ugh
James been being kind of an ass lately.. like he doesnt give a shit about anything. god fucking damnit.. not a day goes by that I dont wish that I didnt fucking love him. maybe I just suck at life.. lately its even been getting too painful to even talk to him anymore.. even over the internet.. I just miss him so much, and for saying that I love him, I wish I could fucking kill myself. (no im not gonna really committ suicide, but at times, I HAVE thought of it..) I fucking hate emotions and I wish I couldnt fall in love until I met the person I was going to marry. I fucking hate all of this shit. I wish I didnt fall in love so easily. I wish that when I DID fall in love, it wasnt this intense.. and I wish I could stop loving somebody on demand. it seems as though James is always lingering in the back of my mind.. no matter what. anything I ever do anymore, Im always at elast somewhat thinking of James. I fucking hate it. I dont want to fall in love anymore. I wish I really COULD NOT fall in love until I meet the person Im going to spend the rest of my life with. I hate these emotions im always feeling. I hate how I cant do anything without thinking of him. I hate how I fall in love so easily. I hate how when I say I love somebody, its always perminant. I hate how I treat every relationship that im in, like a marriage. I hate that I get to attatched to guys so easily. I fucking HATE it. I wish this would all just end. I cant fucking stand it anymore. everything I do reminds me of him. going to the mall, me and james went to the mall a lot... go into best buy.. me and James always went into best buy for CDs.. go to the movies.. me and James used to see a lot of movies.. Queen of the Damned(if i rent it).. me and James watched that once.. everything I listen to, reminds me of him.. Arch Enemy.. james like heavy metal. Megadeth.. james got me INTO megadeth.. Metallica.. james got me into metallica.. Bikini Kill.. I used to listen to them when we were on the phone.. Alice in Chains.. james liked alice in chains.. Iron Maiden.. James always got mad if I blasted iron maiden... Ozzy.. i burned the songs from blizzard onto my computer from his cd when he left it here once.. everything I see reminds me of him.. my room.. me and james had some good times in there(hah).. my bed.. we used to lay on my bed and talk the entire time he was over.. my computer chair.. james loved sitting in this chair.. my phone.. got some good pictures of us together on my phone.. my TV.. watched a fair amount of movies on it with him....etc... EVERYTHING FUCKING REMINDS ME OF HIM. I cant get rid of it.. ive tried so fucking hard to NOT think of him.. I just cant.. as mentioned before, not ONE fucking day goes by that I dont wish that I didnt love him. call them cheesy emo quotes, but "should I cry because its over, or smile because it happened?" ... "the worst way to miss somebody is to be standing right beside them, knowing you cant have them." fuck james, fuck love, fuck life, fuck everything.