(no subject)
'Remember when I used to make you happy?' I am slipping stuck, me, this terrible flopping partner a curdle in crisis. What to say? I'm sorry. Everything, everything is slipping through your hands. And here I lay wanting. It isn't much, my thistles no love spur. Days ago I take 200 sheets of food service film and tuck the edges tightly around small cakes. In this silent labor, thoughts of you. Where I left off (May) we became the fiction I had wrote, some version, and these recent events follow course. It is to say again, the power of the written word. I stopped writing the story when it began writing itself. I've never envied the protagonist's rises and falls. Shunned that kind of drama. We three tumble down different tunnels, and I want to tell you not to look for me as I spin out: How will I rebuild my life without your precious love? I know better. I want to stand here solid for you, another place to lean, even ever simply as witness. There is no 'used to,' you, this steady pulsing joy, bright laugh, a full love looking to see, without sharp edges, shards, an amber cord of light. I gave you the old words, the befores. Writings with a kind of longing. Not the each time I saw the me in you or the you in me, felt flattened humble or shot through with desire. Simple things said between beer sips. This sort of sudden I see why you do the things you do.
I want to make this simple.
I fight say are you angry prod try to break something that can be more easily mended to not feel so broken
You a wounded fluttering thing sink into sleep between mutters I have no emotions I have nothing for you I love you I love you
Elie comes in each night, hers: I can't fall asleep. She sleeps in my bed, and I feel her knowings.
This lowering down hand over hand into the unsearched
This that which could hunger could starve
Always feels unfamiliar, uncharted
I thought this time once and for all my feelings would be simple. Luke-warm, well-contained, simple. The whatever you have or don't is enough. The take it or leave it. The this is about something else, another kind of relation. More simple. More stable. More safe. I don't need anything. That which could hunger could starve.
Even yet to be able to hold open to the storm: strong, steady, open but not needing.
Few lovers have ever appreciated my words. The cumbersome articulations.
It has always been will always be my fight, my battle, the thing I must carry. My generation. Me and my peers. This kind of family is what I will be fighting for. And you, tender one clung to safety, I do not, will not blame you, the way you flinch at this risk, fish for other solutions. I do not will not blame you. World turned inside out.
Rain comes down the bus windshield now
I want to make this simple.
I fight say are you angry prod try to break something that can be more easily mended to not feel so broken
You a wounded fluttering thing sink into sleep between mutters I have no emotions I have nothing for you I love you I love you
Elie comes in each night, hers: I can't fall asleep. She sleeps in my bed, and I feel her knowings.
This lowering down hand over hand into the unsearched
This that which could hunger could starve
Always feels unfamiliar, uncharted
I thought this time once and for all my feelings would be simple. Luke-warm, well-contained, simple. The whatever you have or don't is enough. The take it or leave it. The this is about something else, another kind of relation. More simple. More stable. More safe. I don't need anything. That which could hunger could starve.
Even yet to be able to hold open to the storm: strong, steady, open but not needing.
Few lovers have ever appreciated my words. The cumbersome articulations.
It has always been will always be my fight, my battle, the thing I must carry. My generation. Me and my peers. This kind of family is what I will be fighting for. And you, tender one clung to safety, I do not, will not blame you, the way you flinch at this risk, fish for other solutions. I do not will not blame you. World turned inside out.
Rain comes down the bus windshield now