All the Times I Held You (and yet you still didn’t come to me)
Pairing(s): Chanyeol/Sehun; mentions Chansoo, Chankai,,& Chanyeol/Chen
Rating: NC-17
Warning(s): language, mature content, cheating
Length:3,228 words
Summary: Chanyeol’s always dreamed of the perfect love and through many trials and many errors, he fails to see that the one person who loves him the most is living in the same apartment.
***This was written for vvipforseungri during Yeolliepopday!***
“Sehun! Have you seen my sweater?” Chanyeol calls from the depths of his bedroom.
“You wore it last week and it got washed! I have it right here in the basket.”
“Good lord,” Chanyeol rushes out and digs it out of the basket in Sehun’s arms, not even minding that the basket is overflowing and extremely difficult to hold while someone rummages through for one piece of clothing, “Sehun, you said it was here so where is it?”
Chanyeol looks up at him and sees Sehun’s face covered by the clothes he’s jostled around trying to find it. In a muffled voice Chanyeol can hear Sehun say, “It’s on my face, Yeol. Underneath the pair of Avengers boxers you just put there.”
“Well, why didn’t you say so?” Chanyeol discards the boxers and finds his sweater right on Sehun’s face like he said.
A knock on the door surprises them both and Chanyeol grips the towel around his waist and harshly whispers to Sehun, “I’m not finished getting ready yet. Let him in and make small talk while I finish getting ready.”
“Is this another one of those dates that you found on that website?”
“Actually no. He’s a student in law school who I met at the coffee shop. He’s got the most adorable heart-shaped smile and he’s really smart to. Don’t just stand there! Let him in.”
“Fine, fine. Just go get ready.”
Setting down the laundry basket in the corner of the room, Sehun threw a couple pillows that had fallen off the couch back on and did a really fast sweep on the room before a second knock came to the door.
“Sehun! Let him in!”
“Okay! Give me a second! Jeez, you’re cranky today.”
Sehun looks down at himself. He’s in sweatpants that are a size too small and a too loose hoodie wearing Iron Man slippers. Oh well.
Sehun clicks open the door and is surprised when he sees that Chanyeol’s date is slightly shorter than him. He’s wearing jeans and a simple black button down.
“Hi? Is Chanyeol home? My names Kyungsoo.” his voice is deep and the words roll of his tongue with ease and the fact that he’s smiling so widely sort of bothers Sehun a little bit.
“He’s here, he’s just running a little late. Would you like to come in?”
“Sure, thank you.”
Sehun simply nods and presses his lips into a flat line.
“So are you Chanyeol’s housemate?”Kyungsoo asks as he looks at the photos on the mantle.
“Yeah. We’ve known each other since we were kids. We became friends and when we finished high school, we decided to share an apartment. Cheaper than living alone, so.”
“I get it. Law school isn’t exactly cheap and so I live in my friend's apartment while he’s away overseas-Chanyeol! Hey.”
Sehun spins around to find, Chanyeol standing in the archway decked out in a simple pair of jeans and the sweater he dug out of the laundry. The smell of his cologne hung thick in the air, almost like he had dumped the whole bottle on himself, but Sehun didn’t mind it.
“Chanyeol we should get going if we’re gonna catch the movie on time.”
“Right! So, uh, Sehun. I’m probably gonna be home late so don’t wait up! Later!”
“Bye, Sehun! It was nice to meet you.” Kyungsoo comments as he walks out the door.
Sehun would think that he’d be use to this by now, but he’s not.
He’s so not.
In fact, he feels so alone when he’s by himself. And the worst part is the feeling he gets when he sees Chanyeol walk out the door with someone else, all smiles and oh so charming appearance. Sehun thinks that the sound of two people leaving, when one of them is the person he loves, is the loneliest sound of all.
Later that night, Sehun’s lying in bed, wide awake lost in thought, when he hears the sound of keys turning and the swinging of the door against the wall. Sehun creeps to his door and cracks it enough to see out into the moonlit living room.
He can see to people who he assumes to be Kyungsoo and Chanyeol. They’re laughing, trying not to wake the neighbors or what they would assume to be a sleeping Sehun.
