(no subject)
I don't know what to do anymore. I had finally figured out what I had wanted in life and it was all taken away with no explanation. I was told exactly what I wanted to hear and then told it wasn't an option. It's sad because I always sad that girls were stupid for letting themselves get worked up over guys. I always thought I would never be the girl that would cry over a guy. I was wrong. I was so wrong. I don't know if it's because of me, the birth control, or him. Maybe I'm still not right. I know that my hormones are on overdrive and everything is out of whack still, but I'm still not okay. Maybe this is what having your heart broken does to a person. I don't have any comparison. I just know that I had a vision in my head. A thought about what my life could have been. I wanted it more than anything. I still do. I just fell lost now. Like I know there is a path out there for me, but I haven't seen it for awhile.
My mom is worried again. I don't like doing this to her. I either barely sleep or do nothing but sleep. Some weeks I average 4 hours a night and the next I'm closer to 10-12 a night. Sometimes I only make an effort to get out of bed so that I'm not still sleeping when she gets home. Which is why I don't live alone anymore. It's easier to be productive when you are trying to fool someone into thinking you are okay. I'm also not eating. I tried getting my mom on the kick of drinking a protein/meal replacement shake instead of not eating in the morning. I think I drink more of them than she does. Maybe I won't get sick again if I at least consume something. Got to be better than nothing? I'm just not hungry much anymore, not that I really was that much before. I have always had problems with my body and brain sending signals. Oh the joys of having Sitko DNA. Got to be screwed up somewhere. But hey at least I still have my hair.
My mom wants to know what happened. I let slip today that we aren't Facebook friends anymore. She wanted to know why. I had to tell her that I couldn't be friends with him while he is still talking to her. I couldn't watch her respond to his posts and know that he is still talking to her. The girl he spent his birthday with. The girl he would tell things that I didn't know about. Some of it stupid things, but still things I would have wanted to know about. The girl that tried to push me away from him the second he walked out the door. The girl that tried to get in the middle of what we were doing. The one that told me he had given up sex. SHE told me. Not him. I just thought he wasn't interested anymore or was fucking someone else and was afraid to push him. Afraid to lose him. He was talking to her and not me. So even though he says that they are only friends, and I believe that, she is still more important to him that I will ever be. He let her in and kept me at arms distance. I hate her. I wish I didn't, but I just want to grab her by her over the top colored hair that she didn't get out of her system in her teens and tell her to stay the fuck away from him. But that would only upset her and send her crying to him. And he would probably take her in and leave me. But whatever, he already doesn't like me. What an idiot I was. I should have just given back his number that day at Panda Express. If I had know about Nicole. Or Radeane. Or about him stringing me along changing his mind all the time. If I had known even just one of those I probably would have. I just wish it hadn't been for nothing. I do love him. More than I could have ever imagined. I wanted the life that we briefly talked about trying to have together. I think that's why this hurts so much. I'm not just losing him. I'm losing that future. That happiness. That chance. But then I remember that if he even loved me at any point he would have never done these things. He wouldn't be letting me go. He would want to talk to me. He would never have hurt me this way. He would have wanted to give us a chance. I could get past Nicole, I already have to an extent. Radeane? Well, I'm still working on that one. But that's only cause she's still in the picture. But the Lying to me about wanting me and loving me. Then telling me that he can't date anyone after he convinced me to come spend the night with him. That hurts. That is what keeps me up at night. That is what makes me cry. Why would you tell me that if you were only going to then break my heart? Why would you destroy someone like that? Why would you give me hope? Hope is what always kills me. Hope is the worst thing you can give someone when you know that there isn't any. Hope is what broke me. What shattered what was left of my heart.
I think that part of the problem is that I'm overly emotional today. I watched the church service that his church did this past Sunday. It makes me wish I lived closer. I really enjoy the message and the environment that they have there. I think I would have loved being a part of it had things worked out. I could see myself putting in the effort and being active in that group. Giving my time to help make the world a better place. Even if just a little bit at a time. :( But anyway. The service was all about kids and what they are doing at their church for children. I thought that it was great that they would promote and talk about it at regular service, but I didn't expect it to hit home with me. Toward the end, Ted Bryant talks about how they have be prepared for the future and the message the world is giving to it's children. That it has to help them find their worth in a society that has them constantly questioning it. That hit home. Everyone in my life has made me feel worthless more than once. Like I was a waste. Even my own mother. She probably doesn't know this. Twice in my life she has brought strange men into our home to live with us. Both times there was never a get to know the guy period. I wouldn't even know he existed till the day he was moving in. The one time he moved in while I was at my dad's and I found out weeks later when I came home. Each time she would slowly put him before me. Sometimes that was okay, but it hurt when she would do it on things that really mattered. The worst was that both men were terrible to her. I saw it both times, but she was too blinded by the guy paying her attention. She apologized afterward both times. But it still hurt to know that I could be pushed to the side because of some loser I had never met before. My dad sometimes stops talking to me. Just doesn't have any contact with me. He is the only person that truly knows what I am going through, since he did it when he was my age. He knows I'm hurting, but he stays away. Even though he knows that I need people in my life and it is hard for me to relate to other people. Hard for me to let people in. He knows I have no one, but still stays away. The rest of the people in my life come and go as they please. I'm the person they'll stop and talk to if they see me, but won't go out of their way for. Even if I'm one of the first people to drop everything and be their for them. I'm there when I'm needed or I'm the only one, otherwise, I'm just not important. I don't know why it has always been this way for me. I've always been the person to go out of my way to make something work, but when I need or want something, then no one is there. Or everyone is too busy. It's probably why I don't even ask anymore. I don't ask any to do anything because I know they don't want to. I know they have other things they would rather be doing. It's why I'm going to die alone. It's why I won't let anyone in. It's why I was born to be by myself. I was not made to be loved. I was not made to mean anything to anyone. I was not meant to feel special. Or loved. Or wanted. I was born to be sad and alone. Maybe it's because I don't feel I have any worth that made me wish I could be a part of what they are doing. Maybe it's because I don't want anyone growing up to feel the way that I do.
