Life Just Keeps Moving....Why Won't It Wait Up?
Well...I am taking summer classes and trying my very very best. I am trying to make up for the exploding crap that happened last semester. As far as my composition class goes....Thank God for giving me an english professor I can comprehend and make sense of. This one actually knows what she is doing and knows how to give out assignments. I can't mess this one up. History of Graphic Design is interesting. Lots of history and its exciting. You can tell I am a big history buff. The Professor is awesome! He is a former hippie and is just a great person in general. He does not beat around the bush.
Rachel is in Europe and is coming back on friday. I miss her alot! I love her a lot too. I know I was going to miss her, but I did not realize how much I was going to miss her. I said to myself before she left that I was going to not miss her that much and enjoy my time without her. I wanted to take advantage of this time without her and act like I did when I was single...sort of. Not cheat on her....but do what I wanted and when I wanted.
Anyway, I am happy to say that my friends are back home from school. Many of them graduated and I happy for them. You know, somehow I feel like such a loser. They graduated and I am still in school. I did too much fooling around. Why did it take me so long to mature? I still would not say I am mature, but I am more mature than I was a few years ago. I am almost 23 years old, and I feel like a little kid. I always felt that most of my frieds were always more mature than me. I logically knew I was older than them, but I always felt like I was younger than them. I remember hanging out with my friends when I was in high school and they were always looking over me, kind of like an annoying parent or older sibling. It was like they did not trust my judgement. I would say something and get pissed off, it was like I was trying to grow up, but I could not. I don't know if it was because I felt they were holding me back or what.
I have this one friend, I'll call him "X" for the hell of it. Anyway, I met X at my church youth group and he was and still is a really cool dude. He always seemed more mature for his age and in some inexplicable way he was above the rest of us in a modest way. Everyone looked up to him and he always impressed the grown-ups. He was our youth minister's favorite person. She always held him in the highest esteem, while I always felt like I was at the bottom of the food chain in her eyes. All the girls wanted him and everyone else wanted to be him. I was an exception with one or 2 people. I looked up to him, but I could not be him or be like him even if I wanted to be. Sometimes we would talk, just him and me, I considered him my best friend. He could not piss anyone off, even if he tried. Well, even though I loved the kid, he managed to piss me off in one regard. Once or twice he complained about the pressure that everyone else put on him. I could understand that. He would then continue to complain how he hated it that everyone looked up to him and that even though everyone else considered him to be "The Man", he was not. He did not want anyone to look up to him and how he was just an ordinary person. That really pissed me off! Here I am, a nobody, just some guy who no girl wants, who no one expects to do anything, who might as well be a waste of space and as much as I try to not be him and just learn things from him, I wish I was in his position. Back in the day, I did not feel very appreciated and I would have given anything to be in his position, to be appreciated. Some one like X to have the power he did over people, and he did not even realize his own power. He complained about not wanting to have it instead of being wise accepting his gift. He should have embraced what he had and used it to help people, not that he did not, but he could have gone farther with it.
As much as I tried to be my own person, as much as I learned from him, in some sub-conscience way, I envied him. Here was a person with such an amazing power over people, who was truly appreciated and looked up to by so many people, I would have traded places with him in a heart beat. I don't know, but not because of him, just because of myself, I never held myself in such great esteem. I never felt I was that great of a person in any regard, or very much appreciated by anyone. I just try to be me. I do and learn what I can. I try to do good for others, but I don't feel very appreciated. It could just be me, I don't know.
"I lie awake on a long, dark night
I can't seem to tame my mind
Slings and arrows are killing me inside
Maybe I can't accept the life that's mine
Simple living is my desperate cry
Been trading "love" with indifference yeah it suits me just fine
I try to hold on but I'm calloused to the bone
Maybe that's why I feel alone
Me..I'm rusted and weathered
Barely holding together
I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal"
Rachel is in Europe and is coming back on friday. I miss her alot! I love her a lot too. I know I was going to miss her, but I did not realize how much I was going to miss her. I said to myself before she left that I was going to not miss her that much and enjoy my time without her. I wanted to take advantage of this time without her and act like I did when I was single...sort of. Not cheat on her....but do what I wanted and when I wanted.
Anyway, I am happy to say that my friends are back home from school. Many of them graduated and I happy for them. You know, somehow I feel like such a loser. They graduated and I am still in school. I did too much fooling around. Why did it take me so long to mature? I still would not say I am mature, but I am more mature than I was a few years ago. I am almost 23 years old, and I feel like a little kid. I always felt that most of my frieds were always more mature than me. I logically knew I was older than them, but I always felt like I was younger than them. I remember hanging out with my friends when I was in high school and they were always looking over me, kind of like an annoying parent or older sibling. It was like they did not trust my judgement. I would say something and get pissed off, it was like I was trying to grow up, but I could not. I don't know if it was because I felt they were holding me back or what.
I have this one friend, I'll call him "X" for the hell of it. Anyway, I met X at my church youth group and he was and still is a really cool dude. He always seemed more mature for his age and in some inexplicable way he was above the rest of us in a modest way. Everyone looked up to him and he always impressed the grown-ups. He was our youth minister's favorite person. She always held him in the highest esteem, while I always felt like I was at the bottom of the food chain in her eyes. All the girls wanted him and everyone else wanted to be him. I was an exception with one or 2 people. I looked up to him, but I could not be him or be like him even if I wanted to be. Sometimes we would talk, just him and me, I considered him my best friend. He could not piss anyone off, even if he tried. Well, even though I loved the kid, he managed to piss me off in one regard. Once or twice he complained about the pressure that everyone else put on him. I could understand that. He would then continue to complain how he hated it that everyone looked up to him and that even though everyone else considered him to be "The Man", he was not. He did not want anyone to look up to him and how he was just an ordinary person. That really pissed me off! Here I am, a nobody, just some guy who no girl wants, who no one expects to do anything, who might as well be a waste of space and as much as I try to not be him and just learn things from him, I wish I was in his position. Back in the day, I did not feel very appreciated and I would have given anything to be in his position, to be appreciated. Some one like X to have the power he did over people, and he did not even realize his own power. He complained about not wanting to have it instead of being wise accepting his gift. He should have embraced what he had and used it to help people, not that he did not, but he could have gone farther with it.
As much as I tried to be my own person, as much as I learned from him, in some sub-conscience way, I envied him. Here was a person with such an amazing power over people, who was truly appreciated and looked up to by so many people, I would have traded places with him in a heart beat. I don't know, but not because of him, just because of myself, I never held myself in such great esteem. I never felt I was that great of a person in any regard, or very much appreciated by anyone. I just try to be me. I do and learn what I can. I try to do good for others, but I don't feel very appreciated. It could just be me, I don't know.
"I lie awake on a long, dark night
I can't seem to tame my mind
Slings and arrows are killing me inside
Maybe I can't accept the life that's mine
Simple living is my desperate cry
Been trading "love" with indifference yeah it suits me just fine
I try to hold on but I'm calloused to the bone
Maybe that's why I feel alone
Me..I'm rusted and weathered
Barely holding together
I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal"