two entries wrapped into one!
so, getting used to this whole public journal thing is weird, but i think it's going pretty well so far...
and this isn’t' really two entries, but i'm fairly certain that there will be two different trains of thought, and i couldn't come up with a better title, so that was it. onward!
my first thought train is that concerning last night at CRU. Some lady spoke, and while i can't remember her name (sorry if you happen to stumble upon this...), i did feel as if i got something out of her talk. i took a lot of notes, more than i usually take (read "i usually take" as "none"), and so i'll be presenting my thoughts pretty much the way they came to me last night. unless i say so otherwise (i'll think of someway to differentiate between the two) what i'm about to write are straight notes... let us begin:
-"dreams come true"
-desire turned to apathy
-plans to dust
-uncertainty
-falling apart
-grasping for something God's not giving
-discouragement/disappointment with God for not giving
-start to try to be self-sufficient
-having problems believing that God is wise and really loves me
-believe that God made a mistake, so i try to fix myself
-worth is not in my work or what people think of me
-need to learn to take desires to God's feet to keep them from moving ahead without God or causing me to place hope in them
last night was really good. it's what i needed to hear, that God isn't just going to just plop things in front of me, or tell me exactly what His plan for my life is, and that i need to accept that, and do the best that i can with what i am given. i've been in a slump for quite some time now, and i don't really see it getting any better any time soon, and i'm okay with that where i am right now. i know that not everyone is or knows exactly where or what they want their lives to become, so my not knowing isn't anything special or strange. talking with my parents, they insist that i have a plan, and know exactly what i want to do with the rest of my life. i don't know that, and the way my plans have fallen out from under me in the past, i'd rather just coast right now. it's hard to do (and even harder to get out of once you're in it), but i don’t' want to start planning or hoping for anything now for fear that that takes me away from whatever it is i should be focusing on.
also yesterday, i spent a lot of time at ashley and katie's place fixing katie's computer... i'm not exactly sure what she keeps doing to that thing, but i believe it's the 3rd time i've had to fix katie's dell in as many years. each time results in a complete loss of data, so hooray! but it was good being able to hang out over there, i always have really good/deep/meaningful conversations with katie when were not surrounded by "the scene" or whatever you want to call it when one's surrounded by a ton of people you know and who want to talk with you. we were talking about things from feeling confident in middle school to plans for the future or the lack thereof... i always enjoy being able to talk with her.
and the second train of thought ... i was crusing around the interweb looking for stuff to inspire me for last night's crusade slides, and found this guys' blog-of-sorts. he does sort of what i do, but on a less personal scale (i think, i didn't read too much of it), but what caught my eye were the pictures he took throughout his daily routine. they were really good, and got me thinking "hey, you love photography, go do that again." (consequently, that's why i'm journaling now. not my love of photography, but because i started talking to myself, and figured this would be a better way to communicate my thoughts with my self.) so, i'm charging up my camera as we speak and will be starting to hopefully journal my life with words and pictures. i don't know if the pictures will reflect thoughts or not, i just know that i want to get into that again, and what better way to show off stuff to myself, and make sure i actually do it, than to put it up here? exactly, i'm the best... or something... ( :
so yeah, there's that. i'm supposed to be studying for a test i have in around 1.5 hours, but i haven't yet. i woke up and started throwing up (yay! vomit!), and since then really haven't been in the mood to do anything. i downloaded and watched bones from whenever (wed. i think) and all the 24 episodes i missed... i'm so glad that i watched them that way, i'm pretty sure i would feel terrible if i hadn't ended on the most recent episode. the whole "everyone" dying thing really didn't go over for me that well (but remember, i get emotional towards television shows because i don't allow myself to show emotion to the world... i mentioned this before i think... hooray for self-analysis!) haha.
wow, this was a long post. but i think i needed it; i always feel better when i dump my thoughts into something, be it a person or an inanimate object, like a computer, or an empty room... well, i take that back. i don't feel "better" per say, that is i still feel this weird depressive-ish aura, but it's been talked about. or at least dwelled over. something like that.
