I Hate Myself More And More Everyday...
I never should've come here, I should've left when she asked me to. I should've been there!!! It's not right that I'm here and safe and she's at home alone and unprotected. And now this happens...I'm here safe and she got raped! She was raped and I wasn't there to hold her! Hell I wasn't there to prevent it! If I had been there she would've been safe in my arms and this never would've happened!!! Have you ever been so numb that you could hold a hot lighter to your skin and it won't even hurt? That's how I feel right now and that's what I did. I heated up my lighter and pressed it to my palm and I know it was hot by all rights it should've burned like hell but it didn't...it didn't hurt at all...I don't feel anything. I'm so numb I'm barely here. I feel like I ghost I can barely see myself I wonder why others can see me so clearly? I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into myself and there's no way I can get out. I don't even feel real anymore. Aulie was raped and it's all my fault. I wasn't there. If I had been there it never would've happened...but I wasn't. I promised I would keep her safe and once again I'm a liar. I don't even feel human. I feel like an empty body that couldn't feel the sun if I was standing on it. I just...I'm empty...hallow... Aulie...I'm soooooooooooooooooooo sorry. I love you beautiful and I failed you once again. God save my damned soul....Laters
~Sam
~Sam