(no subject)
Friday 05/09/03 (uk) :
Still trudging on, although things are getting harder as each day goes by. I usually love the autumn so much, it normally brings that hearrtwarmth.. the colours, the mist, the warming by the fire... *sigh*. Not this time... About the only sound advice I can ever receive is that everything will go back to normal. All the people who advise me to start loving myself, thinking about myself, treasure being alone... All that crap just hurts me, makes me feel worse about things. The only thing that's keeping me going at the moment is the thought that everything will get back to normal before long. Even if it *is* an unrealistic dream, it's at least something to keep living for, rather than just completely giving up.
I suppose one of the most painful parts is that I'm such a manic caregiver, but I've got no-one who needs caring for now, so it almost feels as if all my purpose has faded since I became solitary. I suppose that's probably the reason I've gotten so broody with babies and children recently, it's a purpose, it's something that needs me. That's what I really need in life, something to give me more purpose, because I can't just enjoy things like everyone else seems to, I need a bigger picture.
A bigger picture indeed, and the code of honour thing just doesn't cut it.
Anyone who reads this site will just have to bear with me here, it is *my* site, so I suppose I'll be excused for my childish angsty ranting on about how things really are won't I? Things are shit, things are just as shit as they were back when I was a depressive little kid in school, with no-one to give me purpose. *sigh*, I really long for a day to come when my life comes back to me. Until then, I guess it's back to strangelove and anger. :)
In my life
I've lost what I held dearly
Thrown it all away
And there's nothing takes her place
I pace the bars
Trying to fill the hole inside me
She tore away
And there's nothing in her place
Still trudging on, although things are getting harder as each day goes by. I usually love the autumn so much, it normally brings that hearrtwarmth.. the colours, the mist, the warming by the fire... *sigh*. Not this time... About the only sound advice I can ever receive is that everything will go back to normal. All the people who advise me to start loving myself, thinking about myself, treasure being alone... All that crap just hurts me, makes me feel worse about things. The only thing that's keeping me going at the moment is the thought that everything will get back to normal before long. Even if it *is* an unrealistic dream, it's at least something to keep living for, rather than just completely giving up.
I suppose one of the most painful parts is that I'm such a manic caregiver, but I've got no-one who needs caring for now, so it almost feels as if all my purpose has faded since I became solitary. I suppose that's probably the reason I've gotten so broody with babies and children recently, it's a purpose, it's something that needs me. That's what I really need in life, something to give me more purpose, because I can't just enjoy things like everyone else seems to, I need a bigger picture.
A bigger picture indeed, and the code of honour thing just doesn't cut it.
Anyone who reads this site will just have to bear with me here, it is *my* site, so I suppose I'll be excused for my childish angsty ranting on about how things really are won't I? Things are shit, things are just as shit as they were back when I was a depressive little kid in school, with no-one to give me purpose. *sigh*, I really long for a day to come when my life comes back to me. Until then, I guess it's back to strangelove and anger. :)
In my life
I've lost what I held dearly
Thrown it all away
And there's nothing takes her place
I pace the bars
Trying to fill the hole inside me
She tore away
And there's nothing in her place