so yeah, get ready for pictures to soon grace my wonderful site. it'll be exciting, i promise (well, i'll enjoy it at least)... ( :
i don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault
and this isn’t' really two entries, but i'm fairly certain that there will be two different trains of thought, and i couldn't come up with a better title, so that was it. onward!
my first thought train is that concerning last night at CRU. Some lady spoke, and while i can't remember her name (sorry if you happen to stumble upon this...), i did feel as if i got something out of her talk. i took a lot of notes, more than i usually take (read "i usually take" as "none"), and so i'll be presenting my thoughts pretty much the way they came to me last night. unless i say so otherwise (i'll think of someway to differentiate between the two) what i'm about to write are straight notes... let us begin:
-"dreams come true"
-desire turned to apathy
-plans to dust
-uncertainty
-falling apart
-grasping for something God's not giving
-discouragement/disappointment with God for not giving
-start to try to be self-sufficient
-having problems believing that God is wise and really loves me
-believe that God made a mistake, so i try to fix myself
-worth is not in my work or what people think of me
-need to learn to take desires to God's feet to keep them from moving ahead without God or causing me to place hope in them
last night was really good. it's what i needed to hear, that God isn't just going to just plop things in front of me, or tell me exactly what His plan for my life is, and that i need to accept that, and do the best that i can with what i am given. i've been in a slump for quite some time now, and i don't really see it getting any better any time soon, and i'm okay with that where i am right now. i know that not everyone is or knows exactly where or what they want their lives to become, so my not knowing isn't anything special or strange. talking with my parents, they insist that i have a plan, and know exactly what i want to do with the rest of my life. i don't know that, and the way my plans have fallen out from under me in the past, i'd rather just coast right now. it's hard to do (and even harder to get out of once you're in it), but i don’t' want to start planning or hoping for anything now for fear that that takes me away from whatever it is i should be focusing on.
also yesterday, i spent a lot of time at ashley and katie's place fixing katie's computer... i'm not exactly sure what she keeps doing to that thing, but i believe it's the 3rd time i've had to fix katie's dell in as many years. each time results in a complete loss of data, so hooray! but it was good being able to hang out over there, i always have really good/deep/meaningful conversations with katie when were not surrounded by "the scene" or whatever you want to call it when one's surrounded by a ton of people you know and who want to talk with you. we were talking about things from feeling confident in middle school to plans for the future or the lack thereof... i always enjoy being able to talk with her.
and the second train of thought ... i was crusing around the interweb looking for stuff to inspire me for last night's crusade slides, and found this guys' blog-of-sorts. he does sort of what i do, but on a less personal scale (i think, i didn't read too much of it), but what caught my eye were the pictures he took throughout his daily routine. they were really good, and got me thinking "hey, you love photography, go do that again." (consequently, that's why i'm journaling now. not my love of photography, but because i started talking to myself, and figured this would be a better way to communicate my thoughts with my self.) so, i'm charging up my camera as we speak and will be starting to hopefully journal my life with words and pictures. i don't know if the pictures will reflect thoughts or not, i just know that i want to get into that again, and what better way to show off stuff to myself, and make sure i actually do it, than to put it up here? exactly, i'm the best... or something... ( :
so yeah, there's that. i'm supposed to be studying for a test i have in around 1.5 hours, but i haven't yet. i woke up and started throwing up (yay! vomit!), and since then really haven't been in the mood to do anything. i downloaded and watched bones from whenever (wed. i think) and all the 24 episodes i missed... i'm so glad that i watched them that way, i'm pretty sure i would feel terrible if i hadn't ended on the most recent episode. the whole "everyone" dying thing really didn't go over for me that well (but remember, i get emotional towards television shows because i don't allow myself to show emotion to the world... i mentioned this before i think... hooray for self-analysis!) haha.
wow, this was a long post. but i think i needed it; i always feel better when i dump my thoughts into something, be it a person or an inanimate object, like a computer, or an empty room... well, i take that back. i don't feel "better" per say, that is i still feel this weird depressive-ish aura, but it's been talked about. or at least dwelled over. something like that.
so yeah, get ready for pictures to soon grace my wonderful site. it'll be exciting, i promise (well, i'll enjoy it at least)... ( :
i don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault