[Fic] Journey to the North
Title: Journey to the North
Rating: PG - PG13
Pairing: Sasuke/Naruto
Summary: Fairytale-ish crackfic, where in Naruto wanders off to his grandma's house, but keeps bumping into the big, bad wolf Sasuke.
Disclaimer: I don't anything of Naruto, nor do I claim to. Naruto is owned and created by Masashi Kishimoto; I wrote this purely for fun and I gain no profit.
Author's Note: First of all: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, IV!! This crackfic (appropriately enough) is for you!
Secondly, this is the first (okay, second-ish, really) crackfic I've written and by far the longest one-shot ever. At over 7,300 words, this literally ate my soul by never, ever stopping. I wrote and wrote and wrote until my fingers were bleeding (or, you know, when I actually finished writing what I'd outlined *cough*), so here it is, in all its crackfic glory... Have fun reading, because my soul has never been the same again.
A thank you to Alisha for the quick beta. Oh, and Iv, hope you enjoy this soul-eating fic. ;)
Completed: 23 January 2007
Journey to the North
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away (well, maybe not that far, but that's not the point), there lived a youth whose hair was the colour of the sun (very, very bright) and whose enthusiastic nature and good cheer made all those around him smile (and, well, grit their teeth in anger and annoyance, but you never hear about those kinds of things in fairy tales).
But to carry on again-there once was a youth, and this youth lived not too far away (but far enough). One day, his parents decided to send him off to his grandmother's house in the woods under the guise of goodwill. They told this youth (who was called Naruto, by the way) that his grandmother was frail and sickly, and needed to be checked on from time to time; they told Naruto they were busy as bees, and needed Naruto to go and give his grandmother some food and gifts that day. And Naruto being Naruto, he just shrugged and grabbed the basket of food and shouted, "Bye!"
What they didn't tell Naruto, however, was that his grandmother was far from frail and sickly; in fact, it had just been a month since they received a letter from dear old grandma saying she was going to participate in a marathon run over the weekend. Although they felt guilty for sending Naruto away, they also couldn't help but sigh in relief. They didn't want Naruto gone permanently-just for a little while, is all; just until they could fix the hole in their living room wall (Naruto had been even more loud and exuberant than usual, which consequently meant his game of kick-the-crap-out-of-that-ball turned ugly) and maybe have a peaceful lunch. Maybe even a peaceful dinner. It wasn't too selfish, was it, to want a little peace and quiet? No, surely not. Not after so many years of taking care of a child who refused to stay still; not after even more years of nurturing a youth who liked noises and games and living life to the fullest brim.
And with that last thought, his parents pushed away the guilt and waved at Naruto's fading figure, slowly walking back to their humble (and slightly dented) cottage, both thinking: Naruto will be fine. What could go wrong?
Well, for anyone else, that may have been true; but for Naruto, our stalwart hero-well, maybe not our stalwart hero, but the main character of this story nonetheless-for Naruto, many things did go wrong. Yet, unsurprisingly enough, he also had a lot of fun.
Thus, our story begins, not with a bang, but with an accident and much yelling.
Naruto liked to whistle. He liked the way it sounded, but most of all, he liked the fact that he was making this sound, that he was the one making music-not that he could call this unpredictable, chaotic mess of a noise music, but he liked to think it was, once someone made sense of it and organised the tune a bit, of course. Still, it wasn't as if he had an audience, and while he liked the attention, he didn't really need it; he was fine being alone in the forest, in the company of trees, bushes, and small, scurrying animals. They were familiar friends, since Naruto and his parents lived far away from the other cottages, and Naruto didn't have much in the way of company. Not that he would have had any anyway, he amended. There were only a few others his own age; most of them were older, around his parents' age. But the oldest person he knew was his grandma. She, from what Naruto could remember of her, was old. Really, really old, with wrinkles and soft skin, smelling of flowery musk and rain; her voice was smooth, Naruto recalled, and she liked to sing to him sometimes. She would sing him this one song, this really beautiful song that Naruto had adored when he was younger, and if he could only just remember it-
-and Naruto's foot dug into something hard, sending him sprawling face down. He pushed the basket aside desperately and prayed fervently that it would land right, keeping the food inside relatively undamaged. Food like that should never be wasted; not when it was so very delicious and nice, smelling so very sweet...
For a second there, Naruto almost forgot he was about to get his face smushed into dirt, but the sight of the ground coming closer and closer reminded him sharply about the pain, pain, pain he was going to be in, so he flailed wildly and hoped his nose wouldn't get broken.
Maybe the gods were smiling on him today-maybe karma was being nice to him-because when he hit the ground, his nose remained nicely aligned and his flailing arms managed to brace him just enough to avoid broken bones and dislocated shoulders. Just as Naruto was about to stand up though, something hard-was that a foot? Naruto raged, if it is, I'm going to kill that bastard-slammed onto his back, and he went down hard again.
"What the fuck?" Naruto shouted, trying to lift his head up and turn his head around.
"I should be the one saying that, moron," someone said angrily from above and behind, putting more weight down on Naruto's back. "What the hell were you doing? Walking with your eyes closed?" he demanded, his foot pressing down harder.
"What kind of idiot walks with his eyes closed, you bastard?" Naruto shouted again, twisting and sliding and trying to get the hell up, before it clicked and with a cry of outrage, he yelled, "You better not be saying I'm that kind of idiot!"
"If the idiotic, walking, talking moron fits!"
For a second, silence descended; then, Naruto shouted, "What? What the hell does that even mean?"
He began twisting even harder, bracing his arms on either side and trying to push up, but the foot that was digging right in middle of his back shifted higher, pushing down somewhere between his shoulder blades.
"You're even more of a moron than I thought," the bastard snorted.
"I'm not a moron!" Naruto growled, "Who the fuck can figure out your stupid riddles anyway?"
"What-I can't believe you're this dumb. That wasn't a riddle, you moron! You stepped on me! You stepped on me and then fell!"
The foot pressed down hard again. "Moron!"
"Ow! Ow! Ow! Bastard!" Naruto groaned, as he hit the ground again; this time, he didn't even have room to flail since that bastard was rubbing his face in the dirt.
"Hah! That's what you get for stepping on me while I was sleeping!" The foot dug in some more, and then Naruto howled, "I'm going to kill you! You're going to die! Die! Dead!"
"Don't make me laugh. Like you could even touch me," the voice sneered from above, sounding all high and mighty-which Naruto hated, hated, hated-and oh, Naruto was going to get him back for this. Once he got up, he was going to smash that face in and then bang it on the ground. Repeatedly.
"Shit," the voice said, not sounding so high and mighty anymore, "I'm late."
And then, to Naruto's surprise and disbelief, the weight on his shoulder blades lifted and he was free. Free. Naruto let out a loud sigh, breathing in and out deeply as if he'd been suffocated (which he so had been), and then stood up quickly, turning around with a finger pointed accusingly at the bastard who'd been rubbing his face in the dirt for what seemed like hours.
"I'm going to kill you!" Naruto shouted and pounced... only, to hit dirt. Again.
He blinked from the ground, annoyed. "What the fuck?"
"Sheesh. You really are dumb, aren't you?"
Naruto turned quickly to his right, finally catching sight of that bastard who was now smirking at him.
"Stay still, damn it," Naruto said, glaring at the annoying neat spikes of dark hair and those stupid, arrogant dark eyes.
"There's this thing called ducking-apparently I'm smart enough to do it," that bastard said, smirking.
God, he hated that smirk, Naruto thought; he opened his mouth to yell some more, but then that bastard had to go and spoil it by interrupting.
"Sorry," he said, not looking really sorry at all, "but I've got something I have to do. As fun as it's been, I can't be late."
He smirked again at Naruto's direction before he turned around and started walking away. Without thinking about it, Naruto glared at the bastard and then glanced around urgently, looking for something-yes, yes, that small branch would do-before grabbing it hastily. He pulled his arm back, and with all of his strength, threw it at that bastard's head.
Take that, Naruto howled victoriously, but before he could yell it out loud, the bastard stepped to the side. He. Stepped. To. The. Side.
Naruto stared, hands curling into his hair, whimpering. "You-that-no-stepped-"
That bastard-that arrogant jerk of a bastard-just laughed at him. Laughed.
"Nice try," he said when he was done, and then he left, chuckling every so often while Naruto stood there, glaring.
"Bastard!" he yelled one last time, and tugged at his hair in frustration; then he growled and threw out his hands angrily, marching towards the basket, which was thankfully intact. If it hadn't been-well, the day couldn't get any worse, now could it?
Naruto growled and took the basket, and started stomping towards his grandmother's house, leaving a trail of profanity and curses and footprints that dug deep into the ground.
The swearing and cursing stopped after a while. It had to-Naruto couldn't keep on stomping at that fast a pace and still talk; at least, not without huffing madly. So, the swearing and cursing had to go because Naruto liked breathing. Unfortunately, the sun loomed large and bright that day, and Naruto could feel the increasing heat. He liked summer most of the time because it had that hazy quality to it. It meant laziness and sleep, with the heat and humidity gently grazing your skin. It meant days spent outdoors playing, walking, and running. It meant a lot of fun things and it meant Naruto could find a lot of things to do. But today-today wasn't the day for it. Naruto had to walk to his grandma's house while still covered slightly in grime and dirt, and with the sun beating down on his head, he had begun sweating. Grime and dirt and sweat didn't mix well, not to mention that he was beginning to feel thirsty and hungry.
