Rest for the weary
Back in my sanctuary, resting.
The past few weeks have been quite an ordeal and the last few days have been the crowning jewel. I had no choice but to watch myself tumble into a controlled free-fall, watching for when I hit the bottom so that I can climb back up. My energy levels were nixed by a ridiculous happenstance. Then I was confronted with an interesting proposal.
Face old fears for a chance at something that could be very good or serve as a heavy blow to an already ragged soul. My usual source of guidance and forewarning has been silent in recent days and so the chance was purely unpredictable. I've been through the flames for a day or two an still I am in the dark. I have no idea which it was or is unfolding to be: More twisted distortions or a chance at something happy, warm... and bright.
Tonight I'll have some rest. I have had a long day of arguing with the ones in me who have been of little help. Why no direction? Why no warnings? No map? And what do I make of what is? Why now? Asking them has given me nothing. So I walk further into the flames and hope for the best. Is that foolish? I don't know. It is hard to have a firm footing when still in a free-fall. Still bleeding energy, I have very little left. Now I watch as things that used to offer me warmth slip away. The embrace is still the same, but I feel the cold and... I guess it is the same as it has been with food lately. Starving... but when I do have food, I can only eat a small amount without feeling as if I am going to lose it again. It's odd to be hungry and the sight of food make you ill. Or even if the nourishment looks so enticing and wonderful, and the memories of it make your mouth water... after a mouthful I choke and have a hard time keeping it down.
It is frustrating to have been put to the test and still know nothing. There is only a little bit of bewildering pleasure, a surreal hope, and a wrenching pain. But in everything you keep it tucked away and hope that tomorrow a ray of light will fall on you in the morning as you wake... to keep you warm.
Sunlight fell on me as I slept on the floor in my old room. It seemed familiar... friendly... peaceful and serene... I hugged the blanket to my chest and remembered what warmth felt like.
The past few weeks have been quite an ordeal and the last few days have been the crowning jewel. I had no choice but to watch myself tumble into a controlled free-fall, watching for when I hit the bottom so that I can climb back up. My energy levels were nixed by a ridiculous happenstance. Then I was confronted with an interesting proposal.
Face old fears for a chance at something that could be very good or serve as a heavy blow to an already ragged soul. My usual source of guidance and forewarning has been silent in recent days and so the chance was purely unpredictable. I've been through the flames for a day or two an still I am in the dark. I have no idea which it was or is unfolding to be: More twisted distortions or a chance at something happy, warm... and bright.
Tonight I'll have some rest. I have had a long day of arguing with the ones in me who have been of little help. Why no direction? Why no warnings? No map? And what do I make of what is? Why now? Asking them has given me nothing. So I walk further into the flames and hope for the best. Is that foolish? I don't know. It is hard to have a firm footing when still in a free-fall. Still bleeding energy, I have very little left. Now I watch as things that used to offer me warmth slip away. The embrace is still the same, but I feel the cold and... I guess it is the same as it has been with food lately. Starving... but when I do have food, I can only eat a small amount without feeling as if I am going to lose it again. It's odd to be hungry and the sight of food make you ill. Or even if the nourishment looks so enticing and wonderful, and the memories of it make your mouth water... after a mouthful I choke and have a hard time keeping it down.
It is frustrating to have been put to the test and still know nothing. There is only a little bit of bewildering pleasure, a surreal hope, and a wrenching pain. But in everything you keep it tucked away and hope that tomorrow a ray of light will fall on you in the morning as you wake... to keep you warm.
Sunlight fell on me as I slept on the floor in my old room. It seemed familiar... friendly... peaceful and serene... I hugged the blanket to my chest and remembered what warmth felt like.