(no subject)
Can't sleep.
I find myself laying in bed for hours trying to, waiting. Kinda like christmas except tomorrow won't bring presents.
I find myself to be arrogant. I enjoy being important, true many if not all of us do. But I personally feel that mine is deeper rooted. My father wasn't around a lot as I grew up. I spent a lot of time with my mother. So I crave female attention and affection. In fact, i define myself by it. Without a significant other I feel worthless. If they are unhappy... same result. But at the same time (this is where I really think I'm screwed up) I want and need the knowledge that I'm important. Its not enough to simply be there for someone. I (arrogantly) think I cover that well with my friends. I am there for them at times, not nearly as often as I should be. But I like to listen and help with problems. Makes me feel good. Coming in second place, isn't good enough for me in many issues.
So here I am in a relationship. Not sure if its going anywhere. I care about her, immensely. And I want to be with her, as often as I can. Yet i keep finding myself drawn to that same conclusions.
I am not as mature as I would like to think I am, or as mature as I want to be. So its a strange toss up if these feelings are a form of immaturity or if there is a basis of reason behind them. Perhaps both.
When our relationship began we spent a great deal of time together. Living only a block away can do that. After she graduated that changed. She moved closer to her job and we began to drift. I can say that during this point I was the shit in the deal. I wasn't as mature as I should have been. She did come to visit me a lot.
Now things get rocky- and I have my doubts. But I am fearful of not seeing her again. Of not being in her gaze, or feeling her arms around me. So I asked her to marry me.
Come to present. She is living with her family, as its closer to her job, and I'm still in point. The same good awful dead end job that I didn't have to do much to get. Like so much else in my life. And I find myself thinking about this relationship.
While the ruling of me being an ass isn't taken off the table- i have to wonder.
Its no secret I get jealous of my friends when she's around. Her eyes light up. She smiles wider. And in the past few months she has come to town less and less often to see me. In fact- the reasoning for visits is to see my friends.
So I don;t feel important, or appreciated. Granted I haven't cured cancer so I probably don't deserve much recognition but hey this is my Live journal so I'm gonna go with the arrogance. When I hear she's going to do things with them, i get mad. Hell i get furious. And I'm not going to stop her from doing those things, goodness no, that's not the point. The point is that she doesn't seem to ever want to do things with me.
Perhaps I'm too old fashion. But I believe that in a relationship, both of you must continue to grown and learn. Make accommodations for the other one. Sometimes you have to give on your views to make them happy. But this should not be a burden, and it should not be given with the intent of getting back.
So I've been depressed lately. Months actually. I don't say things because I don't want people to give out of pity or because they feel "its the right thing to do". So I'm stuck in this perpetual cycle of my own stupidity- while being silent nothing changes, I don't inconvenience anyone and likewise nothing happens which in turn means I feel worthless and of no use so it pushes me farther down.
Lets compound this all with my father's death.
I'm still not over it. I miss him, every day. Sad songs come on the radio, or something that reminds me of him and I have to chock back tears. I believe that my father is not pleased with me. Lets face it I'm lazy- I've hardly worked for things in my life- I'm not putting forth enough effort to fix my relationship (if I was we wouldn't have any issues). There are a few others things, but those will remain my little secret. Lets go with- I'm a bad person who made mistakes.
so we add this together and ta-dah there I am. a passive aggressive adolescent who has separation issues with his family and friends. I thirst for attention and want to hear people say they love me but I don't want to ask for it. Nor do i want to get in other people's way for it even at my own expense. through it all I'm so starved to feel loved i cry myself to sleep most nights- only to find my dreams are full of scenes only reinforcing these ideas. Like a three year old I wake in the night afraid to open my eyes or get outta bed cause the bogyman might be there. my depression and the stress I put myself through (cause lets face no matter what I'm gonna think its my fault) has taken to my body. Beyond sleeping my neck, shoulders and back have been filling with knots. I'm tired all the time and grow to hate my life more and more.
so why say all this now?
/shrug
makes me feel slightly better to see it on the screen. And because i don't think my family reads my live journal. So they won;t be worrying about me.
i don't offer this post as an explanations of past wrongs I've done. or even as an excuse. Hell I don't offer this post to anyone. this is my expression- its my damn journal.
so what do I want?
i want to feel loved, i want someone to love me- because they want to and for no other reason. and I want to be told/shown that I matter to them.
