So I spent 2 hours in the dark on the sofa last night....
Maybe I'm just not strong enough to handle living with Michael. It's making it too tough to let go, waking up to him snuggling me, kissing me on the forehead before he goes out, or telling me he loves me. I could roll it off if i didn't love him back, or if I could tell myself he's no longer hot and sexy to me. But he is. Every moment I see him i just want to grab him and sniff him, cover him in kisses and hug and squeeze him tightly and tell my precious dragon that his tiger cub is here to stay. I want to drop to the floor and honor every inch of his beautiful body..
But I'm really at a loss since last night when we went to dinner. He informed me (in an "I just discovered" tone) that our mutual friend was planning a camping trip to Florida for his birthday and had made all the arrangements and invites. So even though he's made a big deal about how I'm still his best friend, and how he'd like to go camping with me, I don't get an invite. Further more, I find out from our friend he's known of these plans since December, and our friend assumed he had told me all about the trip plans. I probably would not have gone anyways, as I know he needs his space, but the consideration would have been thoughtful, even though I really need to get out to nature myself.
I imagine he doesn't want me causing the same heart ache he caused me over MY birthday vacation, but sadly I didn't have the choice or hindsight to not invite him to New Orleans.
I should just be thankful he told me last night and did not wait any longer, since I was already starting plans for a group trip for his birthday.
Maybe this wouldn't be so stressful if I didn't hurt so much, physically and emotionally. I've started stretching and working out again. I've been reading one book for pleasure (Looking Glass wars) and another book on understanding your body. Overall i feel far more together than i have in the past, but my heart keeps getting hit with daggers.
My legs, shoulders, and thighs are still sore from exercise the other day. I need a massage. I finally got about 40 minutes out of Michael a couple nights ago, after patiently asking him every couple days for a month. Even though he's always states how he enjoys working on me and gets more out of me than many of his other clients Complete strangers can get 90 minutes of massage from him for free, yet he throws his hands in the air after 40 minutes and runs off to read a book leaving me there to work on myself. I still have scars on my arms from Shingles from November. I need to start working on rubbing that out. But it's not really something i can easily do on my own, since the scars are on my good arm.
I know it time it will get better, eventually I will get past it, I will be able to let go of all those amazing moments we had together, and realize that it was all in the past.
In time I will be able to care about you, without lusting after you.