They Say Dancers Are Never Looking Down

[darklashes03]

Title: They Say Dancers Are Never Looking Down
Author: darklashes03
Rating: R
Prompt: community.livejournal.com/glee_angst_meme/336.html Dianna learns the hard way that Lea falls out of love just as easily as she falls in love.
Summary: Dianna tries to move on but broken hearts are hard to mend.
A/N: So I've been in an angsty mood lately, saw this prompt and wrote it. Hope you enjoy<3

They say dancers are never looking down, but maybe~ maybe ~ if you had, you would have seen her slipping away. Dark hair, bright eyes, wide smile, fading further and further away, never out of sight but no longer close enough to touch. And that was your life now; looking. Looking at her, looking away, looking down…dancing hurt too much.

“Lady Di.”

The smile that graces your lips is genuine as Chris sits down next to you, legs crossed primly as manicured hands clasp around his knee. You set down your book, The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe ~ childhood favourites were made to comfort~ and turn your whole body so you’re facing piercing blue eyes.

“So has The White Witch lured you with her Turkish Delight or are you free for a date night? I’m talking old school, dinner, a movie, and of course ice cream”

The laughter feels foreign as it spills from your mouth and that realization hurts, a lot. “Edmund? If anyone’s Edmund it’d be Cory we know how he loves to take candy from strangers, and although he knows better than to get into a van I think he would be intrigued by the sledge…and obviously the reindeer.”

Chris nodded his head in agreement as he stared at you intently. It was never pity with him, just the pain of understanding, and you didn’t want him to hurt.

“A date night would be lovely.”

You were trying.

Your fingers trace absently along the cover of your book and the absolute knowledge of the words bound between them calms you; it’s an ending you know by heart.

Chris leans forward and places a kiss on your cheek and then he’s standing, hands smoothing down his button down shirt as he walks out the door.

The beginning, your beginning, was much like your end…completely fluid. A wave, to a smile, to a hug. A co worker, to a room mate, to a best friend. Hand holding, to a kiss on the cheek, to a kiss on the lips…your first kiss. The memory wasn’t fleeting like those of your childhood, hazy on the edges and hard to grasp, it was clear and unfading. Australia had been the first real taste of what Glee was about to become…a phenomenon. Screaming fans, flashing camera lights, and unrelenting reporters. You had been virtually unknown, had had time to explore~ the zoo and all its beautiful (but caged) animals and Phillip Island and all the magic of the wild penguins~ time to decompress. Lea hadn’t had that luxury. You’d found her right where Matthew said she would be. Overwhelmed and exhausted, she sat with red rimmed eyes and tear stained cheeks on the edge of her bed, telephone cradled sadly in her hand. “I miss Jon. I can’t get a hold of him, the time difference.” Her voice was low, scared and hurt. You’d crawled up to the head of the bed and patted the spot beside you and Lea had curled under your arm, her tears starting anew. “It’s…too…much, I-I-I…can’t do…I miss…Jon.” She’d calmed slowly with your arms wrapped around her, breath finally evening out. She still looked sad, heartbreakingly so, but the fear was gone. “Thanks Di.” Lea had said it as she’d pressed her lips to your cheek, her warm breath ghosting across your skin…you’d sighed. “Dianna?” It had been the first time ever that you couldn’t look at her. Her knees were on either side of your hips as her hands firmly grasped your cheeks, “Dianna?” All you could do was nod as her lips slowly descended on yours, warm and comforting. Her tongue traced along your closed lips as her teeth nibbled the same trail; you’d whimpered and opened willingly. You’d tasted the salt of her tears that covered her lips like gloss and your stomach clenched at the thought of sadness tasting so good… but it did. “Lea?” Now it was her turn to nod as you’d rushed forward to taste her again. The knock on the door had Lea vaulting to the other side of the bed, lips swollen and cheeks flushed. You’d walked as steadily as you could to let a very worried Matthew in, concern etched in every one of his features. “Lea how are you doing, everyone’s worried about you?” You’d hovered by the door watching her and waiting for a response. Lea’s fingers lightly traced her lips and her pink tongue followed the same path. “I’m going to be amazing.” You’d blushed furiously as her eyes locked on yours. “That’s what we like to hear, I’ll go tell the rest of the guys.” Matthew left and you’d followed right behind him. This was going to be too easy; falling in love with Lea…she was going to make this too easy.

