Part 12: Bert and Ernie
@RossHunter01
I didn't know Afghanistan looked like Wales...
@StreetcarJr
@RossHunter01 Shows what you know... here, have a clip from a BBC documentary http://youtube.com/ashDF3
Simon shades his eyes, looking out at the scenery. "How did they get it this sunny?"
"Human sacrifice." Kemal says, producing his fatigues. "Are you sure you're going to be okay wearing something that has pigment in it?"
"Funny." Simon replies, taking them off him. "If you want to be worried about someone, be worried about Ross. he's been wailing about his coat."
"Wailing?" Kemal asks. "You're kidding, right?"
"Sniffling as well. And sulking. I had to drag him out of the flat. In the end I enlisted the cat." Simon says, pulling his own t-shirt off and the uniform vest on.
"The cat?" Kemal asks, handing him the shirt and dog tags. "Are you telling me you still haven't named it yet?"
"Ross tried, but it looked at him and dug a claw into his hand pointedly, so we reckoned it had views." Simon shrugs. "it knows who it is, it just about deigns to wear a collar, we're good."
"You know your place." Kemal grins. "Man, my sister's like this about her cat."
"Yep. We serve it food and keep it in catnip, it graces us with its presence." Simon says, shedding his jeans and pulling the combat trousers Kemal hands him on. he stretches. "Right, soldier mode engaged."
"You have a soldier mode? Seriously, bruv?" Kemal asks.
"Played a few of them." Simon says. "It's a state of mind. Involves having 'cocksucker' coming out of your mouth every two seconds."
"Right, so you turn into my cousin. Good to know." Kemal passes over the socks and
boots. "So what're you filming today?"
"Initial attraction." Simon grins. "You know, the 'okay, they're interesting...' moment
and the other person looks back."
"Cool. So you think he's fit, then what?" Kemal asks.
"Then we get tapped for top secret project, get our bodies completely rewired and he
develops an unhealthy obsession with his coat and we kick alien ass on a mad
englishwoman's orders." Simon runs a hand through his hair. "It's a living."
Simon strolls out to see Ross leaning against one of the jeeps they've brought in for the whole army camp thing. Ross whistles. "Oh, very nice. Soldier boy's a good look
for you, Si."
"Yeah, well, the question is whether you'll be convincing." Simon says, stepping close
and tugging Ross's shirt into place. "Jeez, have some respect for the uniform, will you?
You look like you've been rolling around in it. You don't do this with your normal
clothes."
"Yessir." Ross grins, submitting to the attention. "It's like a whole new you."
"Some of us have done this before. Stand up straighter and you might get there some time next century." Simon says, cuffing him on the back of the head.
"Given that I'm supposed to be spending the whole of the next shot lounging against
the jeep glaring at you, think that's not so helpful..." Ross smirks, reaching out and
tugging Simon's dog tags out of his shirt, squinting at the writing. "What did they give
you for a name?"
Simon tugs them out of his hand. "Simon Kowalski."
"You're fucking kidding me." Ross says in disbelief.
"It's not like they're going to be in close up." Simon says. "You know costume, they like the details. had to put something on there."
Ross frowns. "Yeah, but..."
"What did they put on yours, doofus?" Simon asks, holding his hand out for Ross's.
Ross pulls his out from his shirt for Simon's perusal. Simon snorts on reading it. "M.
D. Nighter. You are fucking kidding. You are such a muppet."
Ross tugs them back, pouting. "I didn't want to mess up continuity. and muppet? Someone's been listening to Mei."
"Next, I develop an addiction to Top Gear and gain the ability to rattle off engine stats." Simon smirks.
"Please don't, i like my sanity." Ross says. "And what would the cat say? You'd be
interrupting its tv schedule."
"You never know, the cat might like it. Hammond is basically a gerbil in human form.
small rodents, good for chasing..." Simon grins. Ross pokes him. "Formula one?"
"No fucking car shows, you." Ross replies, poking him again. Simon catches his
finger, tugging on it.
"Oi, lovebirds, stop flirting and get over here!" comes the yell from over by the tents
where the crew's lurking.
Simon keeps his grip on Ross' finger and tows him with him. Ross blinks. "Seriously,
you know you're walking completely differently? I mean, Apollo, you're clearly trained
and so on, but this is..."
"Clothes make the performance, you know that." Simon says. "I associate this shit
with having to do specific body language. So shape up or ship out."
"...Okay, I think i've got a new kink. Use that tone of voice again and I might have to
jump you in front of all the crew." Ross grins.
"You've got to jump me anyway in front of all of them." Simon points out. "Alley
scene, remember?"
"I'm willing to help it along by practicing." Ross says. "Method. You know. Work for
my art."
They come to a halt in front of the crew. "We weren't flirting." Simon says, dropping
Ross' finger.
"Please. You're more coupley than the twosome of musical evil and tapdancing."
Laura says.
"Reminds me, have you two got around to shagging yet?" Jinty asks.
"none of your business." Ross says.
"yes it is, there's money riding on it." Jinty replies. "We're good to go, Laura."
"Right, places, Staff Sergeant Apollo, in from the entrance, Midnighter the whatever
your rank is, maps." Laura says. "first meeting. Sadly it's not a meet cute, but what
can you do."
"You know he's got M. D. Nighter on his dog tags?" Simon asks as he strides into
position just outside the tent. "Such. A. Muppet."
"I've told you, I will not allow the cat to watch Top Gear!" Ross yells.
Laura shakes her head. "i don't want to know what that was about. Please don't tell
me, I like my brain uncluttered."
The-carrier.net
Overheard on Set
Why is there a sheep on set? it's not even a blow-up sheep, i'd understand that from
the makeup department, they're sick, sick people.
Ah, the joy of applying dirt to fifty extras in DPM. Do you think I need to apply more
dirt to the cute one over there?
There was a camera man around a minute ago, I swear there was...
The cat will watch Top Gear over my dead body! I don't care how much Hammond
looks like an oversized gerbil, it's not good for its development!
You see that sheep? That's lamb koftas right there. Tasty, tasty lamb koftas.
Simon sips from a bottle in the bar they've set up for this scene, while all the extras
shoot the shit. Over in the corner, Ross is brooding. he looks up, the cameras catch a
protacted exchange of stares.
"....And cut." Laura says. "Very nice eye-fucking there, but it's not like you've not got
enough practice at it."
Simon sighs. "What do we have to do to stop you saying that?"
"Given this entire episode is about the two of you falling in love, not any time soon."
She comments. "Now everyone get to the alley, we have a blow job to film.
Remember, no asking, no telling, and Ross, don't you dare give Simon a hickey again,
make-up nearly killed you last time, I don't care how much Rory paid you, he had to
give all the money to make-up anyway."
Simon shoves Ross up against the wall in the alley, kissing him and biting at his throat,
pulling aside his collar to avoid getting a mouthful of cloth. Ross groans, fisting his
hands in the front of Simon's shirt and pulling him back up for another rough kiss,
Simon pressing him up against the wall as they kiss, grinding his hips into Ross's. The
kiss goes on for long enough that they take a breath for air, panting heavily. Simon
dives in for another kiss, then starts pulling at Ross's belt, sliding a hand in as Ross
grips his ass.
"Yeah." He pants again. "You know you want it."
"What is this, cheap porn?" Ross grits out. "i'm not fucking doing this because I like
you. You're a grinning idiot. Get on with it."
Simon stops, gripping Ross's bulge. "Say please." He smirks, tracing a line down
Ross's jaw with his other hand, tipping his chin up.
"Fuck. Off." Ross groans.
"And here I thought you were an uncommunicative bastard." Simon smirks again,
sinking to his knees and opening Ross' fly, rubbing his cheek against what's exposed.
"Annnnd cut." Laura says. "Everyone take five, I need to check the angle on the shot
where you went to your knees.
Ross pulls Simon to his feet, and by that he means pulls Simon against him as he
does. "I thought there was a no hickey rule. You were biting."
Simon pokes at his neck. "Carefully calculated, no teeth Marks. check with make-up
if you don't believe me." He gives him a peck on the cheek. "Now do your fly up, you
want to give them that much of a show?
The-carrier.net
Filming in Afghanistan
Or rather what's passing for it right now, which is a spot of countryside in Wales.
Already I've heard enough sheep jokes to last a lifetime. This is the origin ep of
Apollo and Midnighter, which means while we're out filming in the wilds, the rest of the
cast and crew are either taking a rest or working on scenes in other episodes back in
Pinewood. The crew have told me I'm not allowed to use this trip to Wales as a Doctor
Who and Torchwood location spotting holiday. i find this deeply unfair. Mind you, I haven't seen any quarries yet.
@RossHunter01
Today, we get our very own team. Handing out the red shirts.
@StreetcarJr
@RossHunter01 Don't be mean.
