feel like crying

[darkfire1018]

I was asked to pitch in for a gift today.... and it triggered this whole train of thought that has been bothering me. Let's start out at the beginning... the way beginning.. as a kid growing up... i wasn't one of those kids that hung out with his friends.. i never went to other ppl's houses to play... all i had was my parents, tv and video games. I guess i never really made any good friends growing up... except one which im still friends with *thumbs up* growing up i never got gifts from friends just my parents and my aunts, uncles, cousins. As time went by i stopped getting gifts from my aunts, uncles, and cousins cuz well our family found it better not to exchange gifts cuz it saved money... only recently have we started to kinda get back into it. The only person i exchanged gifts with when i was young was my friend that I'm still friends with. But as time passed we also stopped exchanging gifts... i can understand... us growing up and well neither of us had the money so i understand. Ever since then i haven't gotten a gift from a friend for my bday (from the best of my memory so remind if u have)The closest. Let's flash forward to the present... i guess all this thought has made me reflect on myself. Maybe i haven't been a good friend... I kno i've missed some bdays too... I'm really trying to change my mentality but it's hard when you've grown up giving only cuz you've received... with my family not exchanging gifts... and ppl in my life who remind me that my friends haven't gotten me anything. So i owe you a gift Mike and Will... so remind me. I was also thinking maybe Im a little greedy too.. should i even be writing this entry.. is this a plea for gifts... Yes and no. I'm not asking for a pity gift. I understand that some ppl just don't have the money that's why I'm not asking for something worth $20, or $10, not even something for $1. I mean a card would work... I've always believed in "it's the thought that counts" I guess i just wanna feel like i belong somewhere cuz growing up i always felt a little insecure.... i never felt like i belonged... i deal...sometimes it get's to me like now... but i deal

P.S. this doesn't really apply to Lisa cuz well she is my GF.
I'll do what i do best, so if u feel like i owe u a gift ill treat you to lunch or buy ya jamba cuz well i can always go for a good jamba.
And thanx Esther and Steven for the cards you made me in the past... they meant a lot