Awards shows always made you feel like you were a little girl again, sneaking into your Mother’s closet in your prettiest dress, slipping your tiny feet into her high heels, small fingers dipping into her make up bag and picking out her reddest lipstick…it was a feeling that warmed your heart and tonight was no exception.

Well tonight was no exception, until you saw them.

Your eyes landed on Lea first~ always~ midnight blue silk dipped low between her breasts and cascaded down her body like rain. Your breath had hitched and Harry, who was sitting at your table, covered your hand and squeezed. You were confused until your eyes landed on Lea’s fingers which were linked with someone else’s, someone in a tux. Harry squeezed your hand again.

“Theo.”

Your heart beat staccato the rest of the night as your eyes searched for an escape. It came in the form of brilliant streaks across the starless sky as the smell of wet pavement filled the air…the after party venue was weather permitting, and tonight Mother Nature was on your side.

With your camera and Ipod hooked to your laptop you did the one thing that was guaranteed to make you feel better…Tumblr.

Swans and the Swimming- Iron & Wine

Blue Skies- Noah and the Whale

Your Heart is as Black as Night- Melody Gardot

Heart Skipped a Beat- The XX

Comatose- Skillet

Never Feels Like Home- Brian Sendrowitz

Body- Thao

What If- Safetysuit

LA had been plagued by thunderstorms which had left you and your camera extremely happy, but now your dashboard looked like it was crying…better it than you.

You click Refresh and wait. Tears spring to your eyes making it hard to focus on the pictures.

Shum-times you just have to roll with it…

Baby elephants.

A purple octopus.

A pirate ship on the open sea.

A monkey hugging a puppy.

They run in a gloriously happy slide show and it takes your eyes a second to read the message at the bottom.

Dianna, your dashboard is making my dashboard cry. The baby elephants really want you to smile.

… And you did, it was small but it was there.

So much like Hansel and Gretel you’d left breadcrumbs, metaphorical breadcrumbs, so you’d always be able to find your way home. Three black feathers, pressed tightly between the pages of your journal, from The Golden Globes. “Di, careful.” Her voice had been a ragged moan as your hands tried futilely to get her out of her dress. You’d watched mesmerized as three feathers from the skirt of her dress floated slowly to the ground. By the time you looked up again you had both been naked, dresses pooled on the floor at your feet, grey silk slithering across black feathers like the milky-way. The bed was soft beneath you and Lea was warm above you. Hands and lips were everywhere but it was never rushed, never. You’d kissed every inked part of her body, from wrist to shoulder, from hip to back, and from foot to inner thigh. The heat had been constant as the ache built slowly. Moans, whimpers, and demands had filled the air around you as you’d both tumbled over the edge. It had been perfection.

Naya sat cross legged on the floor of your trailer; glasses perched precariously on the tip on her nose, as she watched you weave gold strands into an intricate braid.

“Isn’t that what hair and make up are for?”

“I’m done shooting for the day.”

“So?”

You look down at Naya, arching an eyebrow.

“What Di, they get paid…whatever that doesn’t matter.”

You sink down to the floor beside her and reach for your purse, needing your Ipod.

“Well?”

You look across at Naya who is now frowning at you.

“Well what?”

You lean forward and slide Naya’s glasses up the bridge of her nose, so she’s no longer looking at you over top of them but through them.

“Aren’t you going to ask what does matter?”

You shake your head no playfully; loving when Naya pouts…it reminds you of Lea.

“Doesn’t matter because I’m going to tell you, Heather and I are going to be throwing a kick ass party and you’re going to be there.”

“Naya, I …..”

“No excuses Dianna. Heather says she has someone she wants you to meet, someone she used to dance with or something.”

Naya’s smile was lopsided as she delivered the news. You couldn’t hide the fear that crept into your face.

“I can’t, not a blind date…I’m not ready.”

Naya looked down at her crossed legs, focusing all her attention on a fraying thread, fingers picking nervously.

“Well come because we miss you…because we do.”

Her brown eyes lock on yours and you know it’s true. You’ve changed and it hurts…and it’s hurting them.

“So will you come?”

You nod, linking your fingers with Naya’s.

Wuthering Heights, dog eared pages and faded cover, sat on the edge of your coffee table. She’d spent the morning before her interview browsing a local bookstore purchasing yet another copy for her ever growing collection. You’d found her curled up on your couch (she’d insisted on moving out but still spent the exact same amount of time in your once shared apartment) fast asleep, book forgotten on the table. “Sleepyhead,” you’d murmured in her ear. The couch dipped under your weight as Lea curled into your side, mumbling in the disjointed sentences that only a brain foggy with sleep could produce. You’d run your fingers through her hair and waited for the fog to clear. “You were one inch from the edge of this bed.” Her voice was soft but clear. You’d smiled as you pressed a gentle kiss to each of her closed eyelids. Linking your fingers, you’d pulled her sleep warmed body to her feet, and straight towards your bedroom, “I drag you back a sleepyhead, sleepyhead.” Her laughter was low as she tumbled onto the mattress, “You listened.” Her fingers were busy toying with the lacy straps of your dress. “A promise is a promise, Lea…plus it’s unavoidable when somebody adds that damn song to every one of my playlists.” Your smile reached your eyes as your lips roamed along Lea’s neck. “I love you Dianna.” Your tongue traced the shell of her ear. “I love you Lea.”

The venue was beautiful, a hidden LA treasure. The lights were dim, the stage was small, and the crowd was mellow. You twirled the thin red straw around your cup, delighted by the sound of crashing ice. Amber and Chris sat on either side of you at your front row table…Mark had pulled some strings.

You were finally starting to feel like you again, and it felt good.

The music started and Mark’s voice filled the air as Jericho took the stage. They played a couple of sets and then Mark and the rest of the band joined you, Amber, and Chris for a few rounds of drinks. The night had been fun…very fun.

Mark waited with you while you waited for a cab.

“Thanks for inviting me Mark; I had a lot of fun.”

You grasp his shoulder standing on your tiptoes and place a kiss on his cheek.

“Yeah well it wasn’t a strings free invitation.”

His smile was so Puck that you couldn’t help but laugh and playfully shove his shoulders.

“No, seriously though…the band and I loved what you did with Thao’s Body video and we’d really love it if you’d shoot our next one.”

You threw your arms around his neck and squeezed as tight as you could.

“So that’s a yes then?”

He was so laid back, quiet, and supportive…truly an amazing man, an amazing friend.

“Most definitely.”

You step back as your yellow chariot pulls up to the curb and Mark opens the door for you, stepping aside so you can climb in.

He kisses you swiftly on the cheek, “You’re not easy to get over either Dianna; she misses you too.”

You smile a sad smile and shrug your shoulders because your heart is really beginning to doubt that.

Pictures, smiling faces and warm embraces, in frames and albums and tucked between book pages and journal entries, in corners of mirrors and pinned to boards…everywhere. Many had been taken of you and Lea but by far your favourites were the ones Lea let you take of her. Standing on the White House lawn, the day for you had been so exhilarating, magical in every aspect. Lea had looked gorgeous and your hands had sought out your camera. She had stood with her back to you, mic strapped to the dark fabric loosely belted around her waist. A huge tree stood strong in the background, branches stretching out in every direction as if reaching for something. Her dress had danced in the breeze, daring your eyes not to watch its gentle ballet. Sleeves were rolled to just above her elbows, the white fabric so stark against Lea’s smooth tan skin. Her dark hair had been pulled into a soft braid that fell over her left shoulder. You’d snapped only one picture before she turned around, shattering the peaceful serenity that she herself had created. Before you knew it your camera was back in your bag and Lea was dragging you by the hand to meet up with Harry, Jenna, and Kevin. You’d titled it Lady…your Lady.

