Halloween is coming!!!!
Haven't been up to much lately, Work and my courses seem to absorbed most of my time this year like some sort of time absorbing sponge type thingy.
I did treat myself to an exercise bike for my Birthday a week back. I wore myself putting the thing together, not too sure if that was the "exercise" part that the manufacturer had in mind. Anyway, I've managed to clock up a good few miles on the thing during the little spare time that I have. Don't think that I'm up to challenging Lance Armstrong yet but, seeing as I have a sedentary job, at least my legs won't become vestigial appendages.
Well Halloween approaches and I wish that I had a fantastic tale to regale you with; but, alas, I don't. So instead here's a little something that happened on Halloween in 1999. Not exactly ghouls and hob goblins, but Mr. Warlock and his beloved chinchilla Charlie in an episode involving science, alchemy and the supernatural that begins with....
The unfathomable scrying mirror of Dr. John Dee.
Darkness and silence are interrupted in the stillness that inhabits the British museum in the early hours of the morning. The air appears to split and a brilliant opulence of shimmering white light pours forth. From this portal steps two unusual visitors.
Charlie the chinchilla: I can't believe it. You're surpassed yourself, this could actually be the British Museum.
Mr Warlock: (Slightly indignant at his familiar's remark) Of course it's the British Museum! Have you no faith in my teleporting abilities?
Charlie the chinchilla: Not since the unscheduled stopover at Madame Tussauds. I still say we should have taken advantage and had a gander 'round the place.
Mr Warlock: Would that we could, Mr Whiskers, but unfortunately this takes precedence over everything.
The chinchilla bounds effortless through the darkness towards a set of exhibit displays beneath a legend bearing the name "Dr. John Dee 1527 - 1608".
Charlie the chinchilla: Guess this is what we're looking for. What do you want with the mirror anyway? Your hair always looks a mess, it's a bit late to fix it now. (the Chinchilla then sits on his haunches and beginnings to preen himself)
Mr Warlock: (in a know-it-all voice) It's not that kind of mirror. It's a scrying mirror. Aztec in design and made of highly polished obsidian, which is volcanic glass.
Charlie the chinchilla: You can't fool me, you've just read that. (points to a card next to the case containing the mirror)
Mr Warlock: Just shut up and keep watch. These objects aren't so well protected as some of the more valuable ones but I don't want a security guard to come by and spot us. (the warlock taps the lock of the display case with his index finger) Opensesame (the lock springs open and the warlock retrieves the mirror from its case)
Charlie the chinchilla: (rolls eyes) Warlock's are such show-offs
Mr Warlock: (handles the mirror uncertainly) Wish these things came with instructions
Charlie the chinchilla: Can't you find the on switch? Perhaps the batteries are dead.
Mr Warlock: (starring intently into the mirror) Haha - don't give up the day job. Heyup, its working! (Images flash quickly across the mirrors polished surface)
A bale of cotton, a dragon - I think, a serpent or snake, some sort of apparition and a most bizarre contraption. Bit cryptic, not really what I was expecting.
Charlie the chinchilla: I'll say. It doesn't make any sense. Let's go home now
Mr Warlock: Sorry Charlie. But the council have asked me to look into the rumours of someone on the trail of the Elixir Vitae and I can't disappoint, especially as I've only just been accepted back into the Council of Warlocks.
Charlie the chinchilla: (sighs to self) How did I come to belong to someone in an organisation with the acronym C.O.W? Life's so unfair.
Mr Warlock: C'mon Charlie, we're off to Surrey. I think I've figured out the first image.
The warlock replaces the mirror back into its case and locks it up again. The warlock snaps his fingers and the portal re-opens
Charlie the chinchilla: Oh.... you show-off.
A rather dilapidated manor house deep in the heart of the Surrey countryside, a grade five listed building and own by the National Trust receives its latest two visitors.
Charlie the chinchilla: I'll give you odds of three to one that this is the wrong place.
Mr Warlock: (Follows his chinchilla through the portal which closes behind him) No, I think that this is the right place.
Charlie the chinchilla: Well, I still think we should have gone back to Madame Tussauds. So where are we?
Mr Warlock: This is the old family home of Robert Cotton. Cotton brought land around Mortlake after the death of Dr Dee.
Charlie the chinchilla: Still none the wiser.
Mr Warlock: Mortlake was Dee's home near the River Thames. In 1583 whilst Dee was travelling Europe his home was ransacked by a mob who thought that he was involved with sorcery. Anyway, after that it's reckoned that he took to hiding his most valuable findings. Cotton uncovered some works on the land he acquired. But no one has been able to prove whether the Elixir was amongst them.
Charlie the chinchilla: What makes you think that Dee ever had it in the first place? And what is the Elixir Vitae anyway?
Mr Warlock: Well, Dee reckons that he found it himself hidden at Glastonbury Abbey. Plus he was also hooked up with Edward Kelley for a number of years. Kelley also claimed to know the secret of the Elixir Vitae or Philosopher's Stone. As for what it does - well, it's probably more famous for supposedly turning base metal into gold, but the most astounding claim is that it has the ability to transform death into life.
Charlie the chinchilla: Transform death in to life!?! Then there's hope for Nottingham Forest's back four after all.
Mr Warlock: Well let's not get carried away. I doubt if it's that good.
Charlie the chinchilla: But if it's here wouldn't someone have found it by now?
Mr Warlock: Well, I'm assuming by the fact that there are no incredibly rich ancient guy's walking around that it hasn't been found.
Charlie the chinchilla: (Thinks for a moment) What about Bill Gates?
Mr Warlock: He doesn't need alchemy, he has windows.
The two approach the library and enter
Mr Warlock: May as well start in here.
The library is, as one might expect, full of shelves containing tome after tome. Many of the volumes are bound in leather of varying colours with ornate decorations on their covers and spines. A few portraits hang on the walls and the large windows are shut out but heavy, thick velvet curtains
Mr Warlock: Quite a collection. As this is owned by the National Trust the books would have been catalogued I think that we can assume that there is nothing untoward hidden in any of these. Besides it's all too obvious a place to hide something.
Charlie the chinchilla: Don't you always say that the best place to hide something is in plain sight.
Mr Warlock: True, but you do have to be subtle about it. You just can't leave it lying around covered with a newspaper.
Charlie the chinchilla: (Preening his long whiskers) Why don't you ask that lady over there if she knows where it is?
Mr Warlock: What lady? I can't see anyone. Have you been sniffing the postage stamps again?
Charlie the chinchilla: (Stops preening whiskers and jabs a paw in the direction of one of the windows) She's over there. She's very faint but I can just make her out
Mr Warlock: I still can't see her. Don't forget I don't have your night sight.
Charlie the chinchilla: Do you think that the fact that she's a ghost might have something to do with the fact that you can't see her?
Mr Warlock: As usefully as ever aren't you Charlie. Why didn't you mention that in the first place.
Charlie the chinchilla: Well it didn't seem that important at the time.
Faint footsteps are heard moving in the direction of the two. They then stop when they are about midway across the room and the owner slowly begins to appear.
The ghost of Lady Elizabeth: What business do you seek here at this unholy hour?
The warlock stares momentary at the figure before him. A distinguished lady, late twenties or early thirties with light blue eyes and lushes hair long black hair cascading about her slender shoulders. From her dress the warlock surmises that the young lady addressing him is from the Victorian era.
Mr Warlock: Forgive the intrusion. We're engaged on a quest for something that may prove to be invaluable, the Elixir Vitae.
The ghost of Lady Elizabeth: And you find Halloween and appropriate time to go searching. You're not the first and I'll dare say you'll not be the last to come looking for it. The greed that drives men looking for easy money and the promise of eternal life. It cost me my life many decades ago and I see that the desire still holds sway still.
Mr Warlock: So...you know something of its whereabouts?
