This is a post about a girl I loved...maybe the last one I' ll love.
It is 2014. I am 31. I am alive and I am well.
In September 2013 I started messaging a girl who was on an obscure dating website. It started off simple enough with short messages back and forth. Then we exchanged numbers and began texting. Finally on a Tuesday at the beginning of October she called me and we began talking. We talked for four hours. More phone calls followed. I got to know her better and better with each exchange.
Her name was Tamra but she went by Nikki. She was 22 years old from Chattanooga, TN. I immediately began calling her Tamra because I liked that name more than Nikki. I think that was where it all went wrong.
I always loved calling girls by different names because it made it seem that they were special and it set me apart from the rest of the people they knew. It wasn't a ploy or anything to get to them faster, I usually like uncommon names. I gravitate toward the unique and Tamra was quite unique.
I spent the next few months talking to Tamra. I knew she was beautiful from pictures, I loved her voice, I loved her personality, I loved how sweet she was, I loved her. We talked for hours some days and then some days went without talking as I was busy and she was too. We got closer and closer and then she started to tell me that she loved me. I was always afraid that it was going so well that it was too good to be true. Each time we talked I felt like something might've changed and she wouldn't like me anymore. I always brought this up to her. There's another problem.
Tamra told me about her past, her present, about medical issues. She would let me in on what was going on with her life, who was in her life. She was very open. The things she would tell me could make me tear up. Sometimes she would get real emotional and rant to me about relationships, family, friends. I would just let her get it out and look forward to talking with her about the next subject. She had a hard life, but she was a tough girl. It was hard to find anything I didn't like about her. I wanted to meet her.
On November 30, 2013 I made the trip to Chattanooga to meet Tamra. I won't forget it because it was the day of the Iron Bowl. I met her outside a restaurant and when I saw her we walked together to my car and I gave her a kiss. We drove around for a little while and stopped to visit her friend and I got to see first hand exactly what she was exposed to. Her friends weren't the greatest people to be around but they were nice. We sat together outside on the back porch and that was when me and beautiful Tamra had our first time making out. Even though she smoked, she tasted so good. I had my hands wrapped around her and I felt like this is where I belonged.
We went to a bar later called the Diamond Billiard Club and had some drinks. I really enjoyed my time with her. Later that night, we checked into a hotel and spent the night together. We promised each other not to have sex on our first date, but we did get very intimate. The next morning, I took her back to where I found her.
We continued to talk and didn't see each other again until December 15. Looking back, that wasn't a huge wait. This time I picked her up from her house and we went to the movies and then a karaoke bar called Sing it or Wing it. It was then that I got to show her how well I could sing. I thought I really impressed her as I was getting praise from the people who were there and we got to be out together among other people. Once again, we spent the night together in a hotel. Only this time, things went a little further. The next morning, alone with her in the hotel, I asked her to be my girlfriend. She closed her eyes, smiled at me and said yes. We kissed and then got our things together before leaving the hotel room. I drove her home and left for Alabama where I would stay for almost 2 months. I would continue to talk to her throughout the month and on Christmas and New Years until I finally got to see her again on Valentine's Day.
I drove straight from work to Tennessee to see her. We spent one more night together and planned on one more but it was cut short because she was asked to babysit. The plans actually called for her not to have to until the next day, but plans change. I was upset that I had to leave before I wanted to and she wasn't happy with the way I was acting. I noticed when something didn't go her way, she often avoided it. She didn't want to talk about anything that made her feel she was wrong.
That would be the last time I saw Tamra. We would have one more phone conversation on a Tuesday in February where the last words I would say to her as boyfriend and girlfriend were "I love you and I miss you." After not hearing from her for days, I texted her but got no response. I was worried, so I went online and found another way to check on her. What I felt next, I really can't describe. I shook, I got lightheaded, I couldn't concentrate. Tamra was seeing someone else. She was talking like she talked about me, but it wasn't me, it was another guy. It was as if someone hit the reset button and then it was all gone. I realized later that she didn't get my messages online and probably ignored the ones on the phone. It was over.
I called her repeatedly that day until she answered and the only explanation I could get out of her was that someone she knew had picked her up and they kissed. She said she didn't know how she felt. She was once again upset because I pointed out something she did wrong. Hung up on me. There were a few texts after that talking about this other guy. I still have them saved.
