Melancholia indeed.
Sometimes I wonder how this will really end.
Ok, so maybe watching a movie titled Melancholia that is both about a very depressed woman and the end of the world in one is not a great idea... but you know, I make lots of bad decisions.
What would I do if I lost Dave? Don't know... a part of me thinks that would be it. It wouldn't just be because he's so important to me, and he's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and he's wonderful... it would also be because here is this person who is so caring, and just... wonderful, as I said... and it would be like I brought even that person to his limits.
With Gordon it wasn't like that... we brought each other to our limits, I guess.
This is not the same relationship. I was able to see future in this one. I mean... I still can, I guess. I just don't know how much of a future I have or whether it's worth having.
I can tell sometimes that he's at the end of his rope. It's so hard to have an SO that's constantly depressed... and you know, now that really, the main reason for my depression is just my chronic health problems, I wonder. I have the skills to deal with a lot of stuff now, it's not the same as it was when I first met him. But this... this I don't know if I can live with, and how long, and just HOW.
I can't even properly express myself.
I contacted yet another psychotherapy referral service, this time specifying all my issues, and that I didn't want psychodynamic, and that I don't have a lot of money so I needed one on a sliding scale... so I got a call back tonight and I didn't even want to pick up... so I waited for them to leave me a message with her name and phone number. So maybe I will call her, set up an appointment...
I still owe Robin for 4 sessions. I need to pay her so we can tie that off. I wish I had enough money to keep seeing her. She knows me, she knows my situation, and it hurts me that I cannot see her right now. It wouldn't solve my health issues, but it would help to deal with the fallout of it all.
I guess I will go back to my depressing movie... or turn on the TV for something else.
I feel like I'm fading away, and I don't want to take Dave with me... I can tell how tired he is of all of this, it's exhausting, and he is being so very patient but I don't want to kill his drive as well... but what else do I do? Look for psych help... ok. The underlying issue is something doctors cannot help me with. There's no pill I can take that will make it all better. Unless maybe it's cyanide but I don't think that's a pleasant experience at all.
And really... I want to live. I want to have a life, and get a proper job, and maybe even have a fucking baby at some point, who the fuck knows. But I cannot do it the way I am now. And I don't know what to do. I am just utterly exhausted. Mentally and physically.
I feel like missing tomorrow's class but Stromer takes attendance and/or makes us do things for bonus marks. Fuck's sake. It's college. Let us make our own decisions.
Ok, so maybe watching a movie titled Melancholia that is both about a very depressed woman and the end of the world in one is not a great idea... but you know, I make lots of bad decisions.
What would I do if I lost Dave? Don't know... a part of me thinks that would be it. It wouldn't just be because he's so important to me, and he's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and he's wonderful... it would also be because here is this person who is so caring, and just... wonderful, as I said... and it would be like I brought even that person to his limits.
With Gordon it wasn't like that... we brought each other to our limits, I guess.
This is not the same relationship. I was able to see future in this one. I mean... I still can, I guess. I just don't know how much of a future I have or whether it's worth having.
I can tell sometimes that he's at the end of his rope. It's so hard to have an SO that's constantly depressed... and you know, now that really, the main reason for my depression is just my chronic health problems, I wonder. I have the skills to deal with a lot of stuff now, it's not the same as it was when I first met him. But this... this I don't know if I can live with, and how long, and just HOW.
I can't even properly express myself.
I contacted yet another psychotherapy referral service, this time specifying all my issues, and that I didn't want psychodynamic, and that I don't have a lot of money so I needed one on a sliding scale... so I got a call back tonight and I didn't even want to pick up... so I waited for them to leave me a message with her name and phone number. So maybe I will call her, set up an appointment...
I still owe Robin for 4 sessions. I need to pay her so we can tie that off. I wish I had enough money to keep seeing her. She knows me, she knows my situation, and it hurts me that I cannot see her right now. It wouldn't solve my health issues, but it would help to deal with the fallout of it all.
I guess I will go back to my depressing movie... or turn on the TV for something else.
I feel like I'm fading away, and I don't want to take Dave with me... I can tell how tired he is of all of this, it's exhausting, and he is being so very patient but I don't want to kill his drive as well... but what else do I do? Look for psych help... ok. The underlying issue is something doctors cannot help me with. There's no pill I can take that will make it all better. Unless maybe it's cyanide but I don't think that's a pleasant experience at all.
And really... I want to live. I want to have a life, and get a proper job, and maybe even have a fucking baby at some point, who the fuck knows. But I cannot do it the way I am now. And I don't know what to do. I am just utterly exhausted. Mentally and physically.
I feel like missing tomorrow's class but Stromer takes attendance and/or makes us do things for bonus marks. Fuck's sake. It's college. Let us make our own decisions.