@RossHunter01
@StreetcarJr Not being mean, being realistic. Plus: comic.
Simon holds his hand out. “Hi, I’m Simon, this reprobate’s Ross.” He pauses. “Don’t worry, we have him under tight control.”
“I deny everything, he needs treatment for his mental illness.” Ross says cheerfully. “He’s very pretty and has nice muscles but that’s about it.”
“Anyway, basics: there are jaffa cakes, the tea and coffee is okay, don’t touch the Garibaldis, make-up has dibs and they’ll be wielding pointy things near your face.” Simon finishes. “The second mens’ bathroom, you have to hold the lever down to get the toilets to flush. The womens’ near the entrance always runs out of paper.” He pauses. “I think that’s all the important things you need to know.”
Ross nudges him. “Parvi. They need to know about Parvi.”
“Oh. yeah. Parvi in costuming occasionally goes batshit. If you start to see her go a bit manic, offer chocolate. There are chocolate stores in the costume areas and the makeup areas, ask the others where they are if you don't have any on you. It's safer for us all.”
“...he is kidding, right?” Stephen asks.
Ross shakes his head. “Carry it anyway and watch for the twitching.”
@StreetcarJr
The new recruits don’t believe me about the chocolate. They will learn.
@BellaGarcia
@StreetcarJr If we’re talking parvi, I’m prediciting the next outbreak will be tuesday. We who are about to die salute you.
@StreetcarJr
@BellaGarcia There is no Parvi. There is only ZOOL.
@BellaGarcia
@StreetcarJr I'm telling her you said that.
@Streetcarjr
@BellaGarcia I go armed with a 400g bar of Galaxy. She’ll forgive me.
@BellaGarcia
@Streetcarjr Ah, the ‘keep calm and carry chocolate’ defence.
It's about 2-ish in the afternoon, just after the lunch rush has died down, and in the corner of a pub, three writers, one director, one assistant director and two actors are assembled.
Ross scratches his head as he looks at the annotated script. "Not that I'm not grateful for the additional screentime and opportunity to torment Simon, but why'd you change it? and why am i even in this scene if it's Apollo getting his powers?" he frowns. "Besides, Apollo and Midnighter were built, not naturally superpowered."
Greg opens the mini cheddars. "Pretty simple. We need a link into the final arc of Change or Die. we've been dropping little bits in each episode of one of the High's group doing something, even if it's just someone in the background observing or doing something that no-one's going to have any idea is actually significant. If we have some of the doomed Justice League activated, that means we can get Wish in as the consultant doing that. Midnighter, still technically human since most of his changes are neural, and that's plausible if far-fetched procedure." He frowns, looking down at his notes. "Or at least that's what Warren's whisky-stained ancient notebook that he unearthed from the bowels of a rancid badger says." He puts a cheddar in his mouth, chews, swallows and continues. "Apollo, it's surgical procedure that would be verging into the realms of magic, you'd have to re-write his DNA for it at the very least, and as we've not specifically referred to any other 'built' super powered beings, it's plausible that he could've been identified as a latent powered human. One little push to his dna and there you go. hence Wish."
Ross nods. "...Okay, that makes sense."
Simon blinks, sipping his pint. "Greg, do you have a silver tongue or something? You just managed to persuade him that it was okay to deviate slightly from his most holy canon."
"How do you think we managed to pitch this job?" Mark says.
"By being jammy gits is what I presumed." Ross grins, then taps the script again. "Okay, we've got that down. My other question: if it's Apollo's procedure, why is Midnighter in the scene? Doubt they're down as next of kin at this stage, and I really doubt the secret military experiment people would even care about that kind of thing."
"Simple." Mark says. "He's there as insurance. At this stage, Midnighter's procedure is successful, so he's pretty much the only person they can get their hands on who can take Apollo down if his procedure is successful and he goes Hulk on them and there's a bad case of 'Apollo smash'."
Simon makes an interested noise. "I'd really like to try that some time. Especially if Ross is in the firing line."
"If this is going to turn into another of your bitching matches about the laundry, I've been given permission to gag both of you." Laura says. "Okay, does that answer all your questions so we can get on with the read-through?"
Ross raises a hand. "Is Apollo going to be shirtless? I'd just like to know so I can document it for our incredibly perverted fans."
"Apollo will be wearing a t-shirt if i have anything to say about it." Simon mutters. "The nakedness in this ep isn't enough for you?"
"Just so long as it's a tight t-shirt." Ross says, poking him in the bicep.