The next evening, I called her one more time to try to further understand what changed. It was like talking to a whole different person. She sounded annoyed when she picked up and refused to talk saying I made her feel guilty. All I could do was say that if she ever wanted to talk to call me. Then it was Goodbye.
Tamra told me a lot of things and with that last act, I have to second guess all of them. She told me she had Crohn's disease, which I believe, but now I wonder if she milked it for more than what it really was. She would always be afflicted with something outrageous when it came time to see her on the weekend. I wasn't the reason we went 2 whole months without being together. Still, I trusted her and I always tried to be understanding. I just didn't want her to worry. I could wait, I was willing to. I just try really hard to wrap my brain around how someone can act like you mean the world to them and then drop you and forget you exist. Drugs? Guys on the side? Just outright pretending? I'll never know. She never allowed me that closure. There is evidence that contradicts the story she told me. And then, maybe it was me. Maybe she thought I was lying, pretending, not serious about us. I did what I could, what I would allow within reason.
I miss her voice more than anything else. I'm slowly deleting the voice mails she left me so the healing process can continue.
She said that she liked to dance, but I never got to dance with her.
She said "I want to be yours." She said she would wait as long as it takes to be mine.
She loved when I gave her compliments. Her favorites were beautiful and gorgeous.
She said I made her smile so much her face hurt and everyone around her would ask who was giving her that goofy grin? She called me her baby. She called me a cheeseball. She would tell me that she missed me and loved me before ending every phone call. I still remember the kissing sounds she would do at me.
It was doomed from the start. I have to accept that. That fact wouldn't stop me from loving her too and willing to give up whatever I had to be with her. I was scared to give everything because what if she discarded me? After all that time, that money, those feelings that I gave up all for her to just throw me away and never want to speak to me again? Did I do something to deserve that?
To find out I was dumped the way I was? I'm free, yes, but I don't feel relieved. I feel a longing to be loved, cherished, cared for, accepted, tolerated, respected. I also feel very hesitant to ever open up to anyone else ever again. My honesty can turn people away I know this. People like a little mystery. They don't want to know everything, they shouldn't know everything. So why do I continue to spill my guts whenever given the chance? It is who I am. It is who I will continue to be. As I reflect on my relationship with the beautiful girl from Chattanooga all I can do is play back what she repeated to me that night on Valentine's Day. "Please don't leave me."
In September 2013 I started messaging a girl who was on an obscure dating website. It started off simple enough with short messages back and forth. Then we exchanged numbers and began texting. Finally on a Tuesday at the beginning of October she called me and we began talking. We talked for four hours. More phone calls followed. I got to know her better and better with each exchange.
Her name was Tamra but she went by Nikki. She was 22 years old from Chattanooga, TN. I immediately began calling her Tamra because I liked that name more than Nikki. I think that was where it all went wrong.
I always loved calling girls by different names because it made it seem that they were special and it set me apart from the rest of the people they knew. It wasn't a ploy or anything to get to them faster, I usually like uncommon names. I gravitate toward the unique and Tamra was quite unique.
I spent the next few months talking to Tamra. I knew she was beautiful from pictures, I loved her voice, I loved her personality, I loved how sweet she was, I loved her. We talked for hours some days and then some days went without talking as I was busy and she was too. We got closer and closer and then she started to tell me that she loved me. I was always afraid that it was going so well that it was too good to be true. Each time we talked I felt like something might've changed and she wouldn't like me anymore. I always brought this up to her. There's another problem.
Tamra told me about her past, her present, about medical issues. She would let me in on what was going on with her life, who was in her life. She was very open. The things she would tell me could make me tear up. Sometimes she would get real emotional and rant to me about relationships, family, friends. I would just let her get it out and look forward to talking with her about the next subject. She had a hard life, but she was a tough girl. It was hard to find anything I didn't like about her. I wanted to meet her.
On November 30, 2013 I made the trip to Chattanooga to meet Tamra. I won't forget it because it was the day of the Iron Bowl. I met her outside a restaurant and when I saw her we walked together to my car and I gave her a kiss. We drove around for a little while and stopped to visit her friend and I got to see first hand exactly what she was exposed to. Her friends weren't the greatest people to be around but they were nice. We sat together outside on the back porch and that was when me and beautiful Tamra had our first time making out. Even though she smoked, she tasted so good. I had my hands wrapped around her and I felt like this is where I belonged.
