“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" (Jer. 17:9)
What have I done?
I thought that it was right. I mean, I've always been plagued by the feeling that we just shouldn't be together, so I thought that even though things were good, they were bad, and I focused on the negatives even when I tried really hard not to, and breaking up just seemed Right... even though we kept resisting and putting it off and trying or not trying but staying.
But now it's happened, and it's real, and it's hard.
I'm scared. I don't know what to do, and I feel like a fool. After a long period of time of feeling 'meh' and then feeling better and then feeling 'meh' again, it's over, and I have been consistently adoring every little thing about him since yesterday morning, when I knew we were going to break up last night. We didn't even break up, we dissolved. Oh God Oh God Oh God What Has Been Done?
I need him. I don't want to need him, I don't want to need anybody, I want to have myself and be confident and independent and motivated all by myself and then just have people around who make my life extra-pleasant. But I need him, I do. Everything good about me was recognized because of him, everything bad about me came out when he wasn't around to save me from it, oh god what am I going to do? I am going to crash and burn and be miserable and it will all be all my fault.
And Goddamnit he was happy with me. For whatever crazy reason or nonreason, he loved me and was happy with me and said nice things to me and I Made Him Smile sometimes and it wasn't fair at all and I never saw it make any sense and that bothered me but oh why did I question it so much instead of just being eternally grateful more often? ohh GOD I am so lost and it's been 24 hours since I've seen him, 20ish hours since we ended..
I thought that it was right. I mean, I've always been plagued by the feeling that we just shouldn't be together, so I thought that even though things were good, they were bad, and I focused on the negatives even when I tried really hard not to, and breaking up just seemed Right... even though we kept resisting and putting it off and trying or not trying but staying.
But now it's happened, and it's real, and it's hard.
I'm scared. I don't know what to do, and I feel like a fool. After a long period of time of feeling 'meh' and then feeling better and then feeling 'meh' again, it's over, and I have been consistently adoring every little thing about him since yesterday morning, when I knew we were going to break up last night. We didn't even break up, we dissolved. Oh God Oh God Oh God What Has Been Done?
I need him. I don't want to need him, I don't want to need anybody, I want to have myself and be confident and independent and motivated all by myself and then just have people around who make my life extra-pleasant. But I need him, I do. Everything good about me was recognized because of him, everything bad about me came out when he wasn't around to save me from it, oh god what am I going to do? I am going to crash and burn and be miserable and it will all be all my fault.
And Goddamnit he was happy with me. For whatever crazy reason or nonreason, he loved me and was happy with me and said nice things to me and I Made Him Smile sometimes and it wasn't fair at all and I never saw it make any sense and that bothered me but oh why did I question it so much instead of just being eternally grateful more often? ohh GOD I am so lost and it's been 24 hours since I've seen him, 20ish hours since we ended..