madness
Sometimes I feel completely mad and it's driving me crazy. Not mad angry-mad, but 'mad' sounded quite nasally, with an affected accent, you know... Off the rocker but not completely batshit crazy? A bit of an-(that's the other fucking thing! When I write, it sounds like I'm reading it in a british accent all the time. I'M NOT BRITISH--although I do one hell of an accent, but that's besides the point... W.T.F?!?!?!) a bit of an odd duck, certainly someone who may benefit from counsel, but is not herself dangerous....You know? The dotty aunt that wore turbans; the gent who becomes obsessive-compulsive about his lawn in his retirement years... that sort, not the apeshit hearing voices in the walls crazy, no not that far... I mean the madness.
I do feel this way sometimes and it really frustrates me. I start having conversations with myself that will never ever happen in real life, imagining the 'other' answer, hearing it in my head exactly as it would be in that situation from that person. And it's always with people that I can readily identify. I know these people, so it's not like I'm talking to Jim Morrison or Shakespeare or anything, and I certainly understand the Elvis look-alike is ... a look-alike. I'm not stupid about this. And no, that hesitation was not questioning that particular belief. I was going to say pretty fucking hilarious. But I'm not stupid about it. I know it's in my head.
I just... I understand I'm not crazy (batshit). I understand what I am hearing in my head is not real. I understand that the conversations taking place will never take place because it just won't come up, either the subject or the subject with that person-- I mean, why would I be having a pretty damn lively conversation about what tequila was the best for amaretto 'ritas with X person I know because they come up and talk to me at work?
Oh. Sorry. Did that last sound a bit...peevish? I'll explain:
There are several people at work within my 'realm of understanding' with whom I have conversations with, who would consider me to be their friend, who see no problem in coming up and hugging me or touching my hair or playing with my ear that I really do have conversations with... I only talk to them because they talk to me. I don't... I don't care, really. I don't work in the same campaign as they do, I may have said something when asked for a response at one time, but I really don't remember--I mean something as simple as 'What time is it?' or 'Can I borrow a light?'--They seem to think I'm one of their closest friends because I happened to be kind to them at one time. I will NEVER have this strange little conversation with this person type conversations are going on in my head and it's driving me crazy!
I don't want that to sound mean. I'm not, generally speaking, a mean person. People get tedious, though, especially if I don't consider them to be a friend, if not a friend-friend (J, Mako, J(2), Squishy, L&D). I mean that I don't care, particularly, that that one girl? In that campaign? What'sherface? (shows how well I know her!) Yeah... She's getting married. Not only that, but I can tell you the name of her fiance and all the BS she's put herself through to get married. My opinion says most of it is due to her own assumptions and ignorance, but (insert shrug here)... She comes up, I'm nice, she talks to me. Not with me... Mako? We talk. This girl? Who really wanted me to go to her family&close family friends invited-only wedding? She talks to me.
I suppose it's part and parcel of being such an introvert for so very long. I'm afraid, somehow, of alternately saying the wrong thing or saying something so unbearably witty I'll have to make a repeat appearance or something. I usually feel very gauche, but cover it well, I guess. The voices in my head are there though. And I do make up characters in my head.... They come in sometimes. That's fun. And they all have malleable histories...
Hm. That's a thought.
I will let the idea percolate for a bit...perhaps a smidge. Maybe I'll take some of those characters and some of those conversations and write out the various movies in my head... What do I see, what do I hear, that sort.... Maybe get a readable story or two. Hm.
I do feel this way sometimes and it really frustrates me. I start having conversations with myself that will never ever happen in real life, imagining the 'other' answer, hearing it in my head exactly as it would be in that situation from that person. And it's always with people that I can readily identify. I know these people, so it's not like I'm talking to Jim Morrison or Shakespeare or anything, and I certainly understand the Elvis look-alike is ... a look-alike. I'm not stupid about this. And no, that hesitation was not questioning that particular belief. I was going to say pretty fucking hilarious. But I'm not stupid about it. I know it's in my head.
I just... I understand I'm not crazy (batshit). I understand what I am hearing in my head is not real. I understand that the conversations taking place will never take place because it just won't come up, either the subject or the subject with that person-- I mean, why would I be having a pretty damn lively conversation about what tequila was the best for amaretto 'ritas with X person I know because they come up and talk to me at work?
Oh. Sorry. Did that last sound a bit...peevish? I'll explain:
There are several people at work within my 'realm of understanding' with whom I have conversations with, who would consider me to be their friend, who see no problem in coming up and hugging me or touching my hair or playing with my ear that I really do have conversations with... I only talk to them because they talk to me. I don't... I don't care, really. I don't work in the same campaign as they do, I may have said something when asked for a response at one time, but I really don't remember--I mean something as simple as 'What time is it?' or 'Can I borrow a light?'--They seem to think I'm one of their closest friends because I happened to be kind to them at one time. I will NEVER have this strange little conversation with this person type conversations are going on in my head and it's driving me crazy!
I don't want that to sound mean. I'm not, generally speaking, a mean person. People get tedious, though, especially if I don't consider them to be a friend, if not a friend-friend (J, Mako, J(2), Squishy, L&D). I mean that I don't care, particularly, that that one girl? In that campaign? What'sherface? (shows how well I know her!) Yeah... She's getting married. Not only that, but I can tell you the name of her fiance and all the BS she's put herself through to get married. My opinion says most of it is due to her own assumptions and ignorance, but (insert shrug here)... She comes up, I'm nice, she talks to me. Not with me... Mako? We talk. This girl? Who really wanted me to go to her family&close family friends invited-only wedding? She talks to me.
I suppose it's part and parcel of being such an introvert for so very long. I'm afraid, somehow, of alternately saying the wrong thing or saying something so unbearably witty I'll have to make a repeat appearance or something. I usually feel very gauche, but cover it well, I guess. The voices in my head are there though. And I do make up characters in my head.... They come in sometimes. That's fun. And they all have malleable histories...
Hm. That's a thought.
I will let the idea percolate for a bit...perhaps a smidge. Maybe I'll take some of those characters and some of those conversations and write out the various movies in my head... What do I see, what do I hear, that sort.... Maybe get a readable story or two. Hm.