The ghost of Lady Elizabeth: If I did do you think that I'd be dead? Poisoned by someone seeking that which you seek and interned in the crypt beneath this house. Doomed to roam forever...praying for a release.
Mr Warlock: I'm sorry to hear that. But if you were to assist in my search I could perhaps be in a position to help.
The ghost of Lady Elizabeth: And what makes you think that I could trust you. What are you anyway....a wizard?
Mr Warlock: (Almost choking at the thought of being mistaken for a wizard) No I'm not! I'm Mr. Warlock and I'm a warlock.
The ghost of Lady Elizabeth: Strange that your name and what you are should be the same.
Mr Warlock: Well, Mr Warlock isn't my real name. It's sort of a title. But I think we should introduce ourselves properly. This is my familiar; Charlie.
Charlie the chinchilla: (Stands on his back legs and bows in a dignified manner) A pleasure to meet you my Lady.
The ghost of Lady Elizabeth: (Curtseys in reply) I am Lady Elizabeth..or rather I was. See that painting over there above the other doorway. That's who I'm named after; The Fair Lady Elizabeth of Markham. Quite a brave woman you know. Legend has it that she was to be scarified to a dragon to save her village. It goes on to state that she was rescued in the nick of time by two rather strange knights. As you can see the painting depicts the scene. (The ghost turns her attention back to the warlock) And what of your other companion, Mr Warlock? Are we not to be introduced?
Charlie the chinchilla: (Looks blankly at the warlock) Sorry, your Ladyship. But there's just us two. What other person do you speak of pray tell?
Mr Warlock: Oh, speak properly Charlie.
The ghost of Lady Elizabeth: Well it's nice to see that at least one of you has some breeding! There's another gentleman here with some strange machinery. I believe that he's set up in the Banqueting suite at the end of the great hall. If he's not with you then could he too be seeking that which you seek?
Mr Warlock: More than likely. C'mon Charlie we'd best check this out
The ghost of Lady Elizabeth: You're not going to leave me here all alone and defenceless are you?
Mr Warlock: But you're a ghost? What can happen to you that hasn't already happened?
The ghost of Lady Elizabeth: (flashes her big blue eyes at that warlock) You'd be surprised Mr Warlock....you'd be surprised. But I suppose that you must...
Charlie the chinchilla: ( Standing on his back legs and wagging his tail) I'll stay and protect you!!!
The ghost of Lady Elizabeth: Why thank you Charlie. I feel safer already with you here
Mr Warlock: Strangely enough, so do I. Just keep you ears open in case I need you.
With that the warlock leaves the library and makes his way down the great hall towards the banqueting suite.
Upon entering the warlock notices that instead of the large oak dining table the centre of the room is dominated by some strange machine. It appears to be comprised mostly of electromagnetic coils and transformers.
Just as the warlock steps in to the room for a closer examination he is hit on the head from behind and everything goes dark.
When he comes to he is propped up against the wall and his hands and feet are bound with electrical cable...oh, and there is a gun pointing at his head.
Kevin Kelly: Oh, good you're awake. I was beginning to think that you'd snuffed it.
Mr Warlock: (More than slightly groggy) Huh? What's going on? You've no right being here. You best get going before the rest of security get here.
Kevin Kelly: (Smiling to himself) Don't try and kid a kidder. I've already dealt with security, such as it was. Now, tell me what you know about the whereabouts of the Elixir or I'll plaster the wall with your brains.
Mr Warlock: No one's that good a shoot.
Kevin Kelly: You don't seem to see the serious side of this. If you don't talk then I'll turn your head into mush with this. Do you know what this is..eh? It's a Python .357 Magnum, it'll blow most of your head off, so I'd talk if I were you. Just what did the Lady Elizabeth tell you?
Mr Warlock: (stares at the barrel of the gun for a few seconds then speaks slowly) She says that she doesn't know where the Elixir is. Claims that she was poisoned by someone looking for it years ago. I think that if she did know its whereabouts it unlikely that she wouldn't have made use of it already, seeing how she's dead.
