Rollercoaster Ride.
been awhile since ive written in here. I dont know where to start. I dont know why im back to this. Maybe its because my head is ready to explode and even though ive been writing alot, i need to write more to get the flow going. Im at my lowest point, 2 things are effecting me one i cant mention as of yet , and the other ill write about. So guy and girl go out, there fine, girl wants to b with guy, guy has commitent issues. Guy dates. Girl Dates. Girl doesnt want anyone else. Guy realizes the same after a few months. Guy begins to mature, starts accomidating the idea of a long term relationship. Guy realizes its wat he wants. Girl changes mind. Girl dates guys , while guy is severly fuked. Guess i deserve wat was coming to me? I cant help my past mistakes, or the fact that alot of things that influenced it were just bad influences. I can see why she hates me so much, but why not see how much love there is now? Ive come along way to this, just to watch it fall. A man in his last moments of desperation, which includes the safety of his heart his soul, will do anything, to keep it intact. a man losing his heart, with the will to keep it, is a powerful thing. Even worse when a part of him is with someone else. Love is a powerful thing yes. When relationships happen , we play a dangerous game. We play with our core, the very thing that makes us want to keep living. If love isnt a reason for it i dont know wat else is. I did something today i never thought it my right goddamn mind i thought id do. Ive heard stories, about it. Never thought would happen to me. But was it right? Someone told me that when in love with someone, and they want to leave, to just do whatever it takes. This isnt justification for anything ive done, merely just an explanation. I dont know if anyone has felt like this before, but this is the fist time this has happened to me. You love a girl, she "used" love you back. You feel as though there was still a connection. You know you fought, even about the stupidest things, but somehow it would still turn out ok. Maybe its that "turn out ok" part that makes me think that through all the shit, when 2 people really love eachother they both no matter wat happens, want it to "turn out ok". Maybe its that feeling that doesnt make me wanna give up. I think ill save that for a later time. Back to this. How does anyone feel when, the person you love doesnt wanna talk to you again, for a reason you dont know, while knowing she's a half a block down make u feel? I had 2 options , 1)let it go and just move one, which would justify that i dont really love her at all. 2) sure as hell i go over there and try to reconcile, if its all lost, whats there to lose, right?
I make my way over there. Tried calling . No pick-up. I then say well then im coming into the building, with no intention of actually going to her room. I sit in the foyer trying to call. I cant give up on this, this means so much more than anything else right now. Then for the first time ever ( ive been there plenty of times ) i walk up to the window which ive never done. I rest my head on the glass, thinking its over and i should leave. Then all of a sudden shes walking outside by my window. I rush out, and shes already half-way down, shes a bloody speed walker. I run down , and try to match her pace. I tried askin her why she didnt want to talk to me anymore. She yelled at me to fuk off. I pleaded, please talk to me, i just want to know why you dont want to talk to me anymore and ill leave for good. "seroiusly get the fuck away from me" . I stopped chasing her. Now in any case, i have been dumped before, and i knew for a fact that person didnt care. With her its different, i feel like she still does. Thats the only reason why i didnt give up. And i dnt regret wat i did. That was my last act of desperation was simply , just trying to get closure. Some people might think im a pshyco. "You chased a girl you love?!?!? wtf ur a creep" if honestly i didnt think there was anything left, i wouldnt of done it. And i feel for all the guys that have done the samething, the guys who only fought for wat they felt was right. Which in my mind, makes the most sense fighting for. Call me what you want, but then honestly tell me to my face, that you wouldnt of done the same thing. That you would of gone back home, and stare at that wall and think to yourself, what if? I would of done the same for anyone i cared for.
I make my way over there. Tried calling . No pick-up. I then say well then im coming into the building, with no intention of actually going to her room. I sit in the foyer trying to call. I cant give up on this, this means so much more than anything else right now. Then for the first time ever ( ive been there plenty of times ) i walk up to the window which ive never done. I rest my head on the glass, thinking its over and i should leave. Then all of a sudden shes walking outside by my window. I rush out, and shes already half-way down, shes a bloody speed walker. I run down , and try to match her pace. I tried askin her why she didnt want to talk to me anymore. She yelled at me to fuk off. I pleaded, please talk to me, i just want to know why you dont want to talk to me anymore and ill leave for good. "seroiusly get the fuck away from me" . I stopped chasing her. Now in any case, i have been dumped before, and i knew for a fact that person didnt care. With her its different, i feel like she still does. Thats the only reason why i didnt give up. And i dnt regret wat i did. That was my last act of desperation was simply , just trying to get closure. Some people might think im a pshyco. "You chased a girl you love?!?!? wtf ur a creep" if honestly i didnt think there was anything left, i wouldnt of done it. And i feel for all the guys that have done the samething, the guys who only fought for wat they felt was right. Which in my mind, makes the most sense fighting for. Call me what you want, but then honestly tell me to my face, that you wouldnt of done the same thing. That you would of gone back home, and stare at that wall and think to yourself, what if? I would of done the same for anyone i cared for.