is even entertaining the idea of another woman. If there were ever another woman, she could have you. I won't do that again. I will fight for you, but never over you. The thought of a man wanting more that one women is a huge turn off for me. I'm not saying you can't enjoy the view, but anything more, is just something I can't and will not do. A little jealousy and teasing can be fun, but it's me and me alone or not me at all.
I would rather spend the rest of my life single and die alone, then let someone make me feel that way again. It's why I freak out. Because you shut down. I don't want you to be all emotional and someone that you are not, but I want you to understand where I'm coming from.
I don't want some fuck buddy to waste my time. I don't want to be some side chick or Netflix and chill girl. I want the real thing. I want to build and learn and enjoy life with someone. I don't want it tomorrow, but I want it to be something I could work toward. I've never asked for promises that it would work out, just a little hope. Something to give us a reason to go forward.
Maybe I'm screwed being an old fashioned romantic in a world of Netflix and chill. I just don't know. Maybe I'm going to be alone forever. There's always that chance. I would rather try to spend time with you to see what could happen, but I guess that depends more on you than me. I miss you everyday. I wish I got to see you more. That we could talk more. I don't want to spend every moment with you. You and I both need some space to ourselves, but we hardly talk sometimes. I miss the days when we would sometimes flirt for hours. I know that you are stressed, and that you work too much, but I feel like we wouldn't talk at all if it weren't for me being annoying. I don't mind not talking sometimes, but communication is needed. Five minutes or so maybe. I would always love more, but I understand when you explain it to me. I don't know that you work over, or that you have plans with Zach, or that you want to catch up on sleep. Just tell me.
I don't know if any of this makes sense. All I know is that I need that promise. That I need to feel safe. I feel safe when I am with you. I have never felt more safe that I do laying in your arms, but I need to hear it. If you give me your word, I can trust you. I just don't want it to ever be said that it wasn't clear what I wanted. What I was willing to do.
I want you. I want us. I want to spend more time with you. I want to see if this is worth it. I believe that you are worth it. So I would like to continue on, but we would have to sometimes talk. I don't bring it up, because I am one of those people that would do anything for those I care about. Even sacrifice myself and my happiness for them. So I put what I want and need on the back burner for them. I just can't always do that. It breaks me after awhile. It's why I don't usually ask for much, and I don't always fight for myself. I always fight for others, but not for me. But I have to fight for this. I have to fight for you and what I want. Just on my terms.
I love you. I miss you. I wish I wasn't so screwed up because of all of this.
I hope you are doing well. I hope you found something fun to do on your off days. I hope you are getting rest. I want what is best for you. Always. MUSH! HUGS!
Shlee