If that bastard hadn't stomped on his back-if Naruto had gotten up and kicked his butt and then started walking again-then maybe by now he would have made it to his grandma's and they would have been snacking on the food in the basket. He bet his grandma had orange juice. Freshly made, too. Naruto knew he was drooling a little bit, but he didn't care. He was hungry and thirsty, and unbelievably enough, tired.
It wasn't odd for him to be tired, but it didn't happen often enough for Naruto to think it was a good thing. He'd always been a handful-his parents told him so frequently and fondly-but when he went out, he went out like a light. No slowly drifting off to sleep; no gradual dozing-no, that never happened. For Naruto, it was always a split-second of being awake and tired before darkness hit, and he would be snoring contentedly. Sometimes he would be standing, sometimes he would be sitting, but no matter what he was doing-no matter the urgency, the importance of that task-he'd still be out like a light.
This was very bad for him, since he still needed to carry on walking. Looking at the basket, Naruto pushed away thoughts of eating and how it would surely, surely, energise him. That's the hunger talking, he reminded himself sternly. And it's rude to eat grandma's food. His stomach chose to grumble crankily at this, and Naruto winced, hastily trying to find some distraction. He was stubborn, but he knew his own flaws-he had no doubt that his lack of patience as well as self-control would lead him to guilt and sad looks from his grandma for the rest of his life.
As if the gods had heard his stomach's prayers, there, right there, lay a glossy, sweet-looking apple. It sat there, on that rock-turned-to-a-bench looking ever so juicy and delicious, and surely, surely, Naruto could have it. It wasn't as if it belonged to someone else, though, the weird, scary needles and the bottles near the side of the bench made him pause. It looked like someone had been here, but wasn't here any longer-which, Naruto concluded, meant that the apple was up for the taking.
Gleefully, he set aside the basket and grabbed the apple, sighing at the sweet scent. He gave one last sigh before he took a big bite, moaning ecstatically. Then, someone shrieked and Naruto looked up from his apple, startled.
A lady wearing a black cloak was furiously walking towards him, one hand curled into a tight fist as the other rose up to point at him. "You! You! Do you know what you've done?" she shrieked again, turning what was a pretty face into a hell-beast. A hell-beast with nice hair, Naruto amended, and then frowned.
"Wait-you mean this was yours?" Naruto held up the apple and looked suspiciously between it and the lady.
"Yes! It's mine! How dare you-you-brat! Now you've ruined everything! Everything!" she wailed and muttered something about never being the fairest of them all.
"Hey! You left it lying here, looking all juicy and tempting and..." Naruto trailed off, gazing at the apple raptly. He hastily took another bite before beginning his rant again. "Look, lady, you can't just leave it lying here looking all sweet and juicy and then blame me when I take it! You ever heard of Finders-Keepers?"
She looked at him, offended. "Did you just eat my apple in front of me and then blame me for the fact that you took it?"
"Yeah," Naruto said, around his third mouthful of apple.
She glared at him. "You brat! You've ruined everything and how the hell am I going to find another apple like that? And-and-where the hell am I going to get more poison?" she started wailing again.
Naruto, who was now on his sixth bite, looked up at her. "Wait-what did you just say-" he said, before dropping to the ground like a sack of potatoes.
The lady glared at him one last time and then started to flounce off. After a few steps, though, she turned back, went right to the place where Naruto lay and kicked him in the stomach; when Naruto only snorted briefly before snoring again, she stomped her feet and shook her fists angrily.
"Stupid brat. Now I'll never be the prettiest," she snarled and flipped her hair.
And then, she left, growling and snarling and scaring away small, furry animals.
So, Naruto lay there in an eternal sleep, still, but not really silent (his soft snores punctuated each breath he took), which was a good thing, because how else would the short, dwarfish man (carrying a large, gleaming axe) have seen him otherwise? If the short, dwarfish man (holding the shiny, murderous axe) hadn't seen him, then quite likely he would either have stepped on him and crushed his ribs (he was quite heavy for someone so short), or chopped off one of Naruto's sprawled limbs when he began work (see, he was a woodsman, but he wasn't all that good at it). But see him our short woodsman did, and then he gasped out loud, for Naruto looked so innocent, so charming, so full of life...and very, very still and quiet.
The woodsman sighed sadly and said, "Why do the witches always poison the good-looking ones?"
No answer was given, and the only sound he could hear was Naruto's snoring; but that was okay. It was a rhetorical question anyway; the woodsman already knew the answer. He muttered, "Jealous bitches," and walked closer to where Naruto lay, only to stop when he noticed his untied shoelaces. Immediately, the woodsman bent down to put away his axe and began to tie his shoelaces, because he was old and wise and had experienced the tragedy that could result in loose footwear.
However, because the woodsman was small in stature and because there were many bushes, it was apparent that once he had bent down, he literally disappeared from view. It would have been okay if Naruto and the woodsman had been alone, but unfortunately, it was not to be-there was a crunch of broken branches, and then, another figure came into view.
This figure came into the clearing expecting to be alone, but found that he was not-in fact, his eyes widened in recognition and he thought, The hell? What the fuck is that moron doing here?
Then, he promptly started walking towards Naruto until he was close enough to touch-but something unexpected, unpredictable, and terrible happened: he tripped over the woodsman. The woodsman cried, "Ow!" and tried to stand up, but the cursing and flailing figure above hindered his movements, while the figure (who was called Sasuke, by the way) tried to regain his balance. To say the least, both of them met with failure, and before Sasuke could say "Fuck" one more time, he ended up falling...and falling...towards...Naruto.
He panicked, struggling and wheeling his arms to stay upright, but to no avail. His balance was shot and agile though he was, being hindered by other people's splayed limbs pretty much killed any chances of him landing relatively unscathed, so Sasuke fell and fell and fell, until he landed on top of Naruto with an oof.
"Argh," he tried to yell, but his lips were pressed hard against Naruto's, and he couldn't move.
The woodsman, who was now sprawled haphazardly on his back, watched them kiss with wide eyes. His eyes widened even more when he saw that Naruto was awake and struggling. "Wow," he said.
"Mmf!" Naruto yelled, as he stared up in horror, and tried to push Sasuke away.
"Mm mfff!" Sasuke yelled back as he stared down in horror, trying to get up as quickly as possible.
When they finally pulled themselves apart, Naruto took a large step back and pointed a finger accusingly at Sasuke, "You bastard!"
"Me?" Sasuke said in disbelief. "You have got to be kidding me."
"You're the one who kissed me!" Naruto yelled; then his eyes narrowed and he growled, "And then you were going to molest me, weren't you?"
Sasuke stared. "You have got to be kidding me. You? Please, like I can't do better."
"What? You think I'm not good enough for you now?" Naruto glared at him. "What kind of picky rapist are you?"
"What do you mean picky rapist? I'm not a rapist at all, you moron!" Sasuke yelled.
"Yeah, you think I'm stupid? You were kissing me! While I was lying there-all-all, sleeping and dead-like! And don't answer that!" Naruto shouted.
Sasuke glared at Naruto and then rubbed his eyes, muttering, "Why? Why me?"
"Um," the woodsman said, Naruto and Sasuke's eyes swivelled towards him.
Naruto brightened. "Hey, it's a dwarf!"
The woodsman looked at him disdainfully and muttered, "Less and less attractive."
"Huh?" Naruto looked at the woodsman in confusion, and then to Sasuke, who shrugged.
Sighing, the woodsman said, "Look, first of all, I'm not a dwarf. I'm just really, really short. Second of all, stop fighting, okay? He," the woodsman pointed at Sasuke, "wasn't trying to rape, molest, or grope you while you out for the count. He just fell on you because he tripped over me, then onto you. And you," the woodsman then pointed at Naruto, "looked like you were in a never-ending dead sleep-and boy, have I seen plenty of those over the years, those poor souls-so you should be glad that kiss brought you out of it."
Naruto and Sasuke stared.
"Well?" the woodsman said impatiently. "I still have to go to work, you know."
"I guess he wasn't trying to rape me," Naruto mumbled, looking out into the forest and away from Sasuke.
"Of course I wasn't," Sasuke said, offended.
"And?" the woodsman crossed his arms and waited.
"And?" Naruto asked.
"He means you should thank me," Sasuke said, rolling his eyes.
"What? No way." Naruto immediately turned back to Sasuke.
"You heard the dwarf! I saved your life!" Sasuke sniffed and tilted his head up arrogantly.
"Hey!" the woodsman protested, just as Naruto yelled, "By accident!"
"Fine, not a dwarf!" Sasuke said to the woodsman, and then to Naruto, "Who cares if it was an accident! I still saved you! And, argh, I kissed you." Sasuke made a face.
For a second, Naruto opened and closed his mouth like a fish; his head bobbled and his fists clenched, and then, he shouted, "Well, I had to wake up with you kissing me! I'm the one fucking traumatised here!"
Naruto glared at Sasuke before finally calming down and saying quickly and angrily, "But-since-you-saved-me-by-accident-thank-you."
The woodsman sighed happily, annoyance fading away at the truly touching end of what he had thought was a sad day. "Aw, that's so sweet," he said, clapping his hands.
Naruto twitched, while Sasuke rolled his eyes (again-it was just that kind of day).
Ignoring both of them, the woodsman gave another happy sigh and said with finality, "Well, I'm going to work now. You be good, okay?"
