Crappy Horror Movies for Christmas!
I've been watching a fair few of these over the Christmas period so far, mainly because there's been nothing else on worth watching. It's been an... interesting experience, as you might expect.
Here's what I've seen so far:
Voodoo Moon - Yeah, so I watched it because I was hoping Charisma Carpenter would get naked. No such luck. The plot's basically about this demon or devil who 20 years ago set a town against each other and nearly everyone died, apart from a few which included Carpenter and her brother. Now all grown up, Carpenter's an artist who can see the future and her brother's an exorcist. He then calls together a motley crew of people who owe him favours to defeat this demon once and for all. There's a guy who looks just like Ken Foree, and Jeffrey Combs plays a guy who's so determined to help out his old friend that even getting a broken neck doesn't stop him.
It probably says something that this was actually one of the better movies I've seen over the past week.
Death Valley: The Revenge of Bloody Bill - Oh dear Gods, it's a cheap knock-off of 2000/2001 Maniacs. A Confederate soldier curses the town that killed him and his sister to be zombies, and anyone who enters the boundries of the town is trapped and doomed to become one of the zombies as well, as shown by the way the town's population sign keeps going up. It's got all the usual cliches, including a character who's only there for exposition before he dies, and a bunch of characters so dislikable that you actually want them to get eaten.
Puppet Master Vs Demonic Toys - So this is what happened to Corey Feldman's career. Sad. Toulon's puppets are the good guys in this, and the Demonic Toys are (natch) the bad guys. Some evil woman want's to a) unleash hell on earth on Christmas day through demonically-possessed toys, and b) steal the Toulon puppets to act as her bodyguards. Meanwhile I wanted to a) cry, and b) throw something through the TV screen.
Clive Barker's The Plague - I'm not 100% sure what Barker had to do with this other than being a producer... All kids 9 years and under fall into a coma one day, and no-one knows why. This continues for ten years, with all kids being born during that time also being comatose. Then they wake up, and they're apparently pissed. This all coincides with Dawson from Dawson's Creek getting released from prison, and he has to fight to keep alive and keep his ex-wife, his best-friend and bunch of others alive as well. There's also a heavy layer of religious symbolism in there about whether this is a really slow-burn apocalypse, but really, I couldn't work out what the hell was going on.
2001 Maniacs - OK, this was actually fun. It's the remake of the H. G. Lewis movie from the 60s, and they've concentrated on as much gore and exploitation as they could manage, and Robert Englund. Basically, a bunch of the usual obnoxious college students find themselves in the town of Pleasant Valley, just as the townspeople are holding a jubilee celebration, complete with barbeque. What they don't realise is that the town is actually cursed, and the residents are seeking to take revenge against the North for butchering them in the Civil War... and that the barbeque's menu is all Long Pig...
Here's what I've seen so far:
Voodoo Moon - Yeah, so I watched it because I was hoping Charisma Carpenter would get naked. No such luck. The plot's basically about this demon or devil who 20 years ago set a town against each other and nearly everyone died, apart from a few which included Carpenter and her brother. Now all grown up, Carpenter's an artist who can see the future and her brother's an exorcist. He then calls together a motley crew of people who owe him favours to defeat this demon once and for all. There's a guy who looks just like Ken Foree, and Jeffrey Combs plays a guy who's so determined to help out his old friend that even getting a broken neck doesn't stop him.
It probably says something that this was actually one of the better movies I've seen over the past week.
Death Valley: The Revenge of Bloody Bill - Oh dear Gods, it's a cheap knock-off of 2000/2001 Maniacs. A Confederate soldier curses the town that killed him and his sister to be zombies, and anyone who enters the boundries of the town is trapped and doomed to become one of the zombies as well, as shown by the way the town's population sign keeps going up. It's got all the usual cliches, including a character who's only there for exposition before he dies, and a bunch of characters so dislikable that you actually want them to get eaten.
Puppet Master Vs Demonic Toys - So this is what happened to Corey Feldman's career. Sad. Toulon's puppets are the good guys in this, and the Demonic Toys are (natch) the bad guys. Some evil woman want's to a) unleash hell on earth on Christmas day through demonically-possessed toys, and b) steal the Toulon puppets to act as her bodyguards. Meanwhile I wanted to a) cry, and b) throw something through the TV screen.
Clive Barker's The Plague - I'm not 100% sure what Barker had to do with this other than being a producer... All kids 9 years and under fall into a coma one day, and no-one knows why. This continues for ten years, with all kids being born during that time also being comatose. Then they wake up, and they're apparently pissed. This all coincides with Dawson from Dawson's Creek getting released from prison, and he has to fight to keep alive and keep his ex-wife, his best-friend and bunch of others alive as well. There's also a heavy layer of religious symbolism in there about whether this is a really slow-burn apocalypse, but really, I couldn't work out what the hell was going on.
2001 Maniacs - OK, this was actually fun. It's the remake of the H. G. Lewis movie from the 60s, and they've concentrated on as much gore and exploitation as they could manage, and Robert Englund. Basically, a bunch of the usual obnoxious college students find themselves in the town of Pleasant Valley, just as the townspeople are holding a jubilee celebration, complete with barbeque. What they don't realise is that the town is actually cursed, and the residents are seeking to take revenge against the North for butchering them in the Civil War... and that the barbeque's menu is all Long Pig...