Jenna, Heather, and Naya sat sprawled across your living room. Heather and Naya had brought the liquor; you and Jenna had provided the snacks. You watched them joke, talk, and laugh as the movie played forgotten on the television. You finally felt whole, not just yourself again…but whole. They’d helped you put yourself together piece by piece.

“I’m ready!”

It was true.

Six eyes all focus on you and its complete silence…until three voices begin talking at once.

“He’d be perfect….”

“….we met in dance class.”

“She was in one of my college classes; I’ve still got her number...”

“Blonde…”

…tall”

“Gorgeous…”

Before you knew what was happening the four of you had ended up in your bedroom, along with the booze. Naya and Heather rummaging through your closet looking for the perfect first date outfit while Jenna sat on the floor beside your bed pouring everybody drinks.

“Seriously Dianna, you’re the princess of dresses…do you even own any pants?” Naya grumbled as she tossed dress after dress onto your bed.

“I like dresses.” You say shrugging your shoulders.

“Well you always look pretty, such a girlie girl.”

“Thanks Heather.” You say smiling at the blonde crouched in your closet alongside Naya.

“What’s this?” Jenna questioned.

You look down and your heart drops, breathing becomes impossible, as Jenna’s fingers trace along the scrawled writing on top of the wooden box.

HOME

Maybe you were still broken because it shouldn’t ache this much to be healed.

When you’d lost her, when she’d slipped from your grasp, you’d followed the breadcrumbs hoping to find your way home. The picture on your vanity from the Golden Globes, Jenna, Lea and yourself had led you to the feathers. Between the pages of your journal and the black feathers had been a clipping from The Rolling Stone magazine. Wuthering Heights sat lonely on the table. Your eyes had scanned the room as realization and fear set in, you hoped it wasn’t true. Framed pictures decorated your living room, black and white smiles…her smile and your smile. You collected them all, added to the pile of breadcrumbs. The tears came then. Falling down your cheeks and clinging to your eyelashes. It was true and you couldn’t deny it because it was sitting in a pile on your bed.

Pictures,

Black Feathers,

Pictures,

Wuthering Heights,

Pictures,

Magazine articles,

…more pictures.

You packed them away, one by one into a little wooden box. You knew where home was you just couldn’t get there. Lea was your home…and fairytales lied.

Closure.

You’d come to the conclusion that night, with Jenna, Naya, and Heather that you needed closure. They convinced you that it was the slow fading away that wouldn’t let you let go. You’d agreed, reluctantly…after all you really didn’t want to be broken anymore.

“Lea, can I talk to you?”

Her face was surprised but she nodded and led the way to the deserted hair and make up room.

“Dianna I just…”

You cut her off because if you let her talk, if you listened to her voice, you’d shatter even more.

“I looked down and you were gone Lea… not only were you gone but you had moved on, with Theo. I was broken, I still am. I was lost; I couldn’t find my way home because you were my home Lea”

She was looking at you with tears in her deep brown eyes, glistening on her lashes but not yet falling, you didn’t know why though…she’d disappeared, ran away just out of reach.

“Please Dianna, I need you to listen…It wasn’t, it isn’t….”

Confrontation was not you…at all. You didn’t want this to turn into that. You just want Lea to know that it hurt, that a broken heart hurt. Tears streamed down your cheeks and you were sure your voice would be shaky but you really only had one thing left to say.

“I don’t know what hurts more, thinking that you never loved me or thinking that it was this easy for you to fall out of love with me.”