Kevin Kelly: Don't be fooled by her, she's as cleaver as she is beautiful. Perhaps she didn't know where it was back then but I doubt if being dead would have stopped her looking for it. And I'm pretty sure that after all these years she'll have found it. That's why I have this (Points to the equipment behind him) Do you have any idea what it is?
Mr Warlock: I don't see why you'd want to bring that with you. Shouldn't you have a bag with "Swag" written on it? Looks like some sort of electromagnetic field generator to me.
Kevin Kelly: A pretty good guess, but it's actually and EMP generator. It creates a short burst of electromagnetic energy that'll takeout most electrical equipment for a mile at least and that's not all...
Mr Warlock: It kills ghosts..You gonna use electromagnetic pulse to overload the EMF that binds her spirit to this world. But what'll happen to her?
Kevin Kelly: Do you think that I even care what happens to her? Once she's told me where the Elixir is and I have what my ancestor claimed to have had. But most of all; Ill be rich.
Mr Warlock: By what've said I take it that your related to Edward Kelley. But how do you know if the Elixir even works? It's a lot of trouble you gone to for nothing more that hearsay and myth.
Kevin Kelly: Myth? Why do you think that after his death Dee's record of death in the parish records and his gravestone went missing?
Mr Warlock: You're not trying to tell me that Dee's still alive are you?
Kevin Kelly: Who knows. Dee was more of a scientist than alchemist, which is why he "died" penniless rather than use the Elixir. Still, the scientist in him would have been tempted to try it to see if it could transform death into life. Now, seeing as you're of no use to me, I'll see if I can transform your life the other way...
Kelly slowly raises the gun to the warlocks head. Mr Warlock stares at Kelly's chest searching for his heartbeat and sensing it, squeezes it 'til it stops. Clutching his chest in the throws of a heart attack Kelly falls to his knees. He tries to raise his gun arm again but finding that his breathing is becoming short a laboured as though a great weight is pressing upon his chest and instead passes out at the feet of the warlock.
Mr Warlock: And to think that I let you hit me on the noggin. You know even less about the Elixir's hiding place than I do. You're just a thug. (Snapping his fingers the electrical cable binding his hands and feet quickly unties itself and rather unsteadily he gets to his feet.) Still thanks to you I think I've finally figured out where the stuff is actually hidden.
The warlock walks up to the EMP generator and stares appreciatively at it and thinks to himself that it was a fairly good idea to use it on the ghost. But not what he would have done. The warlock steps back and sends out tendrils of energy from his finger tips at the machine and within seconds it begins to crackle and spark as coils and transformers are blown a sunder. He then steps over to the still prostrate and unconscious figure that was until recently his captor.
Mr Warlock: Best that you weren't here anymore eh?
With a snap of his fingers a portal appears a the listless figure is sucked into it
Mr Warlock: Bon voyage! Give my regards to the Eiffle tower when you get to France
Picking up the gun and emptying the bullets out, the warlock then places it on top of the now defunct EMP generator as once more tendril of energy emit from his finger tips rendering the firearm a mass of molten metal. Turning quickly on his heel he heads out of the banqueting suite across the great hall and back into the library
Charlie the chinchilla: (Almost happy to see the warlock again) You're back! What took you so long?
Mr Warlock: Run into an old friend you might say.
Charlie the chinchilla: Anyone that I'd know?
Mr Warlock: No, but I think that Lady Elizabeth knew more that she was letting on.
The ghost of Lady Elizabeth: I couldn't risk telling you all. I didn't know if I could trust you - I still don't know if I can.
Mr Warlock: The machine is destroyed. No ones going to threaten you now. Besides, I've figured out where the Elixir is.
The ghost of Lady Elizabeth: Oh..you have? Please tell.
Mr Warlock: Like you don't know where it is. You were even toying with us earlier when you pointed it out to us
The warlock walks to the far doorway and fires a shot of energy at the chain holding the painting of The Fair Lady Elizabeth of Markham. The painting falls into the warlock's waiting hands.
