Even when im good i still suck
my emotions come at my like freight trains, there isnt any time to think about them and rationalize them. Theres just me sitting here dealing with who ever i hurt, or made upset and trying to explain to them how fucked up i am, and not to hold it agaisnt me. I dont speak honestly because i choose to, i speak honestly because i cannot think before i speak, there have been very few times that i have thought before i spoke, most of them happen at work. Like 'hey dont say fuck infront of that little kid *holds thought till kid goes inside.* Although sometimes its a god send, because it makes me a quick thinker in arguments, it does more harm than good in my relationships with other people. I can help but wonder why everyone feels the need to generalize what happens, because everytime some one says, well when i did this it blah blah blah, i believe them and think that it will have the same response. Birth Control for example. Its supposed to stop my fucking cramps, which it does not, it succeds in making me throw up every once in a while and have cramps and be even moodier than i was. Maybe that last one depends upon how much stress im dealing with. Exams, a 10 page paper to write, a 2 page paper to write because i choose not to be experiented on. This is normal everyday stuff for every one else, so why does it take so much of a toll on me? because i let the little shit get to me. The little things that go wrong in my day take a toll on me more than the big stresses do. i dropped cups at work, i charged a pizza special on a charge when it wasnt a pizza special, i didnt change the toilet paper even though a woman told me that it was out, i poke fun at jason even though i can see that hes getting annoyed with me, i dont call brian because i think hes too busy to talk to me, i treat my mom like shit because shes the only one who takes it, i spend money that i have even thogh im trying to save for a car, i dont drive my self to see heather and every one because im too scared to be by my self in the car because when i drive to school i find my self somewhere and i dont remember how i got there, if i ran any red lights, i speed any where i go because i wanna make sure i get a far as i can before i space out, but on that same note i shouldnt speed beacuse spacing out and speeding shouldnt be a good combination, i take brian for granted because i know he feels guilt for cheating on me, i cant let it go that he cheated on me because everyone i know who's been cheated on has been cheated on repeatedly, so when he doesnt call or he calls for only a few seconds i cant help but think its beacuse hes paying attention to some one else, which is ridiculus. I want to drop out of college beacuse i have no idea what i want to do any more, since i;ve gotten a D twice in a row im obviously not gunna be able to be a psychologist, i cant even handle my own emotions let alone those of some one else, If a patient killed themself in front of me i would quit, right then and there, no matter how many people i have helped or could help would be worthless because i couldnt help the one, well i can save this kid but why not that one. You cant win them all, then why bother winning any, if its tainted from the start theres no point in reaching the end. Me and my unstable ass are going to bed, god help me. i'll probably wake up the dog and get yelled at for being up so late, fuck me in the ass.