Naruto and Sasuke shuffled and hemed and hawed for a moment; then, they sighed and nodded. The woodsman smiled in satisfaction, looking all too cheerful and glowing; he gave them a small wave before he went away, whistling something fast and perky, leaving both Naruto and Sasuke silent and twitchy.
"Look, I can't keep calling you bastard all the time," Naruto said, annoyed, finally breaking the awkward, semi-hostile atmosphere.
"Why? I call you moron all the time," Sasuke said, smirking that arrogant smirk of his. Naruto raged silently, Kill you. Dead. Don't think I've forgotten about this morning!
"Fine-" Naruto started, thinking of different ways he could rip him apart, but got interrupted.
"Sasuke," Sasuke said, cutting Naruto off, the bastard.
Naruto fumed and spat out the word as if it was a curse, "Sasuke-"
"You don't have to repeat it," Sasuke snorted, "moron."
"Hey! If I'm calling you Sasuke," he made a face, "then you need to call me Naruto."
"Right. Naruto," Sasuke nodded mockingly.
Naruto glared even harder-kill, kill, kill, his mind chanted-and Sasuke's smirk widened (and how the hell does a smirk widen? Naruto fumed, stupid, tricky bastard). Before he could start the shouting and killing, though, Sasuke looked down at his watch and did a double-take.
"Shit, I'm late for the next one," he said, swearing, before he started to run.
"What the-" Naruto said, blinking when he looked at the empty clearing. "Sheesh, he's quick."
Then he narrowed his eyes and shouted for the hell of it, "Asshole!"
Muttering, he looked around until he saw his basket-intact, so, so intact-and happily grabbed it; he hummed as he wrapped an arm around, and then started making his way to grandma's house once again. As he walked though the woods, he scrunched up his face and frowned, and then nodded.
"Right," he said to himself, "next time, don't eat any poison apples and don't get kissed by that asshole Sasuke."
Naruto walked for what seemed like hours (but really, was probably only one). He whistled and sighed, and went through many stages of intrigued interest and boredom. Having never explored the woods around this area, he had at first looked around his surroundings with fascination. But in the end, the woods were the woods, and the trees, unsurprisingly, were similar everywhere; Naruto got bored, and when he got bored, he sought to entertain himself some way.
First, he daydreamed about the many nefarious ways to beat up Sasuke. He'd picture much kicking and punching, and many hours of torment with the bastard alternatively cursing and begging-but then it became tiresome and there were only so many scenarios of torture available-so he decided to daydream about the next best thing: food. More specifically, ramen, food of the gods. Naruto loved food; all types of food, because he wasn't too discerning about type as long as it tasted good, but what he loved most of all was ramen. Delicious, tasty ramen...
Because he was so preoccupied, when an arm wrapped around his shoulder and a smooth, female voice said, "Yo," Naruto immediately jumped and screamed and waved his arms in a wheeling direction to ward off his attacker.
"Whoa, stop that," the voice said, irritated at first, but becoming more amused when Naruto refused to stop his arm waving. As if Naruto was going to listen to some stupid attacker who was probably waiting for a chance rob and victimise him, Naruto thought angrily.
"Like hell I am, you-you-thief!" Naruto shouted, glaring at what glimpses of his attacker he could see from behind his wheeling arms. Who would have thought such a nice-looking lady would be so vicious? Naruto snorted, then remembered the poison and winced, okay, maybe there was lesson there.
"Hey! Who are you calling a thief, brat? I'm a fairy godmother," she said, now irritated again.
Naruto immediately stopped his arm-waving and peered at the fairy sceptically. "A fairy godmother? You don't look like one," he said, eyeing the robes and the heaving bosom doubtfully.
She narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms. "What? You seen many fairy godmothers, brat?"
"No, but you don't look like one," Naruto said stubbornly.
"Tch, well fine then, brat. I'll show you." And before Naruto could stutter a response, she pulled a leaf off a tree, threw it up, and then snapped her fingers. The leaf did nothing-it did nothing for a couple of seconds-but then Naruto noticed a white glow around it. The leaf then started to grow into the size of Naruto's hand, then the size of his head, and then, finally, it stopped glowing and with a puff of smoke (or what passed for smoke in fairyland, since it didn't smell like smoke), transformed into a black stallion.
Naruto took a step back stared, stunned. "You-"
"Oh, yeah," she said, "I've still got it."
"Wow! You really are a fairy godmother!" Naruto said excitedly, bouncing up and down.
"Of course I am! I've been saying that all along, haven't I?" she huffed a little, and then eyed Naruto speculatively. "The name's Tsunade, so don't call me Fairy, F, or any variation of, got it?"
Naruto nodded enthusiastically. Wow, an actual fairy. Nobody's going to believe this, he thought and looked at Tsunade with round eyes.
"Good," Tsunade said, rubbing her hands together. "Now let's get to business."
"Huh?" Naruto asked, squinting. "Business?"
"Yes...business," Tsunade continued, with a gleam in her eye. "Let's say, I'm in need of some cash."
"Huh?" Naruto asked again, looking confused. "What do you need money for anyway? And can't you conjure it up or something?" He crossed his arms, looking suspicious.
Tsunade twitched. "None of you business, brat. I can't conjure it up because it just doesn't work like that." Looking more annoyed now, she huffed, "Want to hear more or not? You're wasting my time."
"Fine," Naruto said, kind of interested despite himself. He was still suspicious (his parents had warned him not to take candy from strange fairies, after all), but Tsunade had already proven she had some powers, and she didn't seem evil...
"Good then," Tsunade said, clapping her hands twice. "Let's begin again. I'm in need of some cash and since you look like you could use some rest...how about we trade?"
"Huh?" Naruto just looked blankly at her, while Tsunade restrained the urge to rub her temples.
"As in...you give me money and I give you the horse," Tsunade said, annoyed.
"Oh...you mean you want to sell your horse," Naruto said; then with a frown, "Why didn't you say so in the first place?"
Naruto sighed as he wondered why people always overcomplicated things. Couldn't they just say what they meant?
Tsunade's eyebrow twitched, her fists clenched, and she looked like she was going to start yelling at any moment, but all she did was grit out, "Yes. Or. No."
Naruto eyed her cautiously-the whole crazy thing was beginning to sound more and more likely-and scratched his head. "I can't ride a horse."
"Oh," Tsunade said with some disappointment. Then, she curled a finger under her chin and stared at the leaf-turned-horse contemplatively. After a couple of seconds, she snapped her fingers and smiled. "Now you don't need to know how to ride a horse. It's all automatic."
With a glint in her eye, she leaned towards Naruto. "So, how much have you got?"
"Um," Naruto put down his basket and started searching his pockets. What he found was a couple of gold coins, some lint, a wrinkled up piece of paper with a list of his favourite foods, a chocolate bar wrapper, two pebbles, and a couple of silver coins. He stuffed everything else back into his pockets, and then held up gold and silver coins to Tsunade.
"I have this much?" Naruto squinted at coins in his cupped hands.
Tsunade muttered, "That's all you've got, kid?"
"Yeah." Naruto looked up at her sadly. "Can I still get the horse?"
And although Tsunade wasn't human, she was neither emotionless nor made of ice, so when Naruto had looked her with his big, blue eyes, she caved in like a landslide.
Sighing, she took the coins and said, "Yeah, kid, you get the horse. I suppose this should be all right for the starting bet...and once I win, I'll have even more money." Tsunade brightened considerably.
Naruto grinned and bounced. "A horse! A horse! I have a horse!" he chortled gleefully, and nearly forgot about his fairy godmother until a puff of smoke suddenly surrounded him; he coughed, eyes watering, and stared at the empty clearing. After a moment though, he shrugged and shouted, "Bye!" before he rushed towards the horse and petted its smooth, black coat.
"I have a horse," he said to himself happily, and tried to climb on it, only to slip right back down. "Huh, okay, it needs some work," he muttered from the ground as he stared contemplatively at horse, who was looking back at him disdainfully.
It took a while, but after various tactics, Naruto found that jumping off a low enough branch and landing on the horse (whom he called Ed) and clinging on for dear life was the best solution. Then, after that, it was smooth sailing from then on. He sighed at the nice, cooling breeze and whistled at the sheer comfort of not walking even though his butt was sort of getting sore; and he hummed at the rate (which was much, much faster than what his own two legs could put out) he was moving towards his grandma's house.
Only...it didn't work out that way, because two hours after he started riding, the horse suddenly disappeared, leaving only a leaf fluttering to the ground as Naruto tumbled right after it. Since he had been going forward at a pretty fast pace before then, Naruto ended up half-flying, half-spinning forward-hoping like hell he wasn't about to hit a tree or something-but then, before he could yell and flail, he ended up hitting something with a loud thud and ompf, knotting himself with an additional set of limbs, as someone loudly cursed from underneath him.
Naruto blinked and stared down. Then, he yelled, "You!"
Sasuke looked up, startled and glaring and yelling out, "You dumbass!"
Naruto, who had just realised he had landed on top of that bastard Sasuke, started to flail and get up; Sasuke, who was doing the same thing, ended up knocking into Naruto's arm (the arm which had been holding him up), and before Naruto could shout, "Don't call me dumbass, you bastard!" they ended up sprawled together on the ground again.
Panting a little, Naruto swore and tried to get up again. "Don't move this time! Let me move first."
