The Abyss is staring, for I have gazed too long into it.
Meh, going into yet another pit. Sucks as usual.
'There is nothing to fear, but fear itself.'
I think that's one of the more true statements out there. I know I fear 3 things, one of which is my anxious reactions to the other 2. That has to be the worst feeling in existance - fear. Especially when you also know that you shouldn't be afraid of it. It's ... disheartening to say the least. Stupid irrational phobias.
One little mental block stopping everything I want and probably need to do. It's a prison of the mind and one that I can see, but can do nothing about. I hate it. I hate my existance with it, but it's been with me my entire existance - it basically defines 'me'. I'm almost afraid of who I'd become without it; I can't stand who I am with it. Existential frustration. I just want it to end, somehow, someway.
In other news :
Serial Experiments: Lain - Quite awesome, quite trippy. Nice animation, nice, if disjoined, story.
Ranma 1/2 - Possibly one of the most amusing things I've seen in a while and, IMO at least, anime > manga. Rare indeed.
EVE Online - Utterly beautiful, inventive time and moneysink. Very nice. Steep learning curve, not as many POS players *cough*WoW*cough*, and custom equipt ships ... mmmm. Reminds me of Freespace 2 and Freelancer. Good stuff. Oh and addictive as hell - mind you I am immune to WoW.
Yeah. Otherwise, working 1 year at McCrudonald's - one 15 cent raise and like hell a promotion - though that's partly my fault - stupid phobia preventing me to do 'customer service' aka everything but make food and bring in the supplies from the semi when they come.
But, coworkers are cool so it makes no sense to get another job - the 30 min commute one way does suck though.
I almost hate having no ambition, no drive to improve myself. I just feel I'm not worth the effort. The shell is decent, the ghost is all kinds of fucked up. *sigh* Tis almost funny, still haven't had a drink since my bday - no drive. =\. Ph34r the apathy, or I'll ... I'll ... sit here ...
Remembering a college course I didn't take. Was the first day of Behavioral Pyschology or something like that - the 'easy' pysch class. Teacher goes like - 'Your first assignment is to list your traits - what your good at, what your bad at, what you need to improve - oh then you share with the class, next class' . So I go home and sit down to do it - for 6 hours I couldn't think of 1 good trait for myself and nearly filled the page with the others. The prospect of going to class only to announce that I couldn't think of anything I was good at - that wasn't loser crap - was just so overwhelming I canceled the class the next day.
To that day my 'rents conplain why I couldn't do a full unit loaded semester - I almost want to scream at them 'because I'm a fucking loser'.
I really hate this shit. I hear cabon monoxide is a decent way to solve the problem. It's like I have 2 minds - the main one that is in control and another; however, unfucked up one. The other one sees all this and wants to beat the crap out of the first one - too bad they're in one body.
This installment of agnst has been brought to you by .... the letter C, the number 6 and the Cynic Society of America.
'There is nothing to fear, but fear itself.'
I think that's one of the more true statements out there. I know I fear 3 things, one of which is my anxious reactions to the other 2. That has to be the worst feeling in existance - fear. Especially when you also know that you shouldn't be afraid of it. It's ... disheartening to say the least. Stupid irrational phobias.
One little mental block stopping everything I want and probably need to do. It's a prison of the mind and one that I can see, but can do nothing about. I hate it. I hate my existance with it, but it's been with me my entire existance - it basically defines 'me'. I'm almost afraid of who I'd become without it; I can't stand who I am with it. Existential frustration. I just want it to end, somehow, someway.
In other news :
Serial Experiments: Lain - Quite awesome, quite trippy. Nice animation, nice, if disjoined, story.
Ranma 1/2 - Possibly one of the most amusing things I've seen in a while and, IMO at least, anime > manga. Rare indeed.
EVE Online - Utterly beautiful, inventive time and moneysink. Very nice. Steep learning curve, not as many POS players *cough*WoW*cough*, and custom equipt ships ... mmmm. Reminds me of Freespace 2 and Freelancer. Good stuff. Oh and addictive as hell - mind you I am immune to WoW.
Yeah. Otherwise, working 1 year at McCrudonald's - one 15 cent raise and like hell a promotion - though that's partly my fault - stupid phobia preventing me to do 'customer service' aka everything but make food and bring in the supplies from the semi when they come.
But, coworkers are cool so it makes no sense to get another job - the 30 min commute one way does suck though.
I almost hate having no ambition, no drive to improve myself. I just feel I'm not worth the effort. The shell is decent, the ghost is all kinds of fucked up. *sigh* Tis almost funny, still haven't had a drink since my bday - no drive. =\. Ph34r the apathy, or I'll ... I'll ... sit here ...
Remembering a college course I didn't take. Was the first day of Behavioral Pyschology or something like that - the 'easy' pysch class. Teacher goes like - 'Your first assignment is to list your traits - what your good at, what your bad at, what you need to improve - oh then you share with the class, next class' . So I go home and sit down to do it - for 6 hours I couldn't think of 1 good trait for myself and nearly filled the page with the others. The prospect of going to class only to announce that I couldn't think of anything I was good at - that wasn't loser crap - was just so overwhelming I canceled the class the next day.
To that day my 'rents conplain why I couldn't do a full unit loaded semester - I almost want to scream at them 'because I'm a fucking loser'.
I really hate this shit. I hear cabon monoxide is a decent way to solve the problem. It's like I have 2 minds - the main one that is in control and another; however, unfucked up one. The other one sees all this and wants to beat the crap out of the first one - too bad they're in one body.
This installment of agnst has been brought to you by .... the letter C, the number 6 and the Cynic Society of America.