My mom is worried again. I don't like doing this to her. I either barely sleep or do nothing but sleep. Some weeks I average 4 hours a night and the next I'm closer to 10-12 a night. Sometimes I only make an effort to get out of bed so that I'm not still sleeping when she gets home. Which is why I don't live alone anymore. It's easier to be productive when you are trying to fool someone into thinking you are okay. I'm also not eating. I tried getting my mom on the kick of drinking a protein/meal replacement shake instead of not eating in the morning. I think I drink more of them than she does. Maybe I won't get sick again if I at least consume something. Got to be better than nothing? I'm just not hungry much anymore, not that I really was that much before. I have always had problems with my body and brain sending signals. Oh the joys of having Sitko DNA. Got to be screwed up somewhere. But hey at least I still have my hair.
My mom wants to know what happened. I let slip today that we aren't Facebook friends anymore. She wanted to know why. I had to tell her that I couldn't be friends with him while he is still talking to her. I couldn't watch her respond to his posts and know that he is still talking to her. The girl he spent his birthday with. The girl he would tell things that I didn't know about. Some of it stupid things, but still things I would have wanted to know about. The girl that tried to push me away from him the second he walked out the door. The girl that tried to get in the middle of what we were doing. The one that told me he had given up sex. SHE told me. Not him. I just thought he wasn't interested anymore or was fucking someone else and was afraid to push him. Afraid to lose him. He was talking to her and not me. So even though he says that they are only friends, and I believe that, she is still more important to him that I will ever be. He let her in and kept me at arms distance. I hate her. I wish I didn't, but I just want to grab her by her over the top colored hair that she didn't get out of her system in her teens and tell her to stay the fuck away from him. But that would only upset her and send her crying to him. And he would probably take her in and leave me. But whatever, he already doesn't like me. What an idiot I was. I should have just given back his number that day at Panda Express. If I had know about Nicole. Or Radeane. Or about him stringing me along changing his mind all the time. If I had known even just one of those I probably would have. I just wish it hadn't been for nothing. I do love him. More than I could have ever imagined. I wanted the life that we briefly talked about trying to have together. I think that's why this hurts so much. I'm not just losing him. I'm losing that future. That happiness. That chance. But then I remember that if he even loved me at any point he would have never done these things. He wouldn't be letting me go. He would want to talk to me. He would never have hurt me this way. He would have wanted to give us a chance. I could get past Nicole, I already have to an extent. Radeane? Well, I'm still working on that one. But that's only cause she's still in the picture. But the Lying to me about wanting me and loving me. Then telling me that he can't date anyone after he convinced me to come spend the night with him. That hurts. That is what keeps me up at night. That is what makes me cry. Why would you tell me that if you were only going to then break my heart? Why would you destroy someone like that? Why would you give me hope? Hope is what always kills me. Hope is the worst thing you can give someone when you know that there isn't any. Hope is what broke me. What shattered what was left of my heart.
I think that part of the problem is that I'm overly emotional today. I watched the church service that his church did this past Sunday. It makes me wish I lived closer. I really enjoy the message and the environment that they have there. I think I would have loved being a part of it had things worked out. I could see myself putting in the effort and being active in that group. Giving my time to help make the world a better place. Even if just a little bit at a time. :( But anyway. The service was all about kids and what they are doing at their church for children. I thought that it was great that they would promote and talk about it at regular service, but I didn't expect it to hit home with me. Toward the end, Ted Bryant talks about how they have be prepared for the future and the message the world is giving to it's children. That it has to help them find their worth in a society that has them constantly questioning it. That hit home. Everyone in my life has made me feel worthless more than once. Like I was a waste. Even my own mother. She probably doesn't know this. Twice in my life she has brought strange men into our home to live with us. Both times there was never a get to know the guy period. I wouldn't even know he existed till the day he was moving in. The one time he moved in while I was at my dad's and I found out weeks later when I came home. Each time she would slowly put him before me. Sometimes that was okay, but it hurt when she would do it on things that really mattered. The worst was that both men were terrible to her. I saw it both times, but she was too blinded by the guy paying her attention. She apologized afterward both times. But it still hurt to know that I could be pushed to the side because of some loser I had never met before. My dad sometimes stops talking to me. Just doesn't have any contact with me. He is the only person that truly knows what I am going through, since he did it when he was my age. He knows I'm hurting, but he stays away. Even though he knows that I need people in my life and it is hard for me to relate to other people. Hard for me to let people in. He knows I have no one, but still stays away. The rest of the people in my life come and go as they please. I'm the person they'll stop and talk to if they see me, but won't go out of their way for. Even if I'm one of the first people to drop everything and be their for them. I'm there when I'm needed or I'm the only one, otherwise, I'm just not important. I don't know why it has always been this way for me. I've always been the person to go out of my way to make something work, but when I need or want something, then no one is there. Or everyone is too busy. It's probably why I don't even ask anymore. I don't ask any to do anything because I know they don't want to. I know they have other things they would rather be doing. It's why I'm going to die alone. It's why I won't let anyone in. It's why I was born to be by myself. I was not made to be loved. I was not made to mean anything to anyone. I was not meant to feel special. Or loved. Or wanted. I was born to be sad and alone. Maybe it's because I don't feel I have any worth that made me wish I could be a part of what they are doing. Maybe it's because I don't want anyone growing up to feel the way that I do.