Sasuke wheezed, "Fine, fine," and Naruto began to pull his limbs away carefully. He didn't want a repeat of before, and bastard though Sasuke may be, Naruto didn't really want to squash him. Knock him around a few times, maybe, but nobody deserved to be squashed like a bug.
After a moment of careful silence, Naruto managed to get up with very few injuries; there were a couple of bruises and Naruto somehow lost his shoe, but other than that, Naruto was in one piece. Relatively. He wasn't too sure about Sasuke though, because Sasuke was still on the ground-not wheezing-but Naruto thought there was still a bit of panting. Squinting a little, Naruto wondered whether Sasuke was thinner than before. Before he could voice his question, Sasuke got up, groaned, and fell back down again.
"You dumbass!" he hissed from the ground; then he frowned and squirmed. He stretched and reached underneath him, frown deepening as he pulled out a shoe. "What the fuck-?"
"Oh, hey, that's mine," Naruto said, and grabbed it. He ignored Sasuke's twitching eyebrow as he put it back on.
"You...moron," Sasuke hissed as he started to get up again. "You run me over and then you try to kill my back with your shoe?" he yelled when he was once more vertical and back on his feet.
"Hey, who the hell told you to stand there like some dumb rock anyway?" Naruto yelled back, and then they were glaring and making hissing noises, just an inch away from throwing punches, when Naruto caught sight of something unusual towards his right.
Immediately, Naruto started walking towards it, ignoring Sasuke's yell of "Hey!"
Once he was close enough, he reached out a hand to touch it, and ended up falling face-first onto the ground again, snoring.
Sasuke stood there, staring at the fallen blonde. "You have got to be kidding me."
He walked over and kicked at Naruto. "Hey! Wake up!"
When a half-snort, half-snore was his only answer, Sasuke's eyebrow started twitching; he yelled, "You stupid moron! I can't believe you did this again! You stupid dumbass! Idiot! Moron!"
Finally, when Sasuke couldn't find any more words to emphasise on Naruto's stupidity, he knelt and glared balefully down. "Bah. You did this on purpose, didn't you? So when I...kiss...you again," he made a face, "you'll just wake up and start yelling about molesting and all that crap. Dumbass."
Naruto just snored and mumbled a little. Sasuke sighed and slowly bent down, left hand cupping Naruto's chin. "You owe me for this," he growled, and pressed his lips on Naruto's.
At once, Naruto's eyes popped open and his arms flailed; Sasuke pulled back immediately and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.
"You! You! Molester! Rapist!" Naruto yelled, at the same time as Sasuke yelled, "You moron! I just knew it!"
"I'm not a moron, you bastard! I can't believe you-" Naruto started ranting.
"I told you! I can do much better than you, you dumbass! You had to go touch that spindle, didn't you? And then you had to get cursed to an eternal slumber! And when I try to wake you up, you-" Sasuke threw his hands up in the air.
Naruto, who had turned silent during Sasuke's rant, now flushed in embarrassment. "Cursed?"
"-start accusing me of-" Sasuke stopped yelling abruptly, taken aback by Naruto's lack of loud protest. "Uh, yeah, cursed. Eternal slumber. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Or so I read."
Naruto frowned and glared down at his shoes, awkwardly shuffling. "Thanks," he muttered.
Sasuke looked at Naruto and rolled his eyes. "You're welcome-again."
This made Naruto glare, and he vowed to kick the bastard around and punch his lights out; Sasuke, as if reading Naruto's mind, smirked, but then, started frowning when he glanced at his watch.
"Fuck. Late again. This is all your fault," Sasuke muttered as he ran off, stopped in front of the spindle, picked it up, and started to run off again.
Naruto's mouth opened, and his eyes widened and then he started yelling, "My fault? My fault? That was your fucking spindle, you bastard! Jerk! Bastard! I'm going to kill you! Dead!"
His only answer was a mocking laugh, which made Naruto even angrier. He brushed away some of the dirt from his clothes and stomped towards the miraculously intact basket of food (which probably had landed a lot better than Naruto did). Then, cursing at Sasuke, he started to walk (but really, it was more of a stomp) towards his grandma's house again.
Breathing hard, Naruto wiped off the sweat gathering on his forehead and grinned triumphantly at the small cottage right there in front of him. At last-at damn last-Naruto had made it. He'd made it, a little dusty and soiled, true, but at least he'd made it. For a while there, he'd thought he was going to be stuck in the forest, walking and walking and walking; until somehow, someway, he would bump into that bastard Sasuke-again-and that was too horrible to contemplate. So, he'd started walking faster, and now, the fruits of his hard work were right in front of him. Finally.
With a relieved sigh, Naruto hurriedly walked up the door and knocked; one arm held the basket of food tightly, as his stomach grumbled, and Naruto prayed to the gods that she was here-and not, say, away until nightfall, while Naruto starved to death in the cold, freezing night.
Just as Naruto really began to panic (no answer, no answer from the door, his mind chanted), the door opened and Naruto stared into the face of his most hated nemesis, who was looking just as shocked as he was.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Naruto shouted, pointing his finger at Sasuke.
"What am I-I should be the one asking you that!" Sasuke yelled back, and then off they went, glaring and hissing and making I-will-kill-you noises.
Then, another voice rang out, "Who's there, Sasuke?"
Both of them blinked and turned inside, Naruto with surprise and trepidation. That wasn't who I think it was, was it? he thought as a sense of horror slowly crept up on him.
"Just some dumbass stalking me," Sasuke yelled back, just as Naruto snapped out, "Hey! I'm not stalking you, you bastard!"
"Wait a second there," the voice said, sounding much closer. A head full of grey hair suddenly popped in Naruto's view. "You wouldn't be Naruto, would you?"
Kind blue eyes crinkled as the elderly woman smiled, looking at Naruto from head to toe. "You sure have grown!"
Naruto grinned widely, and waved his arms (even the one with the basket). "Grandma!"
His grandmother laughed, stepped outside, and hugged Naruto until he was wheezing. "My little grandson! Not so little now," she chuckled and ushered him in.
Naruto followed, still grinning, as he lifted up the basket. "Here, Grandma. Mum and Dad told me to bring this...so can we eat it now?" he said, bouncing on his toes; he pointed towards his stomach. "This won't shut up."
With one of those pleasant sounding chuckles, his kind, generous grandmother said, "Yes, we can," and went off to unpack the food. Naruto sighed happily, deciding that the floor looked comfortable enough to lie down and rest on, when he heard his grandmother say, "Why don't you introduce yourself, Sasuke, while I get the food ready?"
And all of a sudden, Naruto's good mood was sucked into a vacuum, forever lost as he watched Sasuke walk towards him. The dread from earlier was back again, and like before, Naruto's mind started going in a bad, bad, bad direction.
Like most of Naruto's words, there really was no filter between what his brain was thinking and what was going out of his mouth. So, when his brain went into the bad, bad, bad direction, and concluded the most horrible, agonising thing ever-Naruto didn't even bother to censure himself.
"She's your grandma too? No, it can't be-she's my grandma-how the hell can she be yours? Wait-is she? She is, isn't she?" he said loudly. Then, an even more horrible thought occurred to him. "Ew, we had incest!"
Sasuke stared, and then thumped Naruto on the head. "Don't be stupid! She's not my grandma, and no, we didn't have incest," he growled, eyebrow twitching at the word incest.
Naruto looked at him suspiciously. "Okay, if didn't have incest and you're not my-my-long-lost cousin or something, why are you here then?" he demanded, crossing his arms.
Rolling his eyes, Sasuke folded his own arms. "I work for her, moron."
"Huh?" Naruto squinted at him, and got another eye-roll in return.
"Work? You know what that is, right? I run errands for her and she pays me..." Sasuke snorted, waiting for the metaphorical light bulb to go on.
"Oh." Scratching his head, Naruto stood there, finally understanding. "I didn't know that."
Sasuke just gave him the sheesh, you are so dumb look, and Naruto's chagrin disappeared; once again he glared, because it wasn't Naruto's fault that Sasuke always turned up somehow, somewhere, no matter what Naruto was doing. And, okay, maybe ending up in a heap on the forest floor was usually what Naruto was doing, but that wasn't the point. And maybe Sasuke was helpful sometimes too, but that was also not the point. The point was that Sasuke always turned up, just when Naruto never expected to see him again, and he was always smirking and being all high-and-mighty, making Naruto want to punch his face in-like right now, for instance.
Naruto glared with even more hatred. "Bastard."
Sasuke only just frowned and said, "What now, moron?" in that bored, nonchalant way of his.
And, oh, was Naruto pissed off. He was about to punch him in the face, and then stomp on his back when his grandma suddenly walked in carrying two plates of cake and smiling, pleased at the state of the world. Or what she thought was the state of the world, since Naruto knew the tense, black cloud hovering over Sasuke and him was pretty damn obvious. Maybe she was just senile?
Or maybe she was a nice, generous grandma who had cake (cake, his mind moaned fervently), and Naruto immediately zoomed towards her with eager hands and bright eyes. Sasuke just sighed and rolled his eyes, but still, he followed at a more sedate pace because it was cake.
And so this story ends, with not happily ever after, but with something close enough, like cake and bickering and more accidental kisses along the way. Naruto remained focussed on his goal of stomping on Sasuke, while Sasuke kept finding ways to revive Naruto from eternal slumber (or at least try to keep him away from witches who wanted revenge for having their plans foiled), and they kept bumping into each other every time they set foot in the forest. It was fate. It was destiny. Or maybe both of them were stalkers.
