(no subject)
It will almost always be a part of me. In the back of my mind there will always be the self doubt that anything that I do I am bound to eventually fail. That no matter what I do I will never reach the stars that my dreams reside on. I know what I want, I just can't find the path that will lead me there. I also don't want to leave the path I'm already on cause I'm happy with what I have, its just I'd like my dreams to be apart of it too. I do what I can, but it never seems enough. I'm an average student at best. I absolutely hate sitting in a class room listening to lectures, but on the other hand I do love to learn. I love the Art History courses I've taken. But I never am able to get the better grades because I have a hard time writting what I mean to say in the essay. Continued learning is an excellent thing. It keeps the mind from becomng idle. I just wish they'd offer these courses in a way that doesn't have me sitting for 3 hours. It hurts to sit for that long without getting up to walk. I love my job because it offers the opportunity to cross train, and move around, as well as flexibility with schedules. I want to travel. Europe, Asia, Austrailia, South America, The Caribbean. I want to own my own house. (this looks to be impossible now that the housing prices are expected to rise to $500k for a single family dwelling.) I wish that I could accomplish all that I want to do. But I'm limited by myself as well and the pressures placed on me by others. I wish my body wasn't as messed up as it is. I wish I could get everything I wanted to get done with my day done. Alsa I don't own a time machine. HOpefully the renovation in the house will give more room, where I can spend some time by myself and get work done without getting in the way of others or getting into verbal arguments. I realize there are a lot of I wants and if onlys. This is me ranting hoping that I can look back on this and accomplish this on my own. It is kind of like setting my own goals and hoping I'll find away to achieve them.
My mom mentioned looking for a house that I'd like.
(3 bedrooms, attached garage, at least 1.5 bathrooms, fireplace)
I guess I could go back and design one for myself. I keep looking seeing if I can find one that comes close that I could live with.
I think I'll dye my hair tonight or possible during the day tomorrow. Reorganize my sewing room so I can do the alterations to the wedding dress for the play I'm designer for. Then start on the skirt, just need to build it then dye it pink. Then track down grad gowns and caps, and the royal blue brides maid dresses. I have a busy weekend coming up. I am also in a great need for a back massage soon. My shoulders are seizing up and that affects my head. I want these headaches to stop. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE THEM STOP....without shooting me please. I've been going non stop since jr high. working summers, high school, working, college, working, college and working. I need a vacation that lasts a week, away from the city and my family and probably the vast majority of people. I need to go swimming more often, that always made me happy. Maybe I can do that intro to scuba course. Or just go to a decent wave pool and sit and relax. Except the ankle bitters and their creaming would annoy me to all ends.
I am still insecure
I am still self doubting of me
I am happy
I am confused
People aggravate me to all ends.
