(no subject)
i cant believe that my life has actually gotten worse... i didnt think it could but obviously... im actually crying right now and its all my fault... everything's my fault... and i mean everything... i mean i dont know how i could fuck up as much as i do but obviously i can and i have and i've made everyone's life worse that i've ever met and i cant even fix it... i cant fix anything... all i seem to b able to do is break everything that is now working... i break my computer, i break my car, i lose my license, i make "the one for me" hate me like she gets paid for it, im failing school, im gonna get fired from my job, im gonna b broke again, i almost already am broke, my parents are pissed off at me, my friends barely talk to me (and i only have about 5 that i really talk to), i've succeded in making the most amazing girl fall in love with me and then hate me more than anyone else in the world in a matter of 10 months i mean seriously what am i good for?... if you said nothing then you'd b absolutely correct... im gonna b 18 in 14 days and in 19 days its x-mas... u know what else is in 19 days? absofuckinglutely nothing and i have a feeling that thats the way its going to stay... for those of you who dont know it was supposed to b OUR 11 month... and now that day means absolutely nothing at all... i mean yea its christmas but whats christmas if you cant spend it with your true love... or anyone other than your mom dad and aunt... yea sure "thats more than a lot of ppl have" but w/e... that shit doesnt matter... as for x-mas i've spent it with at least one less person every year... people have died, people have found more important ppl to spend the day with, and who can blame them? i mean if you could choose between me and fucking saddam houssein to spend x-mas with i could guarantee you that you wouldnt spend it with me... and dont give me any of that bull shit "of course id spend it with you" because you know you wouldnt... ud spend it with people that mean more to you than i ever will... basically i have no reason to have anyone care about me and i cant believe that im even writing this because honestly who's going to read it? ashley? wow one person whoopdy fucking doo... i mean i dont have "whitty lines", i dont know how to have fun, my room smells like shit, i dont shave more than once a month, im a delinquent, im stupid, im lazy, im boring, im annoying, people hate spending time with me... why should i honestly stay alive? i mean seriously... what reason could i possibly have to keep using up perfectly good oxygen that someone like steven hawking or ghandi could use? what right do i have to use the oxygen of an amazing person? and i dont mean ghandi on this one... i mean someone like kelsey or brodie or sarah who are actually GOOD FRIENDS... i mean when have i ever been a good friend to anyone in the past 11 months? i've turned my back on old friends, i've made people hate me and i mean really LITERALLY hate me... i used to think that i was a "great guy" b/c i never acted like the other guys to my friends but i've realized that i AM that guy... and i honestly deserve to die for it... i mean seriously... someone please kill me b/c i dont deserve to live... just let me die... im fat, ugly, stupid, and an all around waste of a human being... so just kill me now and stop the detrement to society that i am...