Oneshot| Perfection as Dictated
Lee Seunghyun obsesses over Kim Xiah Junsu.
He aspires and he hopes, but mostly he watches.
Because Xiah Junsu is perfect- the essence of an art contained in a human body and Seunghyun wants that. Wants him.
He’s proud when he watches Junsu sing like he’s offering his heart and even prouder when he watches him dance, tracking him from the moment of his debut. Seunghyun joins countless other fans to get a glimpse of the determination in his features, the expression in every line of his being and the perfection contained therein.
It’s through Xiah that he realizes his dream of stardom and dancing as his livelihood.
Seunghyun holds on.
From the moment he finds himself enthralled with the world of flashing lights and masked faces that are masked by little more than tricks of stage and clever scripting, Seunghyun draws on his affections- how ever fanatic, however borne of hero-worship- and thrives, trying to stoke the flame of his passion to reach a little higher until maybe, just maybe it becomes a comparable blaze.
Kim Xiah Junsu might not know it, but he has Lee Seunghyun’s heart from day one and Seunghyun never stops giving it.
Seunghyun is on the arduous trail of training when he meets one Dong Youngbae and secretly promises himself never to forget it.
At the studio he finds that Youngbae is special, that he’s talented and handsome and charming and everything that Seunghyun has admired. At the studio, Seunghyun’s heart shifts in his hands, leaning towards another path he’d never once considered and Seunghyun finds himself distracted by it.
At the end of the day, Seunghyun goes home and he’s a Xiah Junsu fan. At night, Seunghyun listens to the tracks on the CDs he pretends he bought for his sister on repeat until he can think of nothing else but a husky baritenor that rends his soul in two with its passion and he falls asleep dreaming of the lips the notes passed through.
At night, Lee Seunghyun’s heart never wavers, and it always belongs to Junsu.
Somehow, Lee Seunghyun survives training days, but he’s not Seunghyun anymore, there’s already one of those and even though the other Seunghyun doesn’t use his real name, everyone decides that Lee Seunghyun is a name in need of revision.
Seunghyun become Seungri and Seungri is in no way Seunghyun.
Seungri gets to be the maknae, the cutie, the one that everyone can point to as a joke and gets to baby because he’s fresh. Seungri gets to be the one in the group that’s left out of inside jokes deemed too mature and who gets to be put in a corner while everyone goes out at night and parties at places he’s not old enough to be in.
Seungri gets to fall hopelessly for Youngbae.
Youngbae who is shy and talented and somewhat naïve in a way that Seungri doesn’t think he ever was. Youngbae gets to hold Seungri’s heart in a way that’s too tangible for Seunghyun to handle and it hurts.
Seungri gets to pretend he’s still foolishly in love with Xiah Junsu, but it’s more than that.
He full on deludes himself into thinking knowing it’s true.
Seungri thinks he lives on the hope that stardom brings him one step closer to meeting the star in his night skies and he dreams while the others look on with raised eyebrows.
He pretends he doesn’t know that Youngbae’s are raising the highest.
Seungri gets to meet Xiah Junsu in person and he’s not disappointed in the least by what he sees.
He sees perfection in a perpetual smile, in a unique laugh, in the terribly polite way that Junsu greets them. He sees it in Junsu’s voice and his shyness and the way that Junsu answers every question with confidence. He feels it in Junsu’s hand shake.
He sees perfection in the kindness in Junsu’s eyes that he recognizes from somewhere, though he thinks, the next moment, that he doesn’t think Youngbae’s eyes ever looked so jaded.
Freeze frame.
Seungri’s smile is still firmly in place, though his heart is not. He thinks of rectifying the situation.
He realizes he doesn’t know how.
From that day on, Seungri renews his efforts.
He tries hard to meet Junsu, to talk to him for five more seconds even, at every opportunity, taking advantage of contact with members of Super Junior to get a single digit out of seven or a character in a screen name hesays dying to know.
He tries to avoid Youngbae at the same time- not that he really realizes why, he’s deluded himself after all- and he succeeds on both accounts finding shy hesitation in one endeavor while the other holds something like disappointment and a little jewel of jealousy a thing he can’t identify.
Seungri keeps smiling.
He doesn’t know what else to do.
It takes a month and a half for Seungri’s dreams to shatter.
A month and a half has Seungri finding out that Junsu is more human that he imagined, but that’s not what hurt him- far from, the humanity only made Junsu a brighter jewel in Seungri’s eye- it’s the things that shouldn’t have hurt so much that mattered.
A month and a half has Seungri finding out that Junsu’s heart belongs not to one man, but to four with ample love to spare. A month and a half has Seungri reading Junsu’s sincere apology at an ungodly hour during spare moment in between schedules and that moment, Seungri- no- Lee Seunghyun’s- perfect little delusion turns on its head and breaks.
That day, Seungri makes mistakes right and left and can’t summon a single ounce of his training. That day, Seungri gets a severe talking to from not only Jiyong, but their manager and even a few words from the voice behind the curtain. That day Youngbae’s arms wrap tight around him while he pretends to be asleep.
He finds he hurts more at every hint of Youngbae’s scent that enters his lungs than at the knowledge that the singular object of his affections is right there is taken.
When he finally falls asleep, he dreams of jumping off of bridges and finding himself without a bungee cord or parachute.
He almost tries not to wake up before he hits the water.
Two days later, Seungri snaps at everyone at work and gets drunk off his ass when they get home. No one feels brave enough to stop him so they don’t try, pity shining in their eyes.
No one, but Youngbae.
Seungri puts up a fuss, saying things he doesn’t mean and trying to push Youngbae away with the success- zero- that only inebriation can bring, but Youngbae stays there the entire time.
It’s four hours before Seungri can’t take it any longer.
He presses his lips against Youngbae’s and feels a breathless gasp against his lips.
He passes out a moment later.
Three weeks later, Kim Junsu is congratulating him via text, a few simple characters saying ‘I’m glad you finally found him” bringing a real smile to Seungri’s features.
Seungri leans into Youngbae’s chest when he shows the older man, chuckling when Youngbae takes the handphone with a jealous twitch of lips and tossing it somewhere to disturb one of the others should it vibrate.
He closes his eyes and just fits and realizes-
No. this- he’s- perfect.
~*~
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