@StreetcarJr
APOLLO SMASH.
@RossHunter01
@StreetcarJr I was very disappointed you didn't turn green. Try harder.
@Streetcarjr
@RossHunter01 APOLLO SMASH PUNY MIDNIGHTER AND STEAL ALL THE JAFFA CAKES.
@RossHunter01
@StreetcarJr... You go too far. The fight is *on*, my friend.
Donna winces on looking round the very dank concrete room with miscellaneous pipes running around it, with added bubbling bits and screens added in by the set dressers. "I'm guessing this is the underground testing site where we're meeting our deaths."
"Yep." Ross says cheerfully. "In an acid bath, no less. There's classy."
Simon nudges him. "Who was the one making comments about me spending too much time around Mei?"
Ross eyes him. "I'm blaming indoctrination. And that Dr Who marathon where we got very pissed."
Simon slings an arm round him. "It's okay, it's not your fault you're now using Briticisms for getting drunk too."
Ross hangs his head. "I'm never going to hear the end of it, am I?"
"Nope, not in this lifetime if I have anything to say about it." Simon smirks, putting his hand on Ross' head and giving it a shake. "Go on, get into the vague area of your mark.
The-Carrier.net
Reports from set
I think the set dressers managed to find the dankest bit of set they could in the entirety of Pinewood. Today, we're filming the death of Apollo and Midnighter's first team, which involves a swathe of reddish liquid engulfing them. Costume are weeping and gnashing their teeth and hoping even more than the director that this will work first take, since getting the red stuff out of the costumes is going to be a complete nightmare, and they've only got so many copies. Ross is smug in the knowledge that the leather coat is wipe clean and the red liquid won't show on the black underneath. Simon is looking completely blasé about it, since the white combats show everything even under the murky lights this set's due to be bathed in, and costume has an entire rack of clean ones ready to be defacead according to the scene's notes at a moment's notice. The runners are standing by with mops and cloths for quick drying as it is. Everyone's a bit nervous as it is, since there's the possibility of leakage into the next room, or that vents and pipes won't spill the water properly.
ONTD_Authority
We are wet and red.
image: a set of actors in costume, including Ross and Simon, all with arms crossed and glowering at the camera in . Ross and Simon are the only ones not dripping red liquid, but Simon has got it on his face.
Latest pic tweeted from set is of Ross, Simon and a bunch of other actors in costume. Everyone's got red on them. Including Simon, who's the only one *not* dripping. Who thinks the red smeared on his face is due to Ross? No, we won't take your money. Judging by the costumes - slightly adapted, of course, since this appears to be a no-spandex series - it's the Apollo and Midnighter flashback episode that's been rumoured.
Elbowchild:
What, no shirtless pics? I'm feeling a bit deprived
>Kylea:
Possibly becasue it wasn't Ross taking the picture? *GRIN*
>Flashfwd:
I NEED MY SHIRTLESS SIMON. *cries*
Mirrormask:
Ooo, does this mean we might get a cameo of Henry Bendix?
>L4yercake
THAT WOULD BE AWESOME BEYOND BELIEF
>Geegeet
They've not said anything about Stormwatch, but then the scripts appear to be locked up tighter than a badger's nadgers. Even though we're getting a pretty good idea of what storylines are being filmed, thanks to The Carrier, still no details...
>>Lalalilo
The God Comes Back episode'll be very interesting...
“Okay, everyone know their cues? Ross, you finish, Simon, then you, look up, lines, then go into defensive.” Laura says. “Everyone ready? Shoo, get to your marks.”
“Yessir.” Simon says.
“Annnnnd.... cue rain.”
A fine light rain starts coming down on set. The actors playing suits get on the floor, and positioned according to the previous shots, and the last bit of make-up applied to them. Ross and the last suit walk to their marks. “Okay... lights. turn them down a fraction. Annnnd... Roll ‘em.”
Ross grabs the front of the suit’s jacket and aims a punch at him, the stuntman takes it and falls, landing on the foam they’ve painted to meld in with the alley floor. Simon picks up one of the guns, examining it.
Ross cocks his head. “Anything?”
“same guns as we found in Baltimore.” Simon says. “They've got to be coming from the same source.” he frowns, crouching down to get the wallet out of the man in front of him’s suit. He rifles through the wallet, then the other pockets, and frowns. “no lawyer’s card. What kind of gunrunner doesn't carry a lawyer’s card?”
“A very fucking weird one.” Ross replies, tying the man he’s just knocked down’s thumbs together.
