(no subject)
My mom entered a marriage where she found out that she wasn't really happy in. For reasons unknown she stayed married and later gave birth to us. She really didn't have a real job, because my father was the one who supported all of us. Later on, utilizing her skills she learned as a nurse in Mexico, she got licensed to run an elderly foster home within our own home. She started making good money, and as the years passed, she gained the confidence to leave my father because she realized that she truly was capable of supporting herself and her children.
She really was a stay at home mom. If she wasn't taking care of us, she was taking care of the old folks. That caused her to make sacrifices in her life, such as not having enough time to learn english.
Everything she earned she used to provide a good life for us. Her creed is that money is meant to be spent.
She's now in her 50's and really has not accumulated any real type of savings. Retirement really isn't an option for her, because she has no nest egg to retire on. So, the pressure is on for my brother, sister, and I to study hard, be successful and provide for our mother as she provided for us. There's no question that that is an obligation we all have. My brother the doctor, my sister a teacher, and myself an accountant/laywer. Because of the pressure I feel that I have chosen a career path that I really don't want to pursue. I've slowly realized that as of late, and I'm beginning to think of things to do with my life that does not involve being and accountant/laywer, but it's hard because of the pressure to succeed and help my mother. But that's another issue.
Anyways, simple enough, right?
Wrong.
My mother grew up in Mexico in a society that encourages strong family ties -- it's a very collectivist society. It's not uncommon at all for the grandparents, uncles, aunts, kids, grandkids to all live in one roof. She grew up with around 10 other brother's and sisters, uncles, aunts, et cetera. They did not live in a small hut like they often portray on T.V. They lived in a rather large house, and it didn't seem to be really crowded.
Now, my brother, sister, and I didn't grow up in an environment like that. The society we grew up in really emphasizes independence -- the U.S. is a very individualistic society. When growing up I dreamed of moving out and starting my own life, so did my brother and sister. As we grew older, it became evident that's not what my mother had in mind, at all.
To her, a family is one that all lives together in the same house, who all share their earnings, and share a life, and expected us to all stay together. It was only a few years ago that she outright told us that. I was kinda shocked, and so were my brother and sister. It's obvious what kind of problems I would have in my life if I did what she wanted: Ex) I already don't have a social life, I could say goodbye to any love life, et cetera. We didn't say anything, but we didn't know what to say. We kinda just tried to ignore what she said, even though problems would arise later on.
Well, problems have arisen. My mother knows she lacks the power to really control us any longer, and knows that all of us are moving along with our own lives. Because of that she has fallen into a deep depression, which of course is worsen by the recent loss of her mother.
I came home today and she was sitting on the couch, her eyes red and watery -- a sign that she was crying. I asked her what's wrong and she responds, " How could you possible think about going back to Japan?!"
That really came out of nowhere, especially since I haven't discussed that topic since I came back from Japan in June. She told me that I have a responsibility to stay here in El Paso, get a good job, and stay with her and support her. I couldn't tell her what she wanted to hear. I told her that I'm at an age where so many things are available for me to do and explore, and that I have to take advantage of those options. She continued to say that I had an obligation to stay with her forever because she sacrificed her entire life for us. I told her that I'm tired of that excuse, because we weren't responsible for her getting into a marriage she knew she was unhappy in, having children with that man, and focusing all her energy on us instead of for herself. I told her that ignoring herself completely by just relying on us to take care of her, and to be with her, was completely selfish. I told her that she wants us to sacrifice our lives, our dreams, to make up for the sacrifices she made. It's the truth. She began to cry and said she had no family, and that none of us loved her. That made me mad because that's completely not true.
I can't tell her that I will stay and live with her forever to make her feel better. That's just not a possible reality, for myself or for my brother or sister. But my brother, sister, and I will support her completely, and that no matter where we live we will always be a family. She just can't understand that. . .
She lives in denial, and I'm afraid of what will happen when I do move away to a another city to start a career, or go to Law School somewhere outside our state.
There's no simple solution to my problem. I refuse to sacrifice myself to make her happy, because in the end, the one that I would hurt the most will be myself. If I do what she wants, after she departs from this world, where would I be? How far would I have gone in life? How happy would I be? I know the answer to those questions, and I'm afraid, and I refuse to end up like my mother in the end, feeling the way she feels right now, like her life has been a waste (she did say she wasted away her youth and life).
I can't end up that way. I refuse to end up that way. I'm not.
Because of that, my mom will suffer greatly and have a hard time accepting the things to come. I hope she'll have the strength to face the truth of the matter and slowly come to terms with reality so she won't be too hurt when the future comes. . .