When Sehun sees Chanyeol pull Kyungsoo close and kiss him, the tears that he held back start to overflow.
The next morning, Sehun crawls out of bed and heads to the kitchen for breakfast. Turning the coffee pot on, Sehun moves to making the pancakes. Since he’s still half asleep while doing all of this, it’s all the more terrifying when Chanyeol and Kyungsoo waltz in through the front door with one more person behind them.
“Yo, Sehun. I brought donuts and we may have picked up a straggler. Sehun meet Baekhyun, he’s Kyungsoo’s cousin. Baekhyun this is my housemate, Sehun.”
“Hey.”
“Hi” Sehun yawns out.
Even in his tired state, Sehun can tell that there’s something not quite right about Kyungsoo and Baekhyun.
They’re friendly.
Almost
too friendly
When Chanyeol leave the two of them to go to the bathroom, they’re sitting on the couch, talking and laughing. When Baekhyun slings an arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulders, Sehun opens the fridge and peeks at them through the small opening between the door and watches them, acting like he’s searching for something.
When Kyungsoo leans closer to Baekhyun’s face and gently kisses him, Sehun’s eyes widen at the infidelity.
Not able to stand by and watch this happen, Sehun shuts the door and and takes his seat by the island in the kitchen.
“So for being cousin’s you two are sorta close aren’t ya? Although, where I come from we call that would be called a form of incest...which is illegal by the way, but you should know that Kyungsoo, right? Being in law school and all.”
“Hmm, this one has a sharp tongue on him. Maybe we shouldn’t do this here. He might say something to Chanyeol.” Baekhyun comments.
“Nah...I don’t think he will. He’s too soft spoken and he wouldn’t dare hurt his best friend.”
“Hmm, I guess you’re right, Kyungsoo. Now where were we?”Baekhyun smiles deviously as he pulls Kyungsoo close for another kiss again.
The snap of a phone camera makes them both shutter and spring apart. The only thing they see is Sehun standing there, phone at hand and the camera lense pointed towards them.
“You son of a bitch! Delete it! Right now! or I’ll-”
“You’ll what?” a deep voice cuts through the noise. The room falls dead silent and all eyes turn to Chanyeol who is leaning against the wall arms crossed over his chest. “You’ll do what, Kyungsoo? Because as far as I know, you’re nothing but a filthy little liar and a cheater.”
“Yeollie, baby, you don’t understand! Sehun for-”
“Sehun didn’t force you to do anything! Y-you lied to me, Kyungsoo. H-how could you?”
A smirk appeared on Kyungsoo’s face. “I’m gonna be a lawyer someday, Chanyeol. And the best lawyers in the world are liars. They’re the ones who aren’t afraid to get a little dirty.”
“Get out,” the words almost come out as a whisper the first time around. When they didn’t budge, Chanyeol raised his voice, “I said- GET OUT. Now! And take your fucking shit with you and don’t ever come back! You hear me??!!”
The volume is enough to make the two scramble off the couch and grab their stuff before bolting out the door.
Sehun put his phone down, mouth still agape at the scene he just witnessed.
“Chanyeol, I-”
“It’s okay, Sehun. I’m not really hungry right now.” Sehun almost misses the tears that roll down his cheeks.
And the smell of burning pancakes doesn’t bother him at all.
Three days later and Chanyeol hasn’t really come out of his room. He only comes out to use the bathroom and shower. Half the time, Sehun sits by the door as the water runs, listening to the broken sobs that rack through Chanyeol’s body.
There’s only been one other time this happened and it’s not something Sehun likes to remember.
Kim Jongdae
This was the first person Chanyeol had a relationship with.
He had just turned 21 and they were out at the bar celebrating. Jongdae approached Chanyeol and bought him a drink. They simply flirted the whole night. Not having been old enough to drink, Sehun took Chanyeol’s car keys and watched as they played drinking games and exchanged sloppy kisses between shots.
That same night, Jongdae came home with them and the sound of drunken sex raged throughout the apartment, loud enough to where the neighbors called the manager and complained. Some even came and banged furiously on the door demanding them to keep it down.
It isn’t until the sounds of heaving into the toilet bowl and waste basket are heard that the romp-a-round sex finally comes to a still.
The next morning, Chanyeol wakes up with a wicked hangover and a broken heart.
Jongdae had left him a note thanking him for the quick fuck. He had also taken most of his money with him.
For the better part of six months, Chanyeol had been depressed. He felt dirty and used. He was so emotionally broken. He didn’t eat for days, then he went into the manic phase when he used physical exercise as a means of feeling better. Chanyeol would go to the gym everyday at sunrise and return at sundown dripping sweat and heaving.
Eventually, after so many tear filled nights, he finally calmed down enough and became his usual happy and cheery self.
Almost too happy. He would walk out like he was coming down from some kind of high, lips pulled tightly into a smile.
fake
Thankfully, for Sehun, Chanyeol doesn’t take six months to recover anymore. Instead it’s more like a week or two. Soon Chanyeol takes Sehun out with some of his old high school friends to go clubbing.
Sehun’s happy to be out and Chanyeol happy again.
When they arrive at the club, the group quickly disappears, leaving Sehun at the table by himself, spinning a vodka tonic in his hand. The bass thrums through the whole building and the lights make everything glow a mystical purple. Sehun’s rainbow locks look all different shades of color.
Soon Chanyeol comes into a clear view.
Sehun immediately rises thinking that Chanyeol wants to take him out onto the dance floor so they can party together.
But much to his dismay, Sehun sees a pair of arms slink around Chanyeol’s shoulders. He can see a pair of lips on his neck and soon he’s being pulled through the crowd and he disappears somewhere among the sea of bodies. Sehun recognizes him as Kim Jongin or, as the other dancers referred to him as, Kai.
Some of the people are noticeably dancing and others look like they could be having sex right on the floor. Which with the way bodies cover bodies they very well could.
Sehun feels his face burn when he sees bodies grinding and the lewd acts happening underneath the cover of bodies and too little clothing.
Making his way into the bathroom he’s pouring water over his face when he hears lewd moans coming from the stalls at the very end of the long row of bathroom stalls. Deep groans came from the stall and he recognizes the pants on the floor as Chanyeol’s.
Slipping out, Sehun leaves a note on the table for the group telling them that he didn’t feel well and he would catch a ride home by taxi.
Sehun’s so upset that even as he walks out the sight of two of the people he came with tonight having sex in the back room doesn’t bother him
The ride home actually turns into a walk home. He didn’t bring his wallet and he’s not all that fond of hitchhiking in the middle of the night.
While he’s walking he only has one thought on his mind.
Why, Chanyeol? Why won’t you open your eyes and look at me? Just how many more times are you going to break my heart? Why won’t you let me love you like I can?
When Sehun gets home, the place is empty, cold, and dark.
lifeless
For the first time in a year, Sehun cries himself to sleep and the next morning there is no breakfast.
Sehun walks out and sees Chanyeol passed out on the couch. Noticing the messy components of glitter and fuzz throughout his hair, Sehun kneels down by Chanyeol’s face and starts pulling the string out. Sehun freezes when Chanyeol stirs. He flops back fearing that he’s woken Chanyeol up, but instead, he just scratches his nose and resumes sleeping.
With gentle fingers, Sehun brushes hair out of Chanyeol’s face admiring the softness of his skin and how peaceful he looks when sleeping. It’s quite a handsome look for him. Chanyeol’s always been such a gentle giant and it’s hard to believe that he gets treated so horribly during the relationships he tries to form.
Sehun traces along Chanyeol’s jaw, enjoying the feeling of his skin.
But the magic is broken when Sehun sees the blossoming hickey forming on the side of his neck.
No doubt a gift from last night in the bathroom
Sehun begins to stand up and move away to clean up the kitchen mess from last night. the grip on his wrist brings him to a sudden stop. Chanyeol’s hand is warm and firm on his wrist. It’s soothing, but Sehun tries to remove his wrist from the grip, but when he tries Chanyeol’s grip only tightens.
Chanyeol mutters something almost inaudible. But to Sehun, it’s clear as day.
Don’t leave me, Sehun. Don’t leave me alone. Please
“I’ve never left you, Chanyeol.”