“hang on.” Simon says. “Got something.” he holds up a leather wallet, and flips it open.
Ross glances at it, and smiles grimly. “CIA. thought so, the specs they've been shifting don't make any sense for normal gunrunners.” He crouches down and taps the man he’s got at his feet on his chin. “Talk to me. I can press my fingers right through your skull. now tell me where these things came from.”
The stunt man gasps as Ross grips his chin and groans. “The garden. The Nevada garden.” He swallows. “...Kill me now.”
Ross shoves his fingers into his mouth before he can clamp his jaw down, then smiles. “No suicide pill. Guess government lackeys aren't paid enough.”
Simon nods, and crushes the gun he’s folding. “I don't like this. But how the fuck do we track it down?”
Just over Ross's shoulder there’s the glow of a lighter being turned on and a fag being lit. Angel blows out some smoke as they turn at the realisation of someone behind them. “You’ve had your fun pissing about. Want to do some real work?”
“annnnnnd. Cut.” Laura says. “Right, bodies, stay there, Idris, get up and prepare to fall over and be menaced again. Angel, put that cigarette out. Simon, Ross, no kissing.”
“Can we turn the water off?” Simon asks.
“Depends.” Laura says. “Has anyone got me a cup of tea yet?”
The-Carrier.net
Overheard on set
I want mushroom stroganoff. Are we sure the bar staff didn't leave any when they fled for the hills?
Oh. Smoke in a pub. i remember that...
Someone tell the vampire to stop mugging, he's supposed to be menacing the deeply unimpressed Teddy Boy.
Kray Twin number 24, can you report to wardrobe, your hair is... slipping.
Can you hear that? that's the scream of someone who forgot to duck on coming back from the loo. Music to the ears of my shortarse self.
Warrenellis.com
Once again I was lured back to the production set of The Authority, that widescreen vomit comic of mine currently being filmed by HBO, the mad rich weasel of quality programming that it is. They use insane actors who double as stuntmen and singing tapdancers and wield medieval weapons - handy for when the other side has run out of bullets and on your side during the zombie apocalypse, but everyone has to have their little quirks. This time, i was not forced to face going through Slough, that questionable habitation that emits a constant miasma of despair as depicted by Ricky Gervais to gain access to the filming site. No, instead, I was given arcane instructions that indicated that they would be in the Cheshire Cheese on Fleet St, once a haunt of Dickens and Pepys and later colonised by journalists. Sometime in the last decade it has been given a new paint job.
On arrival, I was sadly not given a pint, but instead met with the general array of filming, the pub cordoned off and large vans parked outside. Given that the entrance to the pub is down and alley and the doors to the establishment are notoriously tiny, the lintels stained with the blood of centuries of unwary punters who forget to duck when passing through in their inebriated state. Inside, they were filming a flashback scene for Jenny Sparks in her natural habitat, a pub filled with the most disreputable characters they could find. Several of whom had managed to avoid the make-up artists and were almost certainly kidnapped off the streets, looking all the more horrific for it.
After being greeted by Angel, who was her usual foul-mouthed lovely self 'And in desperate need of a drink, the bastards have made the staff disconnect the kegs and wired them up with stuff that doesn't contain alcohol. and the kitchen isn't working. Seriously, this place does a mushroom stroganoff to die for, and that's not even mentioning the pies. It's a crime.' although made up to look as hungover as possible. 'Drew provided them with photographic evidence and then they exagerrated it, so it's all method.', I was escorted downstairs and squeezed in behind the camera equipment to watch the scene being filmed. the downstairs of the Cheshire Cheese, for those who haven't been there, is made up of the nooks and crannies of a wine cellar and general storage space, and I'm amazed that they managed to get people in there, let alone the camera equipment. I suspect they starve the assistants especially for the purpose of trying to navigate possibly the smallest space in a London pub you can find. On the second take, instead of being left alone to quietly observe, the director, a man known only as Motty, turned, beckoned to me, and I was directed to a table behind Angel and the actor attempting to impart information to her, and handed a glass of coloured fluid, having been cheerfully informed I looked disrespectable enough to be one of the regulars. I took offence to this, as i haven't worked at a newspaper in years. One of the assistants hurried over with a battered Penguin for me to peruse between pretending to drink. On closer examination, the coloured fluid that outwardly resembled cheap scotch was not scotch. Angel had been right and there was clearly some cruel experiment going on here.
As the director yelled action, a faint scream echoed from up the stairs. the low lintel had claimed another victim.