I find myself laying in bed for hours trying to, waiting. Kinda like christmas except tomorrow won't bring presents.
I find myself to be arrogant. I enjoy being important, true many if not all of us do. But I personally feel that mine is deeper rooted. My father wasn't around a lot as I grew up. I spent a lot of time with my mother. So I crave female attention and affection. In fact, i define myself by it. Without a significant other I feel worthless. If they are unhappy... same result. But at the same time (this is where I really think I'm screwed up) I want and need the knowledge that I'm important. Its not enough to simply be there for someone. I (arrogantly) think I cover that well with my friends. I am there for them at times, not nearly as often as I should be. But I like to listen and help with problems. Makes me feel good. Coming in second place, isn't good enough for me in many issues.
So here I am in a relationship. Not sure if its going anywhere. I care about her, immensely. And I want to be with her, as often as I can. Yet i keep finding myself drawn to that same conclusions.
I am not as mature as I would like to think I am, or as mature as I want to be. So its a strange toss up if these feelings are a form of immaturity or if there is a basis of reason behind them. Perhaps both.
When our relationship began we spent a great deal of time together. Living only a block away can do that. After she graduated that changed. She moved closer to her job and we began to drift. I can say that during this point I was the shit in the deal. I wasn't as mature as I should have been. She did come to visit me a lot.
Now things get rocky- and I have my doubts. But I am fearful of not seeing her again. Of not being in her gaze, or feeling her arms around me. So I asked her to marry me.
Come to present. She is living with her family, as its closer to her job, and I'm still in point. The same good awful dead end job that I didn't have to do much to get. Like so much else in my life. And I find myself thinking about this relationship.
While the ruling of me being an ass isn't taken off the table- i have to wonder.
Its no secret I get jealous of my friends when she's around. Her eyes light up. She smiles wider. And in the past few months she has come to town less and less often to see me. In fact- the reasoning for visits is to see my friends.
So I don;t feel important, or appreciated. Granted I haven't cured cancer so I probably don't deserve much recognition but hey this is my Live journal so I'm gonna go with the arrogance. When I hear she's going to do things with them, i get mad. Hell i get furious. And I'm not going to stop her from doing those things, goodness no, that's not the point. The point is that she doesn't seem to ever want to do things with me.
Perhaps I'm too old fashion. But I believe that in a relationship, both of you must continue to grown and learn. Make accommodations for the other one. Sometimes you have to give on your views to make them happy. But this should not be a burden, and it should not be given with the intent of getting back.
So I've been depressed lately. Months actually. I don't say things because I don't want people to give out of pity or because they feel "its the right thing to do". So I'm stuck in this perpetual cycle of my own stupidity- while being silent nothing changes, I don't inconvenience anyone and likewise nothing happens which in turn means I feel worthless and of no use so it pushes me farther down.
Lets compound this all with my father's death.
I'm still not over it. I miss him, every day. Sad songs come on the radio, or something that reminds me of him and I have to chock back tears. I believe that my father is not pleased with me. Lets face it I'm lazy- I've hardly worked for things in my life- I'm not putting forth enough effort to fix my relationship (if I was we wouldn't have any issues). There are a few others things, but those will remain my little secret. Lets go with- I'm a bad person who made mistakes.
so we add this together and ta-dah there I am. a passive aggressive adolescent who has separation issues with his family and friends. I thirst for attention and want to hear people say they love me but I don't want to ask for it. Nor do i want to get in other people's way for it even at my own expense. through it all I'm so starved to feel loved i cry myself to sleep most nights- only to find my dreams are full of scenes only reinforcing these ideas. Like a three year old I wake in the night afraid to open my eyes or get outta bed cause the bogyman might be there. my depression and the stress I put myself through (cause lets face no matter what I'm gonna think its my fault) has taken to my body. Beyond sleeping my neck, shoulders and back have been filling with knots. I'm tired all the time and grow to hate my life more and more.
so why say all this now?
/shrug
makes me feel slightly better to see it on the screen. And because i don't think my family reads my live journal. So they won;t be worrying about me.
i don't offer this post as an explanations of past wrongs I've done. or even as an excuse. Hell I don't offer this post to anyone. this is my expression- its my damn journal.
so what do I want?
i want to feel loved, i want someone to love me- because they want to and for no other reason. and I want to be told/shown that I matter to them.