It's time for another "good idea, bad idea".
Good idea - not going through the box full of diaries and old birthday cards.
Bad idea - doing exactly that and adding a glass of brandy to the mix.
Yeah... I'm not in a great mood right now. I don't know what time Dave is coming back, I think he said the evening but as the time draws nearer, I get more and more anxious.
I am worried that he's had some time to think and he's coming back having made some decisions I will not be too happy with.
I am sad after reading some of his old birthday cards and my own diaries, especially the entries outlining how I am worried I will mess up our relationship because of my mental health issues. Boy was I right or what?
And yet when I think about it, a part of me is angry. I think it's angry because there are couples out there where one of the people has severe mental health issues and the other just learns to deal with it because they care too much about the other person to just say "fuck it" and let go. I sometimes feel like it's unfair because I cannot control my issues 100% and it's like I am getting punished for something that is somewhat out of my control (I did not say entirely out of my control, I'm not stupid and I realize I can change things).
Sometimes I feel like I am changing but my change is too slow for him. There is only so much I can do, and there is a pace that will happen naturally as I try to learn and deal with my issues. But sometimes I feel like it will always be too slow for him, and that his own issues will make him make a decision that will end our relationship.
I really hope I am wrong. I have invested so much in this relationship. I know from my experience with Gordon that even long term relationships sometimes have to end to give way to something better. That's what happened last time. I just love Dave so much and I want to keep what we have. I want to move in together. I want to have that experience. I want to be with him for a long long time. I want us to move past each others' flaws and just love and support each other. I want the last 4+ years to not have been in vain. But I don't know what will end up happening. It's not entirely up to me. I will do my part and I will work on myself and I will try as much as I can to support him because I know how much it sucks to be depressed and to not know what you are doing and what you want. I feel his pain and it hurts me like hell that he is going through this. I just want us to survive this and get past this and I don't know what will happen.
But I guess this is life. You gotta keep going sometimes even though the outcome is uncertain. You gotta invest time in things you care about despite not knowing the consequences and future. That's how it works. It's just really hard sometimes.
That is all.
Bad idea - doing exactly that and adding a glass of brandy to the mix.
Yeah... I'm not in a great mood right now. I don't know what time Dave is coming back, I think he said the evening but as the time draws nearer, I get more and more anxious.
I am worried that he's had some time to think and he's coming back having made some decisions I will not be too happy with.
I am sad after reading some of his old birthday cards and my own diaries, especially the entries outlining how I am worried I will mess up our relationship because of my mental health issues. Boy was I right or what?
And yet when I think about it, a part of me is angry. I think it's angry because there are couples out there where one of the people has severe mental health issues and the other just learns to deal with it because they care too much about the other person to just say "fuck it" and let go. I sometimes feel like it's unfair because I cannot control my issues 100% and it's like I am getting punished for something that is somewhat out of my control (I did not say entirely out of my control, I'm not stupid and I realize I can change things).
Sometimes I feel like I am changing but my change is too slow for him. There is only so much I can do, and there is a pace that will happen naturally as I try to learn and deal with my issues. But sometimes I feel like it will always be too slow for him, and that his own issues will make him make a decision that will end our relationship.
I really hope I am wrong. I have invested so much in this relationship. I know from my experience with Gordon that even long term relationships sometimes have to end to give way to something better. That's what happened last time. I just love Dave so much and I want to keep what we have. I want to move in together. I want to have that experience. I want to be with him for a long long time. I want us to move past each others' flaws and just love and support each other. I want the last 4+ years to not have been in vain. But I don't know what will end up happening. It's not entirely up to me. I will do my part and I will work on myself and I will try as much as I can to support him because I know how much it sucks to be depressed and to not know what you are doing and what you want. I feel his pain and it hurts me like hell that he is going through this. I just want us to survive this and get past this and I don't know what will happen.
But I guess this is life. You gotta keep going sometimes even though the outcome is uncertain. You gotta invest time in things you care about despite not knowing the consequences and future. That's how it works. It's just really hard sometimes.
That is all.