According to Me..... Not you
Well quite a bit happened on my day off.
Some good some bad.
I am emotionally drained and so exhausted of a lot of bullshit that just keeps reappearing.
The whole David situation causes me more grief than I think Nick realizes.
I am so unhappy in that respect.
He is rude, disrespectful, tries too hard, and last week I had my girls over for a girls night and he totally like attacked Amy. Amy mentioned something about Shane and then he just picked and picked and made her feel bad about something that he had no right to make her feel bad about. He's a prick that has hurt my feelings made me uncomfortable and now started doing the same to my best friend. It took everything I had to bite my tongue. "He's drunk," I told myself but that is still no excuse.
I feel like my revived relationship with my brother is being killed by this stupid lazy obnoxious wannabe who is not capable of true appreciation gratitude or humbleness. It hurts. To say the least. I feel isolated and wonder sometimes why I chose to put myself in this situation. But this is growing up I tell myself. I moved out and up and I have to deal with the consequences good or bad.
Wade is the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes for me. Today most definitely. He is my match in almost every way. I haven't seen him in the longest time but we shall see each other soon. My heart and my body are craving it like no other. He made his status on myspace: I love her. and changed his song to She Drives Me Crazy :o) He is a metal rooster and I am an earth dragon but we compliment each other so well. He lets me be. He gives me freedom that I suppose to most "normal" people makes us not capable of a "real" relationship. But I know how I feel. I know how he feels. And I know that we have something that nobody could ever even come close to. They dont even register on the radar. Its a depth. Its a common appreciation for something that is beyond the physical or fairy tale. It is reality.....exactly how I want it. I may want more. I may honestly always be left wanting more but I would much rather want more of a good thing, than less of a bad thing. I am nearly blissfully happy with this man. More so than ever before. Ever. That basically sums it up. :o)
I really want to leave the past in the past. I am such a different person now. And I will never return to my previous form of a broken hurt crumpled mess of a teenage girl who believed when anybody told her they loved her. Aint that girl no more. And don't want to be. I want to move on. I have moved on. And I am blissfully happy. Maybe a certain somebody should do the same. I do not need your permission or your thoughts or feelings or opinions on anything that I do in my life. It was rude of you to think I needed your approval. I did not. Honestly I did not care if you were "cool with it" or if it didn't bother you. I do not harbor any bad feelings toward you. I do wish you happiness sure. I treasure some memories I had with you. I accredit you a part in the successful independent strong woman that I have become. I would smile to myself if I hear of you doing well for yourself in the future. But. BUT!
You and me are totally different people than we once were. You do not know me. I do not know you. Not any longer. It is superficial, to me, to pretend like we are friends and its all good. Cuz we are not. And between you and me there is nothing good. Nothing bad. Just simply nothing. And I like it that way. You no longer have any control. Not concerning me at least. And maybe it surprises you, maybe it doesn't, but I am not one who would allow herself to be controlled anymore. I have the power. I took it back. I do not look to another to fix me, or to take care of me, or to tell me how to live my life, I think for myself and do all those things myself. I learned a lot from my experience with you. But I desperately want to leave it at that. I do not want to hear how you feel. If you are reading this, part of me hopes you are not, but if you are. You could do me a solid and keep your comments to yourself. If you must state them they will not effect me one way or the other. But, I honestly don't care what you have to say anymore. No offense meant. And if you never read this none risked. We have some good memories and good things that came from what we shared. We loved, we lost, its over. Let's leave it at that.
My mother is going into surgery tomorrow and I really hope that she comes out ok. I think about how much my mother has wanted to take me to church recently and it has still yet to happen. I feel guilty. I should find more time for my mother. I have a long list of shoulds. Hopefully I shall get started on some soon. That has been my New Year's Resolution. Follow thru on my should list more. And I think I am trying. Which is a good start.
Some good some bad.
I am emotionally drained and so exhausted of a lot of bullshit that just keeps reappearing.
The whole David situation causes me more grief than I think Nick realizes.
I am so unhappy in that respect.
He is rude, disrespectful, tries too hard, and last week I had my girls over for a girls night and he totally like attacked Amy. Amy mentioned something about Shane and then he just picked and picked and made her feel bad about something that he had no right to make her feel bad about. He's a prick that has hurt my feelings made me uncomfortable and now started doing the same to my best friend. It took everything I had to bite my tongue. "He's drunk," I told myself but that is still no excuse.
I feel like my revived relationship with my brother is being killed by this stupid lazy obnoxious wannabe who is not capable of true appreciation gratitude or humbleness. It hurts. To say the least. I feel isolated and wonder sometimes why I chose to put myself in this situation. But this is growing up I tell myself. I moved out and up and I have to deal with the consequences good or bad.
Wade is the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes for me. Today most definitely. He is my match in almost every way. I haven't seen him in the longest time but we shall see each other soon. My heart and my body are craving it like no other. He made his status on myspace: I love her. and changed his song to She Drives Me Crazy :o) He is a metal rooster and I am an earth dragon but we compliment each other so well. He lets me be. He gives me freedom that I suppose to most "normal" people makes us not capable of a "real" relationship. But I know how I feel. I know how he feels. And I know that we have something that nobody could ever even come close to. They dont even register on the radar. Its a depth. Its a common appreciation for something that is beyond the physical or fairy tale. It is reality.....exactly how I want it. I may want more. I may honestly always be left wanting more but I would much rather want more of a good thing, than less of a bad thing. I am nearly blissfully happy with this man. More so than ever before. Ever. That basically sums it up. :o)
I really want to leave the past in the past. I am such a different person now. And I will never return to my previous form of a broken hurt crumpled mess of a teenage girl who believed when anybody told her they loved her. Aint that girl no more. And don't want to be. I want to move on. I have moved on. And I am blissfully happy. Maybe a certain somebody should do the same. I do not need your permission or your thoughts or feelings or opinions on anything that I do in my life. It was rude of you to think I needed your approval. I did not. Honestly I did not care if you were "cool with it" or if it didn't bother you. I do not harbor any bad feelings toward you. I do wish you happiness sure. I treasure some memories I had with you. I accredit you a part in the successful independent strong woman that I have become. I would smile to myself if I hear of you doing well for yourself in the future. But. BUT!
You and me are totally different people than we once were. You do not know me. I do not know you. Not any longer. It is superficial, to me, to pretend like we are friends and its all good. Cuz we are not. And between you and me there is nothing good. Nothing bad. Just simply nothing. And I like it that way. You no longer have any control. Not concerning me at least. And maybe it surprises you, maybe it doesn't, but I am not one who would allow herself to be controlled anymore. I have the power. I took it back. I do not look to another to fix me, or to take care of me, or to tell me how to live my life, I think for myself and do all those things myself. I learned a lot from my experience with you. But I desperately want to leave it at that. I do not want to hear how you feel. If you are reading this, part of me hopes you are not, but if you are. You could do me a solid and keep your comments to yourself. If you must state them they will not effect me one way or the other. But, I honestly don't care what you have to say anymore. No offense meant. And if you never read this none risked. We have some good memories and good things that came from what we shared. We loved, we lost, its over. Let's leave it at that.
My mother is going into surgery tomorrow and I really hope that she comes out ok. I think about how much my mother has wanted to take me to church recently and it has still yet to happen. I feel guilty. I should find more time for my mother. I have a long list of shoulds. Hopefully I shall get started on some soon. That has been my New Year's Resolution. Follow thru on my should list more. And I think I am trying. Which is a good start.