Warning...emotional purging ahead...
I don't remember the day my parents told us they were getting divorced very clearly...it was only 7 years ago, but what I remember are feelings, not any words. My mom did most of the talking while my dad mostly just cried. I remember that they stressed it wasn't our fault. I remember they assured us they still wanted to be friends, but wouldn't be able to if they stayed together.
I remember feeling shocked. The kind that feels like you've been punched in the stomach. They had never fought. I never heard them yell. I never knew anything was wrong. But they had been sneaking away to marriage counseling for months. I cried a lot, but felt maybe they were right. It could still be ok. They were still friends and we didn't have to choose between them. Then I remember being kind of numb and not thinking about it.
After a few days I became angry. They had known for months this might be coming and hadn't talked to us until it was already at the end. They made up stories about where they had been going Tuesday nights. They had actually lied.
The anger faded because I do love my parents. And things really did seem ok. My brother and I moved into a new house with mom. Dad came and picked me up every morning to bring me to school and we still spent lots of time with him. He moved in with his friend Kieth only about ten minutes from our new house. My parents really did seem to be doing better apart.
Then at christmas dad gave us our gifts and the card was signed by someone named Val too. He explained it was his girlfriend. I was 17 at this point...old enough to think, it's only been 6 months, isnt that too soon to be dating? But mom said give him a break, hes never been alone.
I tried to like her. I tried to be optimistic. But she was going through her second divorce. She was kind of trashy. But she seemed to be trying really hard to make my brother and I like her. But every so often my mom would say something about her. Something Val had said or done. Little things, but I started to feel uncomfortable. Then my mom got worse. She would flip out about me trying to spend time with dad. Any time I tried to give Val a break. It got to the point where we were fighting constantly and I didn't understand what was happening.
It finally came out...my dad had cheated on her. After all the marriage counseling she had found e-mails between him and another woman. My dad didnt even try to explain himself to her and she thought that he just wanted it to be over, so she gave him what he wanted...the divorce.
She didnt want us to hate our dad so they had agreed to just tell us it was mutual. Leave out that it was really his fault. My brother was only 12 when they told us so I could understand...but I was 17 and old enough to understand if they had just told me. Instead I had been completely confused and miserable no knowing why my mother was so upset, or how it was I was hurting her.
It was about 4 years before my brother learned all that. He still loves dad. But I think that he sees him as weak. I tend to agree with him. My father has MS and as it progresses, and his legs get weaker, it's like his outer appearance has come to mirror the inside.
I love my mom too, but she makes me sad. She had a lot of hard times in her life, and the divorce was another big hit. It had a big effect on her. She seems hard or harsh at times. But it's because she got hurt and doesn't want to get hurt again. I dont think she'll ever have a boyfriend. She tried dating but never made it past the first few dates. She always found something wrong with the guy. She just doesnt want to get hurt again.
Sometimes she projects that onto me. It causes fights. Especially recently because of the wedding planning. But shes been very honest and admits when she is guilty of projecting her fears onto me.
Through everything my mom never let me forget how much she loved me. Sometimes she made mistakes, but she was always trying to do what was best for her kids. I think that's why my brother and I came through all of it as fairly well adjusted adults.
Ok, enough seriousness...Im going to go watch Dawson's Creek and go into work.
So cool to be able to say..."I cant go in until 11"...and its fine! The benefit of substitute teaching.
I remember feeling shocked. The kind that feels like you've been punched in the stomach. They had never fought. I never heard them yell. I never knew anything was wrong. But they had been sneaking away to marriage counseling for months. I cried a lot, but felt maybe they were right. It could still be ok. They were still friends and we didn't have to choose between them. Then I remember being kind of numb and not thinking about it.
After a few days I became angry. They had known for months this might be coming and hadn't talked to us until it was already at the end. They made up stories about where they had been going Tuesday nights. They had actually lied.
The anger faded because I do love my parents. And things really did seem ok. My brother and I moved into a new house with mom. Dad came and picked me up every morning to bring me to school and we still spent lots of time with him. He moved in with his friend Kieth only about ten minutes from our new house. My parents really did seem to be doing better apart.
Then at christmas dad gave us our gifts and the card was signed by someone named Val too. He explained it was his girlfriend. I was 17 at this point...old enough to think, it's only been 6 months, isnt that too soon to be dating? But mom said give him a break, hes never been alone.
I tried to like her. I tried to be optimistic. But she was going through her second divorce. She was kind of trashy. But she seemed to be trying really hard to make my brother and I like her. But every so often my mom would say something about her. Something Val had said or done. Little things, but I started to feel uncomfortable. Then my mom got worse. She would flip out about me trying to spend time with dad. Any time I tried to give Val a break. It got to the point where we were fighting constantly and I didn't understand what was happening.
It finally came out...my dad had cheated on her. After all the marriage counseling she had found e-mails between him and another woman. My dad didnt even try to explain himself to her and she thought that he just wanted it to be over, so she gave him what he wanted...the divorce.
She didnt want us to hate our dad so they had agreed to just tell us it was mutual. Leave out that it was really his fault. My brother was only 12 when they told us so I could understand...but I was 17 and old enough to understand if they had just told me. Instead I had been completely confused and miserable no knowing why my mother was so upset, or how it was I was hurting her.
It was about 4 years before my brother learned all that. He still loves dad. But I think that he sees him as weak. I tend to agree with him. My father has MS and as it progresses, and his legs get weaker, it's like his outer appearance has come to mirror the inside.
I love my mom too, but she makes me sad. She had a lot of hard times in her life, and the divorce was another big hit. It had a big effect on her. She seems hard or harsh at times. But it's because she got hurt and doesn't want to get hurt again. I dont think she'll ever have a boyfriend. She tried dating but never made it past the first few dates. She always found something wrong with the guy. She just doesnt want to get hurt again.
Sometimes she projects that onto me. It causes fights. Especially recently because of the wedding planning. But shes been very honest and admits when she is guilty of projecting her fears onto me.
Through everything my mom never let me forget how much she loved me. Sometimes she made mistakes, but she was always trying to do what was best for her kids. I think that's why my brother and I came through all of it as fairly well adjusted adults.
Ok, enough seriousness...Im going to go watch Dawson's Creek and go into work.
So cool to be able to say..."I cant go in until 11"...and its fine! The benefit of substitute teaching.