Apr 03, 2004 20:02
disclaimer: the following may contain bitching. I'm not writing this for you, I'm writing this for me. I've had a lot of shit on my mind lately and I need to organize my thoughts. read it if you want, comment if you'd like.
So after like 3 weeks of not talking to Bill at all, I guess we're back to normal. I don't even remember what I was mad about anymore, so I figured it was time to drop it. Of course nothing gets solved that way, but whatever. I just think its funny when he gets really drunk and way emotional and pulls all this "dude, you're my best friend" bull shit when I'm there for him when he has a breakdown. Am I his best friend? maybe... I've been there to help him through his rough times more than probably anyone else. On the other hand, I feel like I'm only his friend when its convenient for him or when no one else is around.
I think one thing that really hurt our friendship was his relationship with Beth. He pretty much ditched me for an entire year to hang out with her... my sophomore year was one of the shittiest years ever because of that. He gets way too attached to his relationships and that bothers me a lot when I get ditched for that. Now he's got this new girlfriend in Scranton and he goes there every weekend (2 and a half hour drive). I think that was the main reason I've been pissed at him... when we played the battle of the bands show and he was gonna come. then he says "i dont think im gonna go, i have a lot of work to do".... and then I find out that he went to scranton. maybe i'm just too sensitive about this shit, but that's not something a "best friend" would do. fuck, even my brother's friends came to the show. or if you're not going to come you can at least be honest about it.
I think i'm just insecure.
I've found that my self confidence has been suffering more than ever lately. It's on and off though... sometimes its just like whatever I'm not so bad... and other times I'm just like what the fuck is wrong with me and get real depressed. fuck human nature and society for making me feel like I need a girlfriend or something. it always seems like the answer to all of life's problems, but in reality chances are good you'll get fucked in the end anyway. girls don't like me. girls like guys that are confident, fun, and attractive. i'm none of those things. The more that I like a girl, the less that I feel that I stand a chance in getting her. It's a silly way to approach the situation, because seriously what is there to lose by trying? confidence... I don't have much of it, its hard to put that on the line especially when I fully convince myself that I don't have a chance. i'm not what girls want in a guy. It's a vicious cycle that gets me nowhere.
alright I'm done... that's enough of this for now.