Mr Warlock: Like I always say, hide something in plain sight and no one will think twice about it.
Charlie the chinchilla: I think that I must be on the wrong page to everyone else. I still don't see
Mr Warlock: The dragon's breath, or fire to be more accurate, in this painting isn't normal paint. It's the Elixir in powered form mixed with water and painted onto the canvas.
The ghost of Lady Elizabeth: I'm impressed. I must confess that it took me years to figure that out for myself. Sadly too many years after my death. I guess now you'll be claiming your prize
Mr Warlock: My mission was to investigate someone actively seeking the Elixir. There were no instructions on what to do if or even when I found the Elixir. I guess that's up to my own discretion.
The ghost of Lady Elizabeth: So, what do you plan to do with it?
Mr Warlock: Well, after all these years you must be wondering if the Elixir actually works - so lets try it out.
The ghost of Lady Elizabeth: You're going to turn something into gold?
Mr Warlock: Better than that. I'm going to turn you into a lady.
Charlie the chinchilla: I thought that she was one already?
Mr Warlock: You know very well what I mean Charlie.
The ghost of Lady Elizabeth: Oh to be alive again. And it's autumn too. How I have always love its rustic colours and hues. Oh to walk along country paths and feel the leaves crunch beneath my feet - what joy.
Charlie the chinchilla: Just wait 'till you're stuck in traffic on the M25. You'll want to stay as you are.
The warlock takes a key from his pocket and begins to scrape the reddish "paint" from the picture in to a glass the he had brought from the banqueting suite.
Mr Warlock: Well need some mercury, is there a thermometer around?
The ghost of Lady Elizabeth: There should be one in the wine cellar adjacent to the crypt .
Three hours later at roughly four in the morning. Three figures are found in the crypt beneath the manor house
Lady Elizabeth: I can't believe that this has happened. I have another chance at life. How can I thank you enough?
Mr Warlock: Well, If you come across any more of the Elixir I'd appreciate a call.
Lady Elizabeth: And you Charlie I shall miss most of all (bends down and puts up the chinchilla and kisses him on the nose)
Mr Warlock: You best be on your way. Charlie and I have to clean up here before anyone comes to the house. I'll replace the jewellery you've taken with magickal fakes until we can come up with something better. Sorry I don't have much money on me, but when you sell the tom foolery you should be okay for awhile.
Lady Elizabeth: Tom Foolery? Oh jewellery, I didn't know that you could speak cockney?
Mr Warlock: (Sarcastically) Why I learnt from the master himself. Dick Van Dyke.
Lady Elizabeth: (stepping into a portal and vanishing) Farewell Mr Warlock. Farewell Charlie. Maybe we'll bump into each other again
Charlie the chinchilla: Ciao. (Turns to the warlock when the portal has closed) So what'll happen to her?
Mr Warlock: I'm pretty sure that she knows far more about the Elixir than she's letting on. The council will monitor her whereabouts and if it looks like she's producing the Elixir they'll move in and take it and learn how to produce it themselves.
Charlie the chinchilla: Why didn't you just keep the Elixir that you found in the painting?
Mr Warlock: It was too small a sample to be of any use in analysis. Besides, the world's a far more interesting place with Lady Elizabeth in it don't you think? C'mon, we'd better get things cleared up before anyone gets here and then if we're quick maybe we can take a look around Madame Tussauds.
Charlie the chinchilla: Yippee!! Madame Tussauds. Wonder where we'll actually end up though.
Mr Warlock: Oh ye of little faith.
Fin.
Addendum: The whereabouts of Kevin Kelly remain a mystery to this day.
The Council of Warlocks lost trace of Lady Elizabeth in 2002 during a visit to Cairo, researching the alchemist Geber.
In December 2004 a shew-stone belonging to Dr John Dee and a mid 17th Century explanation of its use were stolen from the Science Museum in London. These were recovered shortly afterwards, although why they were taken and by whom remains unknown.