In any case, they sort of lived happily ever after.
Rating: PG - PG13
Pairing: Sasuke/Naruto
Summary: Fairytale-ish crackfic, where in Naruto wanders off to his grandma's house, but keeps bumping into the big, bad wolf Sasuke.
Disclaimer: I don't anything of Naruto, nor do I claim to. Naruto is owned and created by Masashi Kishimoto; I wrote this purely for fun and I gain no profit.
Author's Note: First of all: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, IV!! This crackfic (appropriately enough) is for you!
Secondly, this is the first (okay, second-ish, really) crackfic I've written and by far the longest one-shot ever. At over 7,300 words, this literally ate my soul by never, ever stopping. I wrote and wrote and wrote until my fingers were bleeding (or, you know, when I actually finished writing what I'd outlined *cough*), so here it is, in all its crackfic glory... Have fun reading, because my soul has never been the same again.
A thank you to Alisha for the quick beta. Oh, and Iv, hope you enjoy this soul-eating fic. ;)
Completed: 23 January 2007
Journey to the North
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away (well, maybe not that far, but that's not the point), there lived a youth whose hair was the colour of the sun (very, very bright) and whose enthusiastic nature and good cheer made all those around him smile (and, well, grit their teeth in anger and annoyance, but you never hear about those kinds of things in fairy tales).
But to carry on again-there once was a youth, and this youth lived not too far away (but far enough). One day, his parents decided to send him off to his grandmother's house in the woods under the guise of goodwill. They told this youth (who was called Naruto, by the way) that his grandmother was frail and sickly, and needed to be checked on from time to time; they told Naruto they were busy as bees, and needed Naruto to go and give his grandmother some food and gifts that day. And Naruto being Naruto, he just shrugged and grabbed the basket of food and shouted, "Bye!"
What they didn't tell Naruto, however, was that his grandmother was far from frail and sickly; in fact, it had just been a month since they received a letter from dear old grandma saying she was going to participate in a marathon run over the weekend. Although they felt guilty for sending Naruto away, they also couldn't help but sigh in relief. They didn't want Naruto gone permanently-just for a little while, is all; just until they could fix the hole in their living room wall (Naruto had been even more loud and exuberant than usual, which consequently meant his game of kick-the-crap-out-of-that-ball turned ugly) and maybe have a peaceful lunch. Maybe even a peaceful dinner. It wasn't too selfish, was it, to want a little peace and quiet? No, surely not. Not after so many years of taking care of a child who refused to stay still; not after even more years of nurturing a youth who liked noises and games and living life to the fullest brim.
And with that last thought, his parents pushed away the guilt and waved at Naruto's fading figure, slowly walking back to their humble (and slightly dented) cottage, both thinking: Naruto will be fine. What could go wrong?
Well, for anyone else, that may have been true; but for Naruto, our stalwart hero-well, maybe not our stalwart hero, but the main character of this story nonetheless-for Naruto, many things did go wrong. Yet, unsurprisingly enough, he also had a lot of fun.
Thus, our story begins, not with a bang, but with an accident and much yelling.
Naruto liked to whistle. He liked the way it sounded, but most of all, he liked the fact that he was making this sound, that he was the one making music-not that he could call this unpredictable, chaotic mess of a noise music, but he liked to think it was, once someone made sense of it and organised the tune a bit, of course. Still, it wasn't as if he had an audience, and while he liked the attention, he didn't really need it; he was fine being alone in the forest, in the company of trees, bushes, and small, scurrying animals. They were familiar friends, since Naruto and his parents lived far away from the other cottages, and Naruto didn't have much in the way of company. Not that he would have had any anyway, he amended. There were only a few others his own age; most of them were older, around his parents' age. But the oldest person he knew was his grandma. She, from what Naruto could remember of her, was old. Really, really old, with wrinkles and soft skin, smelling of flowery musk and rain; her voice was smooth, Naruto recalled, and she liked to sing to him sometimes. She would sing him this one song, this really beautiful song that Naruto had adored when he was younger, and if he could only just remember it-
-and Naruto's foot dug into something hard, sending him sprawling face down. He pushed the basket aside desperately and prayed fervently that it would land right, keeping the food inside relatively undamaged. Food like that should never be wasted; not when it was so very delicious and nice, smelling so very sweet...
For a second there, Naruto almost forgot he was about to get his face smushed into dirt, but the sight of the ground coming closer and closer reminded him sharply about the pain, pain, pain he was going to be in, so he flailed wildly and hoped his nose wouldn't get broken.
Maybe the gods were smiling on him today-maybe karma was being nice to him-because when he hit the ground, his nose remained nicely aligned and his flailing arms managed to brace him just enough to avoid broken bones and dislocated shoulders. Just as Naruto was about to stand up though, something hard-was that a foot? Naruto raged, if it is, I'm going to kill that bastard-slammed onto his back, and he went down hard again.
"What the fuck?" Naruto shouted, trying to lift his head up and turn his head around.
"I should be the one saying that, moron," someone said angrily from above and behind, putting more weight down on Naruto's back. "What the hell were you doing? Walking with your eyes closed?" he demanded, his foot pressing down harder.
"What kind of idiot walks with his eyes closed, you bastard?" Naruto shouted again, twisting and sliding and trying to get the hell up, before it clicked and with a cry of outrage, he yelled, "You better not be saying I'm that kind of idiot!"
"If the idiotic, walking, talking moron fits!"
For a second, silence descended; then, Naruto shouted, "What? What the hell does that even mean?"
He began twisting even harder, bracing his arms on either side and trying to push up, but the foot that was digging right in middle of his back shifted higher, pushing down somewhere between his shoulder blades.
"You're even more of a moron than I thought," the bastard snorted.
"I'm not a moron!" Naruto growled, "Who the fuck can figure out your stupid riddles anyway?"
"What-I can't believe you're this dumb. That wasn't a riddle, you moron! You stepped on me! You stepped on me and then fell!"
The foot pressed down hard again. "Moron!"
"Ow! Ow! Ow! Bastard!" Naruto groaned, as he hit the ground again; this time, he didn't even have room to flail since that bastard was rubbing his face in the dirt.
"Hah! That's what you get for stepping on me while I was sleeping!" The foot dug in some more, and then Naruto howled, "I'm going to kill you! You're going to die! Die! Dead!"
"Don't make me laugh. Like you could even touch me," the voice sneered from above, sounding all high and mighty-which Naruto hated, hated, hated-and oh, Naruto was going to get him back for this. Once he got up, he was going to smash that face in and then bang it on the ground. Repeatedly.
"Shit," the voice said, not sounding so high and mighty anymore, "I'm late."
And then, to Naruto's surprise and disbelief, the weight on his shoulder blades lifted and he was free. Free. Naruto let out a loud sigh, breathing in and out deeply as if he'd been suffocated (which he so had been), and then stood up quickly, turning around with a finger pointed accusingly at the bastard who'd been rubbing his face in the dirt for what seemed like hours.
"I'm going to kill you!" Naruto shouted and pounced... only, to hit dirt. Again.
He blinked from the ground, annoyed. "What the fuck?"
"Sheesh. You really are dumb, aren't you?"
Naruto turned quickly to his right, finally catching sight of that bastard who was now smirking at him.
"Stay still, damn it," Naruto said, glaring at the annoying neat spikes of dark hair and those stupid, arrogant dark eyes.
"There's this thing called ducking-apparently I'm smart enough to do it," that bastard said, smirking.
God, he hated that smirk, Naruto thought; he opened his mouth to yell some more, but then that bastard had to go and spoil it by interrupting.
"Sorry," he said, not looking really sorry at all, "but I've got something I have to do. As fun as it's been, I can't be late."
He smirked again at Naruto's direction before he turned around and started walking away. Without thinking about it, Naruto glared at the bastard and then glanced around urgently, looking for something-yes, yes, that small branch would do-before grabbing it hastily. He pulled his arm back, and with all of his strength, threw it at that bastard's head.
Take that, Naruto howled victoriously, but before he could yell it out loud, the bastard stepped to the side. He. Stepped. To. The. Side.
Naruto stared, hands curling into his hair, whimpering. "You-that-no-stepped-"
That bastard-that arrogant jerk of a bastard-just laughed at him. Laughed.
"Nice try," he said when he was done, and then he left, chuckling every so often while Naruto stood there, glaring.
"Bastard!" he yelled one last time, and tugged at his hair in frustration; then he growled and threw out his hands angrily, marching towards the basket, which was thankfully intact. If it hadn't been-well, the day couldn't get any worse, now could it?
Naruto growled and took the basket, and started stomping towards his grandmother's house, leaving a trail of profanity and curses and footprints that dug deep into the ground.
The swearing and cursing stopped after a while. It had to-Naruto couldn't keep on stomping at that fast a pace and still talk; at least, not without huffing madly. So, the swearing and cursing had to go because Naruto liked breathing. Unfortunately, the sun loomed large and bright that day, and Naruto could feel the increasing heat. He liked summer most of the time because it had that hazy quality to it. It meant laziness and sleep, with the heat and humidity gently grazing your skin. It meant days spent outdoors playing, walking, and running. It meant a lot of fun things and it meant Naruto could find a lot of things to do. But today-today wasn't the day for it. Naruto had to walk to his grandma's house while still covered slightly in grime and dirt, and with the sun beating down on his head, he had begun sweating. Grime and dirt and sweat didn't mix well, not to mention that he was beginning to feel thirsty and hungry.
