Tales from the ‘bucks.
Day Ten.
Fat boys are back, and you know we can never be wack.
For those of you who aren’t involved, or much smarter then I and totally detached, there was the usual pre-Dragon*con drama on LJ. My annoyingly cryptic post last night was of course about it, and as Edie stated to me in the car ride home last night.
“You’re right, there is a pattern, she does something stupid, and you have to post about it.”
Wise girl I married.
This tale will not really be about that or really about anything in particular. I am a blank slate, I am the uncarved rock. I bend and flow within the artificial air-conditioned breeze that is thickly saturated with caffeine particles.
Wow, almost poetic.
I have an odd personal philosophy, mixed from a disjointed Jewish upbringing, the life of a fat kid, the total devotion to Star Trek novels and liberally coated with the amazing ability I have to hang out with people outside of societal norms. Add to that the fact that my personal philosophy ebbs and flows like the artificial air in the ‘bucks, and the fact that I am the king of the hypocrites and it is a very odd personal path I am on.
I have also always been amazingly jealous of spiritual people. I have never felt a spiritual moment in my life, no connection with God or Gods, nothing outside a few acid enhanced trips that were not totally unlike the cover to Led Zepplin albums. I envy those people, if they are fooling themselves, then they are also fooling me, and since perception is reality to most of us anyhow, what really is the difference?
Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right - right?
See my point is, you can’t really understand people, I don’t understand myself, and I don’t understand you to know if you understand yourself or not.
But I am willing to bet you don’t.
My path to spirituality is understanding why I do the things I do. Because as much as some people think, as much as I’d like them to be, none of my major actions in my life fit any logical pattern. I’ve done some amazingly stupid things in my life and I have no idea why the hell they seemed like a good idea at the time.
So, this is part of it, using my journal as a way to get input on everything. There are some people who comment and its mind blowing, d2leddy pops out as one of them. He doesn’t know me personally, but his input in my life, has made me think and question things about myself. I don’t write these to explain my actions to you; I write them to explain them to myself. You have all made up your minds about me already, and most of you are far kinder to me then I am to myself, and those of you who aren’t, are probably right.
See, there have been times in my life where I’ve looked at something I just did or was about to do, and I made a conscience decision to do SOMETHING different, to go outside whatever program that I’ve been hired wired with, to hack the DOS of my brain and do something that would hopefully have another result.
I should have done that last night, I can’t even use the excuse that she’s hurting my friends, the people involved are friends of friends of friends at this point, and while there is the potential for real flesh and blood interaction with all of them, there was no reason for me to get involved. The one friend she did say something amazingly cunty to really sort of made his bed with her, and had to lie in the filth for a bit. And the saddest thing about it is that as far as I can tell, he did it with the best impressions. To try and save something that can’t be saved, because as rotten as the outside of the zombie is, the internal organs are much much worse.
Oh well, pave that road to hell. Lord knows I’ve been broken down on it a few times myself.
In other news, I’m sitting here in the ‘bucks with a triple grande sugar free vanilla soy latte, yes a shot and a size smaller, as some of you know I’m so broke I can’t pay attention, but it’s been a week and frankly I’ve been putting in five extra hours a day at work for some overtime and fuck it I deserve to splurge on some coffee.
Fat boys are back, and you know we can never be wack.
For those of you who aren’t involved, or much smarter then I and totally detached, there was the usual pre-Dragon*con drama on LJ. My annoyingly cryptic post last night was of course about it, and as Edie stated to me in the car ride home last night.
“You’re right, there is a pattern, she does something stupid, and you have to post about it.”
Wise girl I married.
This tale will not really be about that or really about anything in particular. I am a blank slate, I am the uncarved rock. I bend and flow within the artificial air-conditioned breeze that is thickly saturated with caffeine particles.
Wow, almost poetic.
I have an odd personal philosophy, mixed from a disjointed Jewish upbringing, the life of a fat kid, the total devotion to Star Trek novels and liberally coated with the amazing ability I have to hang out with people outside of societal norms. Add to that the fact that my personal philosophy ebbs and flows like the artificial air in the ‘bucks, and the fact that I am the king of the hypocrites and it is a very odd personal path I am on.
I have also always been amazingly jealous of spiritual people. I have never felt a spiritual moment in my life, no connection with God or Gods, nothing outside a few acid enhanced trips that were not totally unlike the cover to Led Zepplin albums. I envy those people, if they are fooling themselves, then they are also fooling me, and since perception is reality to most of us anyhow, what really is the difference?
Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right - right?
See my point is, you can’t really understand people, I don’t understand myself, and I don’t understand you to know if you understand yourself or not.
But I am willing to bet you don’t.
My path to spirituality is understanding why I do the things I do. Because as much as some people think, as much as I’d like them to be, none of my major actions in my life fit any logical pattern. I’ve done some amazingly stupid things in my life and I have no idea why the hell they seemed like a good idea at the time.
So, this is part of it, using my journal as a way to get input on everything. There are some people who comment and its mind blowing, d2leddy pops out as one of them. He doesn’t know me personally, but his input in my life, has made me think and question things about myself. I don’t write these to explain my actions to you; I write them to explain them to myself. You have all made up your minds about me already, and most of you are far kinder to me then I am to myself, and those of you who aren’t, are probably right.
See, there have been times in my life where I’ve looked at something I just did or was about to do, and I made a conscience decision to do SOMETHING different, to go outside whatever program that I’ve been hired wired with, to hack the DOS of my brain and do something that would hopefully have another result.
I should have done that last night, I can’t even use the excuse that she’s hurting my friends, the people involved are friends of friends of friends at this point, and while there is the potential for real flesh and blood interaction with all of them, there was no reason for me to get involved. The one friend she did say something amazingly cunty to really sort of made his bed with her, and had to lie in the filth for a bit. And the saddest thing about it is that as far as I can tell, he did it with the best impressions. To try and save something that can’t be saved, because as rotten as the outside of the zombie is, the internal organs are much much worse.
Oh well, pave that road to hell. Lord knows I’ve been broken down on it a few times myself.
In other news, I’m sitting here in the ‘bucks with a triple grande sugar free vanilla soy latte, yes a shot and a size smaller, as some of you know I’m so broke I can’t pay attention, but it’s been a week and frankly I’ve been putting in five extra hours a day at work for some overtime and fuck it I deserve to splurge on some coffee.