After sitting there long enough, most of the day has passed. When Chanyeol wakes up, it’s nearly dusk and he can feel a small wrist in his hand. Looking down he sees that he’s got Sehun’s wrist in his grasp.
He must have fallen asleep, but why here? And why was I holding his wrist?
Sehun’s softly snoring by his side. Inspite of the small line of drool creeping out of his mouth.
Chanyeol touches his face, wiping away the little line on his cheek.
He’s so soft and squishy. Even in sleep, Sehun is always with him. How have I never noticed that?
Careful not to jostle him too much, Chanyeol picks up Sehun bridal style and carries him into his bedroom. Gently laying him down on his bed, Chanyeol is overtaken with this sense of warmth and comfort.
What was suppose to be a quick little five minute nap easily turns into deep sleep. Probably the best sleep Chanyeol’s had in years.
When Sehun wakes up, it’s two in the morning. He’s warm. Infinitely warm and comfortable. The arm around his waist is comforting and secure, but what really soothes him is the smell of Chanyeol.
If Sehun didn’t know it was Chanyeol, he probably would have freaked out, but the long, lean body against his is definitely familiar. Addictive.
So warm
Sehun snuggled deeper into Chanyeol’s chest seeking out the welcoming warmth. Sehun relaxes when he feels Chanyeol embrace him.
Oh how he wishes that this moment would last forever.
When Chanyeol wakes up, the room is dark and the little rays of sunlight are peeking in from the bottom of the door.
At some point during the night, Sehun must have snuggled into him. He didn’t mind it so much, in fact, he welcomed it.
Sehun made Chanyeol happy even when he was in one of his deep heartbroken slumps. Sehun would make him food and leave encouraging messages for him.
Chanyeol smooths a hand across Sehun’s cheek, even when Sehun’s hand reaches up to top the motion from happening, he finds he doesn’t want to stop. Sehun is genuine kindness wrapped up in a human being. Never had they fought or argued, or even stormed out mad.
“Chanyeol?” Sehun’s thin voice comes to his ear in the darkness.
When he looks at Sehun, the first thing he notices is how soft his eyes are. A deep chocolate brown with light sparkling cinnamon. The soft curves of his lips are so alluring and smooth.
How have I never noticed this?..
Sehun quickly sits up and starts to rebutton his shirt which had come undone in the middle of the night.
“I-i should get going, I need to do more laun-”
A gentle grip on his wrist says otherwise. “Sehun?”
“Yes?”
“Look at me.” Sehun bows his head a little before slowly looking at Chanyeol. “How have I never noticed how beautiful you are?’
“W-what? Chanyeol, I-”
“No. Stay still and don’t you dare move.” Chanyeol’s voice wasn’t threatening. It was more like a plea.
Sehun watched as Chanyeol knelt on his knees. Large hands caressing his face. When Chanyeol runs a finger over his lips, Sehun can’t suppress the shudder that runs through him. His breathing is uneven and heart racing faster than ever before.
There’s a soft press of lips against his temple and Sehun’s breathing becomes more uneven. He’s not afraid. He’s not. This is just something that he’s not felt before.
Intimacy. Sheer Intimacy.
Another kiss on his cheek. He’s slowly drawing closer to him and Sehun’s more nervous than ever before.
Sehun finds Chanyeol merely millimeters away from his face. Noses gently brushing and soft breaths mingling.
There’s a soft brush of lips against his and he stills. Chanyeol gently cups Sehun’s face in his hands and brings him closer for another kiss and another.
Gentle kisses. Nothing hot and heavy. Simply air. So soft and gentle. When Sehun doesn’t feel Chanyeol’s lips on his, he starts to open his eyes, but a soft moan escapes when he feels them press against his neck. Chanyeol’s hand gently holding him in place.
“Sehun. My Sehun. My sweet Sehun.”
“Chanyeol,” his names comes off Sehun’s lips in the form of a breathy moan, “How long?”
Chanyeol pulls away looking somewhat confused. “How long what?”
“How much longer do I have to wait?”
The kiss that Chanyeol gives him answers everything and Sehun couldn’t feel anything else, but the sheer bliss of pure happiness.