If that bastard hadn't stomped on his back-if Naruto had gotten up and kicked his butt and then started walking again-then maybe by now he would have made it to his grandma's and they would have been snacking on the food in the basket. He bet his grandma had orange juice. Freshly made, too. Naruto knew he was drooling a little bit, but he didn't care. He was hungry and thirsty, and unbelievably enough, tired.
It wasn't odd for him to be tired, but it didn't happen often enough for Naruto to think it was a good thing. He'd always been a handful-his parents told him so frequently and fondly-but when he went out, he went out like a light. No slowly drifting off to sleep; no gradual dozing-no, that never happened. For Naruto, it was always a split-second of being awake and tired before darkness hit, and he would be snoring contentedly. Sometimes he would be standing, sometimes he would be sitting, but no matter what he was doing-no matter the urgency, the importance of that task-he'd still be out like a light.
This was very bad for him, since he still needed to carry on walking. Looking at the basket, Naruto pushed away thoughts of eating and how it would surely, surely, energise him. That's the hunger talking, he reminded himself sternly. And it's rude to eat grandma's food. His stomach chose to grumble crankily at this, and Naruto winced, hastily trying to find some distraction. He was stubborn, but he knew his own flaws-he had no doubt that his lack of patience as well as self-control would lead him to guilt and sad looks from his grandma for the rest of his life.
As if the gods had heard his stomach's prayers, there, right there, lay a glossy, sweet-looking apple. It sat there, on that rock-turned-to-a-bench looking ever so juicy and delicious, and surely, surely, Naruto could have it. It wasn't as if it belonged to someone else, though, the weird, scary needles and the bottles near the side of the bench made him pause. It looked like someone had been here, but wasn't here any longer-which, Naruto concluded, meant that the apple was up for the taking.
Gleefully, he set aside the basket and grabbed the apple, sighing at the sweet scent. He gave one last sigh before he took a big bite, moaning ecstatically. Then, someone shrieked and Naruto looked up from his apple, startled.
A lady wearing a black cloak was furiously walking towards him, one hand curled into a tight fist as the other rose up to point at him. "You! You! Do you know what you've done?" she shrieked again, turning what was a pretty face into a hell-beast. A hell-beast with nice hair, Naruto amended, and then frowned.
"Wait-you mean this was yours?" Naruto held up the apple and looked suspiciously between it and the lady.
"Yes! It's mine! How dare you-you-brat! Now you've ruined everything! Everything!" she wailed and muttered something about never being the fairest of them all.
"Hey! You left it lying here, looking all juicy and tempting and..." Naruto trailed off, gazing at the apple raptly. He hastily took another bite before beginning his rant again. "Look, lady, you can't just leave it lying here looking all sweet and juicy and then blame me when I take it! You ever heard of Finders-Keepers?"
She looked at him, offended. "Did you just eat my apple in front of me and then blame me for the fact that you took it?"
"Yeah," Naruto said, around his third mouthful of apple.
She glared at him. "You brat! You've ruined everything and how the hell am I going to find another apple like that? And-and-where the hell am I going to get more poison?" she started wailing again.
Naruto, who was now on his sixth bite, looked up at her. "Wait-what did you just say-" he said, before dropping to the ground like a sack of potatoes.
The lady glared at him one last time and then started to flounce off. After a few steps, though, she turned back, went right to the place where Naruto lay and kicked him in the stomach; when Naruto only snorted briefly before snoring again, she stomped her feet and shook her fists angrily.
"Stupid brat. Now I'll never be the prettiest," she snarled and flipped her hair.
And then, she left, growling and snarling and scaring away small, furry animals.
So, Naruto lay there in an eternal sleep, still, but not really silent (his soft snores punctuated each breath he took), which was a good thing, because how else would the short, dwarfish man (carrying a large, gleaming axe) have seen him otherwise? If the short, dwarfish man (holding the shiny, murderous axe) hadn't seen him, then quite likely he would either have stepped on him and crushed his ribs (he was quite heavy for someone so short), or chopped off one of Naruto's sprawled limbs when he began work (see, he was a woodsman, but he wasn't all that good at it). But see him our short woodsman did, and then he gasped out loud, for Naruto looked so innocent, so charming, so full of life...and very, very still and quiet.
The woodsman sighed sadly and said, "Why do the witches always poison the good-looking ones?"
No answer was given, and the only sound he could hear was Naruto's snoring; but that was okay. It was a rhetorical question anyway; the woodsman already knew the answer. He muttered, "Jealous bitches," and walked closer to where Naruto lay, only to stop when he noticed his untied shoelaces. Immediately, the woodsman bent down to put away his axe and began to tie his shoelaces, because he was old and wise and had experienced the tragedy that could result in loose footwear.
However, because the woodsman was small in stature and because there were many bushes, it was apparent that once he had bent down, he literally disappeared from view. It would have been okay if Naruto and the woodsman had been alone, but unfortunately, it was not to be-there was a crunch of broken branches, and then, another figure came into view.
This figure came into the clearing expecting to be alone, but found that he was not-in fact, his eyes widened in recognition and he thought, The hell? What the fuck is that moron doing here?
Then, he promptly started walking towards Naruto until he was close enough to touch-but something unexpected, unpredictable, and terrible happened: he tripped over the woodsman. The woodsman cried, "Ow!" and tried to stand up, but the cursing and flailing figure above hindered his movements, while the figure (who was called Sasuke, by the way) tried to regain his balance. To say the least, both of them met with failure, and before Sasuke could say "Fuck" one more time, he ended up falling...and falling...towards...Naruto.
He panicked, struggling and wheeling his arms to stay upright, but to no avail. His balance was shot and agile though he was, being hindered by other people's splayed limbs pretty much killed any chances of him landing relatively unscathed, so Sasuke fell and fell and fell, until he landed on top of Naruto with an oof.
"Argh," he tried to yell, but his lips were pressed hard against Naruto's, and he couldn't move.
The woodsman, who was now sprawled haphazardly on his back, watched them kiss with wide eyes. His eyes widened even more when he saw that Naruto was awake and struggling. "Wow," he said.
"Mmf!" Naruto yelled, as he stared up in horror, and tried to push Sasuke away.
"Mm mfff!" Sasuke yelled back as he stared down in horror, trying to get up as quickly as possible.
When they finally pulled themselves apart, Naruto took a large step back and pointed a finger accusingly at Sasuke, "You bastard!"
"Me?" Sasuke said in disbelief. "You have got to be kidding me."
"You're the one who kissed me!" Naruto yelled; then his eyes narrowed and he growled, "And then you were going to molest me, weren't you?"
Sasuke stared. "You have got to be kidding me. You? Please, like I can't do better."
"What? You think I'm not good enough for you now?" Naruto glared at him. "What kind of picky rapist are you?"
"What do you mean picky rapist? I'm not a rapist at all, you moron!" Sasuke yelled.
"Yeah, you think I'm stupid? You were kissing me! While I was lying there-all-all, sleeping and dead-like! And don't answer that!" Naruto shouted.
Sasuke glared at Naruto and then rubbed his eyes, muttering, "Why? Why me?"
"Um," the woodsman said, Naruto and Sasuke's eyes swivelled towards him.
Naruto brightened. "Hey, it's a dwarf!"
The woodsman looked at him disdainfully and muttered, "Less and less attractive."
"Huh?" Naruto looked at the woodsman in confusion, and then to Sasuke, who shrugged.
Sighing, the woodsman said, "Look, first of all, I'm not a dwarf. I'm just really, really short. Second of all, stop fighting, okay? He," the woodsman pointed at Sasuke, "wasn't trying to rape, molest, or grope you while you out for the count. He just fell on you because he tripped over me, then onto you. And you," the woodsman then pointed at Naruto, "looked like you were in a never-ending dead sleep-and boy, have I seen plenty of those over the years, those poor souls-so you should be glad that kiss brought you out of it."
Naruto and Sasuke stared.
"Well?" the woodsman said impatiently. "I still have to go to work, you know."
"I guess he wasn't trying to rape me," Naruto mumbled, looking out into the forest and away from Sasuke.
"Of course I wasn't," Sasuke said, offended.
"And?" the woodsman crossed his arms and waited.
"And?" Naruto asked.
"He means you should thank me," Sasuke said, rolling his eyes.
"What? No way." Naruto immediately turned back to Sasuke.
"You heard the dwarf! I saved your life!" Sasuke sniffed and tilted his head up arrogantly.
"Hey!" the woodsman protested, just as Naruto yelled, "By accident!"
"Fine, not a dwarf!" Sasuke said to the woodsman, and then to Naruto, "Who cares if it was an accident! I still saved you! And, argh, I kissed you." Sasuke made a face.
For a second, Naruto opened and closed his mouth like a fish; his head bobbled and his fists clenched, and then, he shouted, "Well, I had to wake up with you kissing me! I'm the one fucking traumatised here!"
Naruto glared at Sasuke before finally calming down and saying quickly and angrily, "But-since-you-saved-me-by-accident-thank-you."
The woodsman sighed happily, annoyance fading away at the truly touching end of what he had thought was a sad day. "Aw, that's so sweet," he said, clapping his hands.
Naruto twitched, while Sasuke rolled his eyes (again-it was just that kind of day).
Ignoring both of them, the woodsman gave another happy sigh and said with finality, "Well, I'm going to work now. You be good, okay?"
