I can't sleep, I'm afraid
I'm afraid of that nightmare I had the other night, and I'm afraid of the dream I had last night. Last night was another of those dreams I wrote about in a previous post about a certain someone no longer in my life. The one that came pretty damn close to what I found out later. Now I am thinking that the one (maybe the one in that post) I had before this recent one was damn scary close to the truth I found out today. I don't even know why I went looking, to find an excuse to hurt myself I guess. But here is what's been in my head:
I remembered that dream just now and how much pain it brought me. Now I find out that yet again maybe you were coming to tell me something. I was wondering around an airport in that dream, I think I was frustrated and upset already but then my worst fear I guess... I saw you there. you were sitting in one of those chairs in the long rows, there was no one else around you though and you were sobbing. I was outside moving along the path that ran under the area where you were sitting. I watched you for a bit through the panels of glass and I didn't know what to do. I hated those panels of glass! It wasn't really the panels of glass though that separated us. it hurt me so much to see you sobbing like that, I could see it was one of those emotional things that seemed bottomless. I was having such a fight with myself because I knew I shouldn't be there, I knew I couldn't do anything...I didn't feel it was my place anymore. You were completely oblivious to me standing there just outside the window, I think I grew angry at that. I wanted to wave I think and couldn't. This was just the way it was going to be and I knew I had to just walk away and let you be. That's how you wanted it ...wasn't it? Then last night I had this dream you left me all these notes posted on a door, I think. They were on various colored sheets of paper, different sizes, different lettering. I remember I cried or at least felt like crying. I was so upset with you again. The notes talked about moving on. I think it was about you having a hard time with that. I think I was mad because before I read the notes I knew they were from you and wondered why you hadn't. I was thinking he has this whole other life now... I think one of the other notes was something about missing (me?) things. I couldn't read much more it hurt too much. I just wished it would stop.
I'm trying to remind myself that it's not about those who left, it's about those who've stayed and that's what's important. I'm just having a hard time with it. I'm wanting so badly to rewind time and I can't. I've been so sick of things happening like this. I'm so sick of doing this to myself.
I think this appointment went well and I'm gonna stick with it. Exploring a 'new' treatment option (new to me) and I am finding that I just wish I could jump into it and be 'cured'. I know that's not how it work and not how it's gonna work but I'm just so exhausted and in too much pain. I can't sleep because I'm afraid to dream again and because I'm restless for this whole thing to just end.
I remembered that dream just now and how much pain it brought me. Now I find out that yet again maybe you were coming to tell me something. I was wondering around an airport in that dream, I think I was frustrated and upset already but then my worst fear I guess... I saw you there. you were sitting in one of those chairs in the long rows, there was no one else around you though and you were sobbing. I was outside moving along the path that ran under the area where you were sitting. I watched you for a bit through the panels of glass and I didn't know what to do. I hated those panels of glass! It wasn't really the panels of glass though that separated us. it hurt me so much to see you sobbing like that, I could see it was one of those emotional things that seemed bottomless. I was having such a fight with myself because I knew I shouldn't be there, I knew I couldn't do anything...I didn't feel it was my place anymore. You were completely oblivious to me standing there just outside the window, I think I grew angry at that. I wanted to wave I think and couldn't. This was just the way it was going to be and I knew I had to just walk away and let you be. That's how you wanted it ...wasn't it? Then last night I had this dream you left me all these notes posted on a door, I think. They were on various colored sheets of paper, different sizes, different lettering. I remember I cried or at least felt like crying. I was so upset with you again. The notes talked about moving on. I think it was about you having a hard time with that. I think I was mad because before I read the notes I knew they were from you and wondered why you hadn't. I was thinking he has this whole other life now... I think one of the other notes was something about missing (me?) things. I couldn't read much more it hurt too much. I just wished it would stop.
I'm trying to remind myself that it's not about those who left, it's about those who've stayed and that's what's important. I'm just having a hard time with it. I'm wanting so badly to rewind time and I can't. I've been so sick of things happening like this. I'm so sick of doing this to myself.
I think this appointment went well and I'm gonna stick with it. Exploring a 'new' treatment option (new to me) and I am finding that I just wish I could jump into it and be 'cured'. I know that's not how it work and not how it's gonna work but I'm just so exhausted and in too much pain. I can't sleep because I'm afraid to dream again and because I'm restless for this whole thing to just end.