My mother's selfish in her beliefs, but obviously, so am I.
Heh. I'm sooooo not having children unless I'm very wealthy.
I don't expect anyone to say anything to me that would solve this problem. I just felt the need to express what I'm feeling inside almost every day.
She really was a stay at home mom. If she wasn't taking care of us, she was taking care of the old folks. That caused her to make sacrifices in her life, such as not having enough time to learn english.
Everything she earned she used to provide a good life for us. Her creed is that money is meant to be spent.
She's now in her 50's and really has not accumulated any real type of savings. Retirement really isn't an option for her, because she has no nest egg to retire on. So, the pressure is on for my brother, sister, and I to study hard, be successful and provide for our mother as she provided for us. There's no question that that is an obligation we all have. My brother the doctor, my sister a teacher, and myself an accountant/laywer. Because of the pressure I feel that I have chosen a career path that I really don't want to pursue. I've slowly realized that as of late, and I'm beginning to think of things to do with my life that does not involve being and accountant/laywer, but it's hard because of the pressure to succeed and help my mother. But that's another issue.
Anyways, simple enough, right?
Wrong.
My mother grew up in Mexico in a society that encourages strong family ties -- it's a very collectivist society. It's not uncommon at all for the grandparents, uncles, aunts, kids, grandkids to all live in one roof. She grew up with around 10 other brother's and sisters, uncles, aunts, et cetera. They did not live in a small hut like they often portray on T.V. They lived in a rather large house, and it didn't seem to be really crowded.
Now, my brother, sister, and I didn't grow up in an environment like that. The society we grew up in really emphasizes independence -- the U.S. is a very individualistic society. When growing up I dreamed of moving out and starting my own life, so did my brother and sister. As we grew older, it became evident that's not what my mother had in mind, at all.
To her, a family is one that all lives together in the same house, who all share their earnings, and share a life, and expected us to all stay together. It was only a few years ago that she outright told us that. I was kinda shocked, and so were my brother and sister. It's obvious what kind of problems I would have in my life if I did what she wanted: Ex) I already don't have a social life, I could say goodbye to any love life, et cetera. We didn't say anything, but we didn't know what to say. We kinda just tried to ignore what she said, even though problems would arise later on.
Well, problems have arisen. My mother knows she lacks the power to really control us any longer, and knows that all of us are moving along with our own lives. Because of that she has fallen into a deep depression, which of course is worsen by the recent loss of her mother.
I came home today and she was sitting on the couch, her eyes red and watery -- a sign that she was crying. I asked her what's wrong and she responds, " How could you possible think about going back to Japan?!"
That really came out of nowhere, especially since I haven't discussed that topic since I came back from Japan in June. She told me that I have a responsibility to stay here in El Paso, get a good job, and stay with her and support her. I couldn't tell her what she wanted to hear. I told her that I'm at an age where so many things are available for me to do and explore, and that I have to take advantage of those options. She continued to say that I had an obligation to stay with her forever because she sacrificed her entire life for us. I told her that I'm tired of that excuse, because we weren't responsible for her getting into a marriage she knew she was unhappy in, having children with that man, and focusing all her energy on us instead of for herself. I told her that ignoring herself completely by just relying on us to take care of her, and to be with her, was completely selfish. I told her that she wants us to sacrifice our lives, our dreams, to make up for the sacrifices she made. It's the truth. She began to cry and said she had no family, and that none of us loved her. That made me mad because that's completely not true.
I can't tell her that I will stay and live with her forever to make her feel better. That's just not a possible reality, for myself or for my brother or sister. But my brother, sister, and I will support her completely, and that no matter where we live we will always be a family. She just can't understand that. . .
She lives in denial, and I'm afraid of what will happen when I do move away to a another city to start a career, or go to Law School somewhere outside our state.
There's no simple solution to my problem. I refuse to sacrifice myself to make her happy, because in the end, the one that I would hurt the most will be myself. If I do what she wants, after she departs from this world, where would I be? How far would I have gone in life? How happy would I be? I know the answer to those questions, and I'm afraid, and I refuse to end up like my mother in the end, feeling the way she feels right now, like her life has been a waste (she did say she wasted away her youth and life).
I can't end up that way. I refuse to end up that way. I'm not.
Because of that, my mom will suffer greatly and have a hard time accepting the things to come. I hope she'll have the strength to face the truth of the matter and slowly come to terms with reality so she won't be too hurt when the future comes. . .
My mother's selfish in her beliefs, but obviously, so am I.
Heh. I'm sooooo not having children unless I'm very wealthy.
I don't expect anyone to say anything to me that would solve this problem. I just felt the need to express what I'm feeling inside almost every day.