Naruto and Sasuke shuffled and hemed and hawed for a moment; then, they sighed and nodded. The woodsman smiled in satisfaction, looking all too cheerful and glowing; he gave them a small wave before he went away, whistling something fast and perky, leaving both Naruto and Sasuke silent and twitchy.
"Look, I can't keep calling you bastard all the time," Naruto said, annoyed, finally breaking the awkward, semi-hostile atmosphere.
"Why? I call you moron all the time," Sasuke said, smirking that arrogant smirk of his. Naruto raged silently, Kill you. Dead. Don't think I've forgotten about this morning!
"Fine-" Naruto started, thinking of different ways he could rip him apart, but got interrupted.
"Sasuke," Sasuke said, cutting Naruto off, the bastard.
Naruto fumed and spat out the word as if it was a curse, "Sasuke-"
"You don't have to repeat it," Sasuke snorted, "moron."
"Hey! If I'm calling you Sasuke," he made a face, "then you need to call me Naruto."
"Right. Naruto," Sasuke nodded mockingly.
Naruto glared even harder-kill, kill, kill, his mind chanted-and Sasuke's smirk widened (and how the hell does a smirk widen? Naruto fumed, stupid, tricky bastard). Before he could start the shouting and killing, though, Sasuke looked down at his watch and did a double-take.
"Shit, I'm late for the next one," he said, swearing, before he started to run.
"What the-" Naruto said, blinking when he looked at the empty clearing. "Sheesh, he's quick."
Then he narrowed his eyes and shouted for the hell of it, "Asshole!"
Muttering, he looked around until he saw his basket-intact, so, so intact-and happily grabbed it; he hummed as he wrapped an arm around, and then started making his way to grandma's house once again. As he walked though the woods, he scrunched up his face and frowned, and then nodded.
"Right," he said to himself, "next time, don't eat any poison apples and don't get kissed by that asshole Sasuke."
Naruto walked for what seemed like hours (but really, was probably only one). He whistled and sighed, and went through many stages of intrigued interest and boredom. Having never explored the woods around this area, he had at first looked around his surroundings with fascination. But in the end, the woods were the woods, and the trees, unsurprisingly, were similar everywhere; Naruto got bored, and when he got bored, he sought to entertain himself some way.
First, he daydreamed about the many nefarious ways to beat up Sasuke. He'd picture much kicking and punching, and many hours of torment with the bastard alternatively cursing and begging-but then it became tiresome and there were only so many scenarios of torture available-so he decided to daydream about the next best thing: food. More specifically, ramen, food of the gods. Naruto loved food; all types of food, because he wasn't too discerning about type as long as it tasted good, but what he loved most of all was ramen. Delicious, tasty ramen...
Because he was so preoccupied, when an arm wrapped around his shoulder and a smooth, female voice said, "Yo," Naruto immediately jumped and screamed and waved his arms in a wheeling direction to ward off his attacker.
"Whoa, stop that," the voice said, irritated at first, but becoming more amused when Naruto refused to stop his arm waving. As if Naruto was going to listen to some stupid attacker who was probably waiting for a chance rob and victimise him, Naruto thought angrily.
"Like hell I am, you-you-thief!" Naruto shouted, glaring at what glimpses of his attacker he could see from behind his wheeling arms. Who would have thought such a nice-looking lady would be so vicious? Naruto snorted, then remembered the poison and winced, okay, maybe there was lesson there.
"Hey! Who are you calling a thief, brat? I'm a fairy godmother," she said, now irritated again.
Naruto immediately stopped his arm-waving and peered at the fairy sceptically. "A fairy godmother? You don't look like one," he said, eyeing the robes and the heaving bosom doubtfully.
She narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms. "What? You seen many fairy godmothers, brat?"
"No, but you don't look like one," Naruto said stubbornly.
"Tch, well fine then, brat. I'll show you." And before Naruto could stutter a response, she pulled a leaf off a tree, threw it up, and then snapped her fingers. The leaf did nothing-it did nothing for a couple of seconds-but then Naruto noticed a white glow around it. The leaf then started to grow into the size of Naruto's hand, then the size of his head, and then, finally, it stopped glowing and with a puff of smoke (or what passed for smoke in fairyland, since it didn't smell like smoke), transformed into a black stallion.
Naruto took a step back stared, stunned. "You-"
"Oh, yeah," she said, "I've still got it."
"Wow! You really are a fairy godmother!" Naruto said excitedly, bouncing up and down.
"Of course I am! I've been saying that all along, haven't I?" she huffed a little, and then eyed Naruto speculatively. "The name's Tsunade, so don't call me Fairy, F, or any variation of, got it?"
Naruto nodded enthusiastically. Wow, an actual fairy. Nobody's going to believe this, he thought and looked at Tsunade with round eyes.
"Good," Tsunade said, rubbing her hands together. "Now let's get to business."
"Huh?" Naruto asked, squinting. "Business?"
"Yes...business," Tsunade continued, with a gleam in her eye. "Let's say, I'm in need of some cash."
"Huh?" Naruto asked again, looking confused. "What do you need money for anyway? And can't you conjure it up or something?" He crossed his arms, looking suspicious.
Tsunade twitched. "None of you business, brat. I can't conjure it up because it just doesn't work like that." Looking more annoyed now, she huffed, "Want to hear more or not? You're wasting my time."
"Fine," Naruto said, kind of interested despite himself. He was still suspicious (his parents had warned him not to take candy from strange fairies, after all), but Tsunade had already proven she had some powers, and she didn't seem evil...
"Good then," Tsunade said, clapping her hands twice. "Let's begin again. I'm in need of some cash and since you look like you could use some rest...how about we trade?"
"Huh?" Naruto just looked blankly at her, while Tsunade restrained the urge to rub her temples.
"As in...you give me money and I give you the horse," Tsunade said, annoyed.
"Oh...you mean you want to sell your horse," Naruto said; then with a frown, "Why didn't you say so in the first place?"
Naruto sighed as he wondered why people always overcomplicated things. Couldn't they just say what they meant?
Tsunade's eyebrow twitched, her fists clenched, and she looked like she was going to start yelling at any moment, but all she did was grit out, "Yes. Or. No."
Naruto eyed her cautiously-the whole crazy thing was beginning to sound more and more likely-and scratched his head. "I can't ride a horse."
"Oh," Tsunade said with some disappointment. Then, she curled a finger under her chin and stared at the leaf-turned-horse contemplatively. After a couple of seconds, she snapped her fingers and smiled. "Now you don't need to know how to ride a horse. It's all automatic."
With a glint in her eye, she leaned towards Naruto. "So, how much have you got?"
"Um," Naruto put down his basket and started searching his pockets. What he found was a couple of gold coins, some lint, a wrinkled up piece of paper with a list of his favourite foods, a chocolate bar wrapper, two pebbles, and a couple of silver coins. He stuffed everything else back into his pockets, and then held up gold and silver coins to Tsunade.
"I have this much?" Naruto squinted at coins in his cupped hands.
Tsunade muttered, "That's all you've got, kid?"
"Yeah." Naruto looked up at her sadly. "Can I still get the horse?"
And although Tsunade wasn't human, she was neither emotionless nor made of ice, so when Naruto had looked her with his big, blue eyes, she caved in like a landslide.
Sighing, she took the coins and said, "Yeah, kid, you get the horse. I suppose this should be all right for the starting bet...and once I win, I'll have even more money." Tsunade brightened considerably.
Naruto grinned and bounced. "A horse! A horse! I have a horse!" he chortled gleefully, and nearly forgot about his fairy godmother until a puff of smoke suddenly surrounded him; he coughed, eyes watering, and stared at the empty clearing. After a moment though, he shrugged and shouted, "Bye!" before he rushed towards the horse and petted its smooth, black coat.
"I have a horse," he said to himself happily, and tried to climb on it, only to slip right back down. "Huh, okay, it needs some work," he muttered from the ground as he stared contemplatively at horse, who was looking back at him disdainfully.
It took a while, but after various tactics, Naruto found that jumping off a low enough branch and landing on the horse (whom he called Ed) and clinging on for dear life was the best solution. Then, after that, it was smooth sailing from then on. He sighed at the nice, cooling breeze and whistled at the sheer comfort of not walking even though his butt was sort of getting sore; and he hummed at the rate (which was much, much faster than what his own two legs could put out) he was moving towards his grandma's house.
Only...it didn't work out that way, because two hours after he started riding, the horse suddenly disappeared, leaving only a leaf fluttering to the ground as Naruto tumbled right after it. Since he had been going forward at a pretty fast pace before then, Naruto ended up half-flying, half-spinning forward-hoping like hell he wasn't about to hit a tree or something-but then, before he could yell and flail, he ended up hitting something with a loud thud and ompf, knotting himself with an additional set of limbs, as someone loudly cursed from underneath him.
Naruto blinked and stared down. Then, he yelled, "You!"
Sasuke looked up, startled and glaring and yelling out, "You dumbass!"
Naruto, who had just realised he had landed on top of that bastard Sasuke, started to flail and get up; Sasuke, who was doing the same thing, ended up knocking into Naruto's arm (the arm which had been holding him up), and before Naruto could shout, "Don't call me dumbass, you bastard!" they ended up sprawled together on the ground again.
Panting a little, Naruto swore and tried to get up again. "Don't move this time! Let me move first."
Sasuke wheezed, "Fine, fine," and Naruto began to pull his limbs away carefully. He didn't want a repeat of before, and bastard though Sasuke may be, Naruto didn't really want to squash him. Knock him around a few times, maybe, but nobody deserved to be squashed like a bug.
