(no subject)
I feel like I'm having that scheduled existential crisis that people who have just graduated from college and are heading out into the "real world" are supposed to have. Except I haven't graduated from college.
I'm come to realize in the past few months that, while I haven't been unhappy, I'm a very confused, lonely, overly-introspective person right now. There are very few things that I'm sure of, and the things that I am sure of don't really matter in any productive way.
I have no money. I spent my last $20 (which wasn't even mine, as it was the last $20 on my credit card) on food yesterday and I've been eating only once a day in an effort to make the food I bought last as long as possible. I am also hoping that my roommate's deadbeat boyfriend doesn't eat all my food.
I'm supposed to go out for coffee with someone today, and it will be really uncomfortable because they will ask, "Aren't you going to get anything?" and I will have to answer "No." And if they ask why I will have to say, "Because the only money I have is the loose change rattling around in the bottom of my purse."
I only have a quarter tank of gas left and I am hoping that it will be enough to get me to and from class for my first week of school, for which I was not able to afford 3/5 of my books. I'll have more money on the 25th, so I'm not going to starve, but right now things are very, very lean. I have had no success finding a job, despite filling out a lot of applications.
Speaking of college, I may have to drop out if my dad isn't approved for one of my loans. I have one for $5,000 in my name, which will get me through this term, but the $9,000 left for the next two terms doesn't really exist right now.
I've been trying to come to terms with my place in the world, which is not really that hard to do and not as depressing as it might sound. There are 6,697,254,041 people on the planet. According to statistics on America, I am taller than average. I'm more intelligent than average. I've got lower body fat than average. But that really doesn't make me an exceptional person at all. I can't think of one thing that I can do better than anyone I know.
I spent my entire childhood trying to convince myself that, while nobody else seemed to see it, I was exceptional and would lead an exceptional life. Now I'm just trying to be happy with the fact that as a whole, I'm completely ordinary and will probably never accomplish anything amazing.
I think I think too much, and I carry around too much unneeded guilt. I feel guilty all the time about things that I have no control over, and I care far too much about making other people happy. I need to start worrying less about being the person that everyone wants and expects me to be, and instead focus on doing what makes me happy, even if I don't know what that is yet.
I need to learn to be less concerned with whether other people love me, and learn to love and take care of myself a little bit better. Maybe then it won't matter as much.
I don't really know what the point of this was supposed to be. I just had a lot of thoughts rumbling around in my head, and usually the most effective way of making them stop is by getting them out on paper or in this blog. That probably explains all of the melodramatic and pointless posts I make. I feel very passionately about things in the moment, then look back on them later and wonder what all the fuss was about, and usually feel a bit ashamed for making such a big deal of things.
I'm done now. I think I'm going to go try and sleep for a few hours.
I'm come to realize in the past few months that, while I haven't been unhappy, I'm a very confused, lonely, overly-introspective person right now. There are very few things that I'm sure of, and the things that I am sure of don't really matter in any productive way.
I have no money. I spent my last $20 (which wasn't even mine, as it was the last $20 on my credit card) on food yesterday and I've been eating only once a day in an effort to make the food I bought last as long as possible. I am also hoping that my roommate's deadbeat boyfriend doesn't eat all my food.
I'm supposed to go out for coffee with someone today, and it will be really uncomfortable because they will ask, "Aren't you going to get anything?" and I will have to answer "No." And if they ask why I will have to say, "Because the only money I have is the loose change rattling around in the bottom of my purse."
I only have a quarter tank of gas left and I am hoping that it will be enough to get me to and from class for my first week of school, for which I was not able to afford 3/5 of my books. I'll have more money on the 25th, so I'm not going to starve, but right now things are very, very lean. I have had no success finding a job, despite filling out a lot of applications.
Speaking of college, I may have to drop out if my dad isn't approved for one of my loans. I have one for $5,000 in my name, which will get me through this term, but the $9,000 left for the next two terms doesn't really exist right now.
I've been trying to come to terms with my place in the world, which is not really that hard to do and not as depressing as it might sound. There are 6,697,254,041 people on the planet. According to statistics on America, I am taller than average. I'm more intelligent than average. I've got lower body fat than average. But that really doesn't make me an exceptional person at all. I can't think of one thing that I can do better than anyone I know.
I spent my entire childhood trying to convince myself that, while nobody else seemed to see it, I was exceptional and would lead an exceptional life. Now I'm just trying to be happy with the fact that as a whole, I'm completely ordinary and will probably never accomplish anything amazing.
I think I think too much, and I carry around too much unneeded guilt. I feel guilty all the time about things that I have no control over, and I care far too much about making other people happy. I need to start worrying less about being the person that everyone wants and expects me to be, and instead focus on doing what makes me happy, even if I don't know what that is yet.
I need to learn to be less concerned with whether other people love me, and learn to love and take care of myself a little bit better. Maybe then it won't matter as much.
I don't really know what the point of this was supposed to be. I just had a lot of thoughts rumbling around in my head, and usually the most effective way of making them stop is by getting them out on paper or in this blog. That probably explains all of the melodramatic and pointless posts I make. I feel very passionately about things in the moment, then look back on them later and wonder what all the fuss was about, and usually feel a bit ashamed for making such a big deal of things.
I'm done now. I think I'm going to go try and sleep for a few hours.