We went to a bar later called the Diamond Billiard Club and had some drinks. I really enjoyed my time with her. Later that night, we checked into a hotel and spent the night together. We promised each other not to have sex on our first date, but we did get very intimate. The next morning, I took her back to where I found her.
We continued to talk and didn't see each other again until December 15. Looking back, that wasn't a huge wait. This time I picked her up from her house and we went to the movies and then a karaoke bar called Sing it or Wing it. It was then that I got to show her how well I could sing. I thought I really impressed her as I was getting praise from the people who were there and we got to be out together among other people. Once again, we spent the night together in a hotel. Only this time, things went a little further. The next morning, alone with her in the hotel, I asked her to be my girlfriend. She closed her eyes, smiled at me and said yes. We kissed and then got our things together before leaving the hotel room. I drove her home and left for Alabama where I would stay for almost 2 months. I would continue to talk to her throughout the month and on Christmas and New Years until I finally got to see her again on Valentine's Day.
I drove straight from work to Tennessee to see her. We spent one more night together and planned on one more but it was cut short because she was asked to babysit. The plans actually called for her not to have to until the next day, but plans change. I was upset that I had to leave before I wanted to and she wasn't happy with the way I was acting. I noticed when something didn't go her way, she often avoided it. She didn't want to talk about anything that made her feel she was wrong.
That would be the last time I saw Tamra. We would have one more phone conversation on a Tuesday in February where the last words I would say to her as boyfriend and girlfriend were "I love you and I miss you." After not hearing from her for days, I texted her but got no response. I was worried, so I went online and found another way to check on her. What I felt next, I really can't describe. I shook, I got lightheaded, I couldn't concentrate. Tamra was seeing someone else. She was talking like she talked about me, but it wasn't me, it was another guy. It was as if someone hit the reset button and then it was all gone. I realized later that she didn't get my messages online and probably ignored the ones on the phone. It was over.
I called her repeatedly that day until she answered and the only explanation I could get out of her was that someone she knew had picked her up and they kissed. She said she didn't know how she felt. She was once again upset because I pointed out something she did wrong. Hung up on me. There were a few texts after that talking about this other guy. I still have them saved.
The next evening, I called her one more time to try to further understand what changed. It was like talking to a whole different person. She sounded annoyed when she picked up and refused to talk saying I made her feel guilty. All I could do was say that if she ever wanted to talk to call me. Then it was Goodbye.
Tamra told me a lot of things and with that last act, I have to second guess all of them. She told me she had Crohn's disease, which I believe, but now I wonder if she milked it for more than what it really was. She would always be afflicted with something outrageous when it came time to see her on the weekend. I wasn't the reason we went 2 whole months without being together. Still, I trusted her and I always tried to be understanding. I just didn't want her to worry. I could wait, I was willing to. I just try really hard to wrap my brain around how someone can act like you mean the world to them and then drop you and forget you exist. Drugs? Guys on the side? Just outright pretending? I'll never know. She never allowed me that closure. There is evidence that contradicts the story she told me. And then, maybe it was me. Maybe she thought I was lying, pretending, not serious about us. I did what I could, what I would allow within reason.
I miss her voice more than anything else. I'm slowly deleting the voice mails she left me so the healing process can continue.
She said that she liked to dance, but I never got to dance with her.
She said "I want to be yours." She said she would wait as long as it takes to be mine.
She loved when I gave her compliments. Her favorites were beautiful and gorgeous.
She said I made her smile so much her face hurt and everyone around her would ask who was giving her that goofy grin? She called me her baby. She called me a cheeseball. She would tell me that she missed me and loved me before ending every phone call. I still remember the kissing sounds she would do at me.
It was doomed from the start. I have to accept that. That fact wouldn't stop me from loving her too and willing to give up whatever I had to be with her. I was scared to give everything because what if she discarded me? After all that time, that money, those feelings that I gave up all for her to just throw me away and never want to speak to me again? Did I do something to deserve that?
To find out I was dumped the way I was? I'm free, yes, but I don't feel relieved. I feel a longing to be loved, cherished, cared for, accepted, tolerated, respected. I also feel very hesitant to ever open up to anyone else ever again. My honesty can turn people away I know this. People like a little mystery. They don't want to know everything, they shouldn't know everything. So why do I continue to spill my guts whenever given the chance? It is who I am. It is who I will continue to be. As I reflect on my relationship with the beautiful girl from Chattanooga all I can do is play back what she repeated to me that night on Valentine's Day. "Please don't leave me."