After a moment of careful silence, Naruto managed to get up with very few injuries; there were a couple of bruises and Naruto somehow lost his shoe, but other than that, Naruto was in one piece. Relatively. He wasn't too sure about Sasuke though, because Sasuke was still on the ground-not wheezing-but Naruto thought there was still a bit of panting. Squinting a little, Naruto wondered whether Sasuke was thinner than before. Before he could voice his question, Sasuke got up, groaned, and fell back down again.
"You dumbass!" he hissed from the ground; then he frowned and squirmed. He stretched and reached underneath him, frown deepening as he pulled out a shoe. "What the fuck-?"
"Oh, hey, that's mine," Naruto said, and grabbed it. He ignored Sasuke's twitching eyebrow as he put it back on.
"You...moron," Sasuke hissed as he started to get up again. "You run me over and then you try to kill my back with your shoe?" he yelled when he was once more vertical and back on his feet.
"Hey, who the hell told you to stand there like some dumb rock anyway?" Naruto yelled back, and then they were glaring and making hissing noises, just an inch away from throwing punches, when Naruto caught sight of something unusual towards his right.
Immediately, Naruto started walking towards it, ignoring Sasuke's yell of "Hey!"
Once he was close enough, he reached out a hand to touch it, and ended up falling face-first onto the ground again, snoring.
Sasuke stood there, staring at the fallen blonde. "You have got to be kidding me."
He walked over and kicked at Naruto. "Hey! Wake up!"
When a half-snort, half-snore was his only answer, Sasuke's eyebrow started twitching; he yelled, "You stupid moron! I can't believe you did this again! You stupid dumbass! Idiot! Moron!"
Finally, when Sasuke couldn't find any more words to emphasise on Naruto's stupidity, he knelt and glared balefully down. "Bah. You did this on purpose, didn't you? So when I...kiss...you again," he made a face, "you'll just wake up and start yelling about molesting and all that crap. Dumbass."
Naruto just snored and mumbled a little. Sasuke sighed and slowly bent down, left hand cupping Naruto's chin. "You owe me for this," he growled, and pressed his lips on Naruto's.
At once, Naruto's eyes popped open and his arms flailed; Sasuke pulled back immediately and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.
"You! You! Molester! Rapist!" Naruto yelled, at the same time as Sasuke yelled, "You moron! I just knew it!"
"I'm not a moron, you bastard! I can't believe you-" Naruto started ranting.
"I told you! I can do much better than you, you dumbass! You had to go touch that spindle, didn't you? And then you had to get cursed to an eternal slumber! And when I try to wake you up, you-" Sasuke threw his hands up in the air.
Naruto, who had turned silent during Sasuke's rant, now flushed in embarrassment. "Cursed?"
"-start accusing me of-" Sasuke stopped yelling abruptly, taken aback by Naruto's lack of loud protest. "Uh, yeah, cursed. Eternal slumber. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Or so I read."
Naruto frowned and glared down at his shoes, awkwardly shuffling. "Thanks," he muttered.
Sasuke looked at Naruto and rolled his eyes. "You're welcome-again."
This made Naruto glare, and he vowed to kick the bastard around and punch his lights out; Sasuke, as if reading Naruto's mind, smirked, but then, started frowning when he glanced at his watch.
"Fuck. Late again. This is all your fault," Sasuke muttered as he ran off, stopped in front of the spindle, picked it up, and started to run off again.
Naruto's mouth opened, and his eyes widened and then he started yelling, "My fault? My fault? That was your fucking spindle, you bastard! Jerk! Bastard! I'm going to kill you! Dead!"
His only answer was a mocking laugh, which made Naruto even angrier. He brushed away some of the dirt from his clothes and stomped towards the miraculously intact basket of food (which probably had landed a lot better than Naruto did). Then, cursing at Sasuke, he started to walk (but really, it was more of a stomp) towards his grandma's house again.
Breathing hard, Naruto wiped off the sweat gathering on his forehead and grinned triumphantly at the small cottage right there in front of him. At last-at damn last-Naruto had made it. He'd made it, a little dusty and soiled, true, but at least he'd made it. For a while there, he'd thought he was going to be stuck in the forest, walking and walking and walking; until somehow, someway, he would bump into that bastard Sasuke-again-and that was too horrible to contemplate. So, he'd started walking faster, and now, the fruits of his hard work were right in front of him. Finally.
With a relieved sigh, Naruto hurriedly walked up the door and knocked; one arm held the basket of food tightly, as his stomach grumbled, and Naruto prayed to the gods that she was here-and not, say, away until nightfall, while Naruto starved to death in the cold, freezing night.
Just as Naruto really began to panic (no answer, no answer from the door, his mind chanted), the door opened and Naruto stared into the face of his most hated nemesis, who was looking just as shocked as he was.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Naruto shouted, pointing his finger at Sasuke.
"What am I-I should be the one asking you that!" Sasuke yelled back, and then off they went, glaring and hissing and making I-will-kill-you noises.
Then, another voice rang out, "Who's there, Sasuke?"
Both of them blinked and turned inside, Naruto with surprise and trepidation. That wasn't who I think it was, was it? he thought as a sense of horror slowly crept up on him.
"Just some dumbass stalking me," Sasuke yelled back, just as Naruto snapped out, "Hey! I'm not stalking you, you bastard!"
"Wait a second there," the voice said, sounding much closer. A head full of grey hair suddenly popped in Naruto's view. "You wouldn't be Naruto, would you?"
Kind blue eyes crinkled as the elderly woman smiled, looking at Naruto from head to toe. "You sure have grown!"
Naruto grinned widely, and waved his arms (even the one with the basket). "Grandma!"
His grandmother laughed, stepped outside, and hugged Naruto until he was wheezing. "My little grandson! Not so little now," she chuckled and ushered him in.
Naruto followed, still grinning, as he lifted up the basket. "Here, Grandma. Mum and Dad told me to bring this...so can we eat it now?" he said, bouncing on his toes; he pointed towards his stomach. "This won't shut up."
With one of those pleasant sounding chuckles, his kind, generous grandmother said, "Yes, we can," and went off to unpack the food. Naruto sighed happily, deciding that the floor looked comfortable enough to lie down and rest on, when he heard his grandmother say, "Why don't you introduce yourself, Sasuke, while I get the food ready?"
And all of a sudden, Naruto's good mood was sucked into a vacuum, forever lost as he watched Sasuke walk towards him. The dread from earlier was back again, and like before, Naruto's mind started going in a bad, bad, bad direction.
Like most of Naruto's words, there really was no filter between what his brain was thinking and what was going out of his mouth. So, when his brain went into the bad, bad, bad direction, and concluded the most horrible, agonising thing ever-Naruto didn't even bother to censure himself.
"She's your grandma too? No, it can't be-she's my grandma-how the hell can she be yours? Wait-is she? She is, isn't she?" he said loudly. Then, an even more horrible thought occurred to him. "Ew, we had incest!"
Sasuke stared, and then thumped Naruto on the head. "Don't be stupid! She's not my grandma, and no, we didn't have incest," he growled, eyebrow twitching at the word incest.
Naruto looked at him suspiciously. "Okay, if didn't have incest and you're not my-my-long-lost cousin or something, why are you here then?" he demanded, crossing his arms.
Rolling his eyes, Sasuke folded his own arms. "I work for her, moron."
"Huh?" Naruto squinted at him, and got another eye-roll in return.
"Work? You know what that is, right? I run errands for her and she pays me..." Sasuke snorted, waiting for the metaphorical light bulb to go on.
"Oh." Scratching his head, Naruto stood there, finally understanding. "I didn't know that."
Sasuke just gave him the sheesh, you are so dumb look, and Naruto's chagrin disappeared; once again he glared, because it wasn't Naruto's fault that Sasuke always turned up somehow, somewhere, no matter what Naruto was doing. And, okay, maybe ending up in a heap on the forest floor was usually what Naruto was doing, but that wasn't the point. And maybe Sasuke was helpful sometimes too, but that was also not the point. The point was that Sasuke always turned up, just when Naruto never expected to see him again, and he was always smirking and being all high-and-mighty, making Naruto want to punch his face in-like right now, for instance.
Naruto glared with even more hatred. "Bastard."
Sasuke only just frowned and said, "What now, moron?" in that bored, nonchalant way of his.
And, oh, was Naruto pissed off. He was about to punch him in the face, and then stomp on his back when his grandma suddenly walked in carrying two plates of cake and smiling, pleased at the state of the world. Or what she thought was the state of the world, since Naruto knew the tense, black cloud hovering over Sasuke and him was pretty damn obvious. Maybe she was just senile?
Or maybe she was a nice, generous grandma who had cake (cake, his mind moaned fervently), and Naruto immediately zoomed towards her with eager hands and bright eyes. Sasuke just sighed and rolled his eyes, but still, he followed at a more sedate pace because it was cake.
And so this story ends, with not happily ever after, but with something close enough, like cake and bickering and more accidental kisses along the way. Naruto remained focussed on his goal of stomping on Sasuke, while Sasuke kept finding ways to revive Naruto from eternal slumber (or at least try to keep him away from witches who wanted revenge for having their plans foiled), and they kept bumping into each other every time they set foot in the forest. It was fate. It was destiny. Or maybe both of them were stalkers.
In any case, they sort of lived happily ever after.