November 4th, 2006
Today I had to go to work from 10-6 so that way I could go to Matt's halloween party. Kristen, Lizzy, Fabein(?), Tyler, Jason, and Nicole were there....oh and a lot of other people I didn't know. About an hour into the party we all went outside and kristen and I started jumping on the trampoline. We wanted to start chanting something so she told me one....or at least tired to. Matt interfered and said that he didn't like to here chanting .... yeah ..... and so we had this "game" going on where Kristen and I would try to get together to finish it while matt was either choking me or trying to capture Kristen. He laid me on the trampoline one time when he caught me and almost kissed me. That went on for a while longer and then parents came outside so we went inside and I tired to tell Matt that I was sorry but he pushed me away and just shook his head at me. So I went to his room and sat down Kristen came in and asked what was wrong told her that I made Matt mad. She went out and told him this -I guess- and when I came out he told me to go back in there because "we need to talk".
- OH Shit. - is the only thing that ran through my mind.
He told me that he was in deep shit and whomever he told would hate him or be mad at him or it would hurt somebody. He was bound determined not to tell me and ... being me....made him.
He said to me. "There's one sentence that I can say and it would hurt everyone I know or piss them off at me."
I just kept telling him to tell me.
He wouldn't - so I asked questions:
1. Does it have to do with our circle of friends? Yes
2. Does it deal with someone close? Yes
Finally he said, "It's you."
OUCH!!!!
I told him to look at me and he said no....HE COULDN'T EVEN LOOK AT ME!
When he did, I told him that I would do anything to make you happy, even if it needs to come to this. I told him I wanted him to be happy ... no matter what.
He said that his happiness revolves around his friends being happy. Including me, ... since I ... most of all ...am his friend.
Silence
I told him I needed to know why. The following was said:
"When we first started dating I thought of you as a Goddess, but after I gave you that ring, it hasn't felt right, I loved you and still do, but as a friend or a sister, not as a girlfriend."
Me:"I'll tell you what I told you before, I love you Matt, with all of my heart. It's going to take me awhile. It's going to take me time. It's going to hurt me...but that must just be a girl thing...but if your happy....I can pretend."
Me:"If you want to, we can go back out there and act like nothing happened. Then, come Monday, we can stop seeing each other as much, and when people start asking we'll just tell them that I think I'm just growing apart. Then it will sound like we both agreed with this togeter ... for the better."
Him:"But I'll still be the bad guy, I'm going to be the one that hurt you."
Me:"Yes, but this way you won't be looked down upon by your friends."
Him:"But I'll know that I'm the bad guy."
Me:"Fine then, do you want me to break up with you, so that way people won't be mad at you? I really don't care what they think of me if your happy. I'll take the heat."
Him:"I can't let you do that, when it's my feelings that have changed."
Me:"Fine."
Him:"Can you still go out there and have fun?"
ME:"WHen I'm with you, I have fun. When I'm with friends, I have fun. And if need be, and I can't handle it, I'll just leave early and say that I'm really tired, since everyone can believe that."
Him:"Alright, let's go." He touched my shoulder and I tired to shake it off. Then he grabbed me with both hands and I flinched away.
Him:"Do you need a minitue?"
ME:"Yeah...I'm going to need some time."
So then I told myself that I was going to be stubborn and I wasn't going to let him see me cry.
Now...about 2 hours later...I'm crying and I can't help it.
It funny how my hearts broken into a million little pieces - but I love him with EVERY SINGLE ONE!
- OH Shit. - is the only thing that ran through my mind.
He told me that he was in deep shit and whomever he told would hate him or be mad at him or it would hurt somebody. He was bound determined not to tell me and ... being me....made him.
He said to me. "There's one sentence that I can say and it would hurt everyone I know or piss them off at me."
I just kept telling him to tell me.
He wouldn't - so I asked questions:
1. Does it have to do with our circle of friends? Yes
2. Does it deal with someone close? Yes
Finally he said, "It's you."
OUCH!!!!
I told him to look at me and he said no....HE COULDN'T EVEN LOOK AT ME!
When he did, I told him that I would do anything to make you happy, even if it needs to come to this. I told him I wanted him to be happy ... no matter what.
He said that his happiness revolves around his friends being happy. Including me, ... since I ... most of all ...am his friend.
Silence
I told him I needed to know why. The following was said:
"When we first started dating I thought of you as a Goddess, but after I gave you that ring, it hasn't felt right, I loved you and still do, but as a friend or a sister, not as a girlfriend."
Me:"I'll tell you what I told you before, I love you Matt, with all of my heart. It's going to take me awhile. It's going to take me time. It's going to hurt me...but that must just be a girl thing...but if your happy....I can pretend."
Me:"If you want to, we can go back out there and act like nothing happened. Then, come Monday, we can stop seeing each other as much, and when people start asking we'll just tell them that I think I'm just growing apart. Then it will sound like we both agreed with this togeter ... for the better."
Him:"But I'll still be the bad guy, I'm going to be the one that hurt you."
Me:"Yes, but this way you won't be looked down upon by your friends."
Him:"But I'll know that I'm the bad guy."
Me:"Fine then, do you want me to break up with you, so that way people won't be mad at you? I really don't care what they think of me if your happy. I'll take the heat."
Him:"I can't let you do that, when it's my feelings that have changed."
Me:"Fine."
Him:"Can you still go out there and have fun?"
ME:"WHen I'm with you, I have fun. When I'm with friends, I have fun. And if need be, and I can't handle it, I'll just leave early and say that I'm really tired, since everyone can believe that."
Him:"Alright, let's go." He touched my shoulder and I tired to shake it off. Then he grabbed me with both hands and I flinched away.
Him:"Do you need a minitue?"
ME:"Yeah...I'm going to need some time."
So then I told myself that I was going to be stubborn and I wasn't going to let him see me cry.
Now...about 2 hours later...I'm crying and I can't help it.
It funny how my hearts broken into a million little pieces - but I love him with EVERY SINGLE ONE!